Why Look Back?
by Elouise
Isn’t it time to get on with it? Let the past be the past? I understand these questions. I know the feeling. If I open up that can of worms it will devour me! And cause anguish to other people.
Henri Nouwen opens the first section of his small book, The Living Reminder, with this story about Elie Wiesel.
In 1944, all the Jews of the Hungarian town of Sighet were rounded up and deported to concentration camps. Elie Wiesel, the now famous novelist, was one of them. He survived the holocaust and twenty years later returned to see his home town again. What pained him most was that the people of Sighet had erased the Jews from their memory. He writes:
I was not angry with the people of Sighet . . . for having driven out their neighbors of yesterday, nor for having denied them. If I was angry at all it was for having forgotten them. So quickly, so completely . . . .Jews have been driven not only out of town but out of time as well.
(P. 17, Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Living Reminder: Service and Prayer in Memory of Jesus Christ, HarperCollins 1977)
Nouwen then asks why forgetting our sins “may be an even greater sin than to commit them.” (p. 17)
His answer: “Because what is forgotten cannot be healed and that which cannot be healed easily becomes the cause of greater evil . . . By cutting off our past we paralyze our future: forgetting the evil behind us we evoke the evil in front of us.” (pp. 17 and 18)
The bottom line is simple: “. . . . healing our wounded past can open up a new future.” (p. 18)
But how can this be? Nouwen says
Our first and most spontaneous response to our undesirable memories is to forget them. When something painful has happened we quickly say to ourselves and to each other: ‘Let’s forget it, let’s act as if it did not happen, let’s not talk about it, let’s think about happier things.’ We want to forget the pains of the past–our personal, communal, and national traumas–and live as if they did not really happen. But by not remembering them we allow the forgotten memories to become independent forces that can exert a crippling effect on our functioning as human beings. When this happens, we become strangers to ourselves because we cut down our own history to a pleasant, comfortable size and try to make it conform to our own daydreams.” (pp. 21-22)
* * * * *
I want a better future. I’m on the older side of my life. Most of my life is now held in memories. What’s done is done. But is it forgotten? Memory is important in healing.
In fact, Nouwen suggests that our personal, communal and national traumas are connected. When we deal with any one of these, the others pop up whether we wish them to or not. So where will I start?
Nouwen’s little book helped me decide to go back and begin putting together in writing pieces of my life that until now seemed isolated incidents. I saw them as ‘my fault’ or sheer happenstance, clearly not keys or guides to personal, relational healing. Or to what might be happening on a communal or even national level.
Writing out memories of what happened to me and (especially) in me is part of the process. Unless I do this, I’ve almost forgotten them. Examining them is a beginning. It’s not, however, the end point. The healing happens when I make connections with my present situation–personal, communal and national. These strange voices and habits of my present life didn’t get there by accident. Nor did I necessarily choose to have them. Sometimes it feels as though I’m waking up for the very first time.
Why am I writing about this now? Mainly to strengthen my resolve. But also to say this: I don’t spend much time moaning about my past.
Instead, I relive parts of it as I write it out, name and feel the feelings, question them, seek out trusted counsel, try to make a little ‘sense’ of it, forgive myself if needed, make amends as needed, name my responsibility for the future, and let the rest go. Not that I forget. I don’t. Not that I don’t ever get angry again. I do. But anger doesn’t eat my gut out anymore. Rather, it fuels my resolve and helps me connect with my external worlds.
When I say we need each other, I mean just that. My courage comes from witnessing your courage. My determination to continue comes from your determination to continue. Not in a sick, dependent way, but in an interactive process by which all of us benefit in some unforeseeable way.
I call it Divine Providence. Call it what you will, it keeps me going. Even when I feel emotional kick-back or hear accusatory voices in my mind asking “Why haven’t you moved on yet?”
Am I stuck? Only if I stop looking into my past and dreaming about my future. Which is actually our future.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 13 December 2014
This season of the year evokes many painful memories. Thankfully, no longer memories full of fear – just memories, gratefulness, and hope.
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Lorraine, Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m with you. Painful memories with hope and a grateful heart are better than fearful memories.
Elouise
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I think this blog explains a lot about why you are doing some of these blogs. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you, Waldo! Your comment about the blog is correct.
Elouise
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Elouise, I cherish reading your thoughts, feelings, etc. For so long I thought that as a Christian I was supposed to forget – after all Christ says that he has removed our sins. This blog in particular helps me understand the difference between what I need to do & what Christ has done for me. Thank you so much for putting into words what I can not.
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You’re so welcome! What a kind note. I’m so happy the blog is helping you in this way.
Elouise
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Sometimes Elouise, we need to look back so that we can reflect upon the errors we’ve made and the lessons we’ve learned… it’s helps us to avoid making the same mistakes. Other times we need to look back on those sparks of joy and happiness in order to gain the strength to go on. 🙂
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Well put Kev. Thanks so much for reading and commenting on this particular post. I hope you’re finding ‘those sparks of joy and happiness’ that give you strength to go on! From my perspective, you’re doing just that. I wish you well in your journey. It’s remarkable.
Elouise
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Thanks Elouise! 🙂
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I have just found your blog today. I read this page and it filled me with hope – my blog is for my creative writing and I never comment about my own life on my blog at all… however I feel like I can give you a tiny snippet of my day, as when I read this post I felt safe with you. I am going to my first counselling session today. I wanted you to know. That is all. Please wish me luck as I am a little nervous (I have parents who don’t understand it and are upset I can’t talk to them, but luckily for me my boyfriend gets it and is/has been very supportive).
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Good for you! That takes so much courage. By now you’ve probably finished your first session. I’ve been there, including the nervousness. And at the other end, I’m SO GLAD I chose to get professional help. It’s good your boyfriend is on your side. I can’t say my parents were at all thrilled when I began my journey. But you’re correct: This is for YOU. Because YOU want to have a life of your own–whatever that means. I pray you’ll find not just peace with yourself, but also with the reality that you’re one of God’s beloved daughters. No matter what. Thanks so much for sharing this bit about you. It’s huge, really.
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Thank you for being so understanding. I had a good session, enjoyed it. I found it easy to open up to the person sitting opposite me… She was a trained counsellor, and very kind. I felt at ease at once. And I told her all about my family situation – how my parents are so supportive (in the only way in which they know how to be), but they don’t understand “talking therapy”. They are doers not talkers. And that is fine. But like you say this is about ME and not them. I feel like this first session of counselling is a step in the right direction. Thanks for letting me open up a little with you on this blog, I really do appreciate it
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You’re so welcome. Anytime. And congratulations for taking this step on behalf of yourself. 🙂
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Thank you very much. I believe doing that one thing has meant me taking a huge step in the right direction
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