The Face of Contempt | Part 2 of 2
by Elouise
Self-contempt has been my primary issue for years. Until I learned to have compassion on myself, it was almost impossible not to have contempt for others. Here’s what self-contempt has looked like on me.
Internal voices crank up.
- Self-destructive rants about how stupid I am; how much time I wasted today; how I ‘never’ seem to get it right.
- Sarcastic questions: What makes you think you’re so smart? So together?
- Comparison with others. This triggers self-loathing because I haven’t worked hard enough or smart enough; if I had, I would surely be where so-and-so is today.
Fear of being judged harshly shuts me down.
- I moderate my tone, words and body posture, trying to make sure you’ll like me—as though it doesn’t really matter whether I like or will stand with myself, as myself, not as someone I am not.
- I decide you’re right and I’m wrong. I really do need to sit down and shut up right now before I ‘make a fool’ of myself.
- I avoid risk altogether—which is, of course, followed by shame.
Fear of making a mistake takes over.
- This begins with sky-rocketing levels of self-consciousness and the need to check everything before I do or say it.
- I take a last-minute inventory of who’s present, and whether what I want to say or do will offend them.
- It doesn’t occur to me that not speaking my truth is already a hostile act against myself. Or that it doesn’t matter how awkward my words are, or whether I’ve ‘used the right tone of voice.’
Self-blame talk kicks in.
- Oh I’m so sorry! How could I have done or said that!
- This is especially problematic when I haven’t done or said anything for which I need to apologize.
- These knee-jerk responses seem to assume someone needs to ‘take the blame’ and that I’m ‘it’! I volunteer to be the problem I am not.
Messages from my body go unheeded.
- Time to eat! (This won’t take very long. Just be patient! Stop hounding me. It makes me irritable.)
- Time to go to bed! (I know, but it’s OK. I’m almost done with this sentence….)
- I deserve a personal day off! (It’s nice out today; we’ll just go for a quick walk later.)
- I need to say something right now! (Will you stop pestering me? I can’t be listening to you ALL the time!)
- I don’t like what you’re doing to me! (Well I don’t like what you’re doing to ME, either! Besides, it can’t be helped. That’s just the way it’s going to be right now, so calm down!)
- Why don’t you ever thank me for working hard on your behalf? (Isn’t it enough that I feed you and clothe you and make sure your teeth are brushed? What more do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy? You sound like an ungrateful little girl!)
- I’m tired of being ignored. (How many times do I need to tell you ‘not now?’ Can’t you see I’m busy?)
- Bodies have feelings, too, you know! (I’m not interested in your feelings right now. I have a deadline to meet!)
- If I can’t get your attention any other way, I’m going to get sick. (Stop making threats. I don’t respond to threats. Ever.)
Some responses I make to my body remind me of adult responses I got when I was growing up. I love my body; I’m grateful it’s in good shape. Yet when push comes to shove, it’s easy to treat it with disdain. Not worthy of my full attention.
Years ago I led a seminar on spirituality. One of the articles I read seemed off the wall. It said we should thank various parts our bodies for the hard work they do every day. Kidney. Heart. Liver. Muscles. Feet. You get the drift. I thought it was silly. Was this really spirituality?
The article invited me to try this out. I did, and was surprised by how powerful it was. I still take my body for granted and need a reminder. God created this intricate reality that makes it possible for me to be who I am. Why would I treat it with anything less than compassion, honor and gratitude?
Bottom line: When I’m not so contemptuous of myself, it’s easier to have compassion on others.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 19 January 2015
Telling the Truth 
The “I’m Sorry” syndrome. I apologise for everything even when it’s not my fault. I’m a fixer, a pleaser, a comforter and a feeder for good measure. I also procrastinate (a lot). I have always put others needs before my own and I used to be stupid enough that I’d happily sacrifice and deny myself to make others happy or to “like me”. These aren’t easy things to rectify. I really identified with 90% of the statements in your post. I’m working on it though. I like the idea of thanking my body, I’m going to give it a try!
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Hi, SJ! Thank you so much for this comment. It’s no fun to have this stuff seemingly wired into us, but I get courage and hope from people like you who say ‘I know exactly what you mean!’ The truth is that I feel much better about myself (surprise, surprise!) when I can tell my gut responses have changed. Even if it’s as small as a New Internal Voice asking, ‘Do you really want to do THAT?’ I’m sending lots of good energy your way, and prayers that you, too, will find your way.
Blessings of peace and courage!
Elouise
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Thanks so much for these observations, Elouise. They sound too familiar. But I am going to take your advice and say thank you for all the enjoyment that being in my body brings me. I am so grateful for this timely reminder.
XXX 😀
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Yay! I love your posts about horse-riding — to mention just one thing I know you’re enjoying in your body. Yes! Thank you to all those back and neck and whatever muscles it takes to stay on a horse! Great comment, full of realistic hope and joy.
Elouise
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Oh my dear Eloise, Please make your posts shorter. I can’t deal with a long theological or emotional post. So I am only going to deal with one comment at a time
You said ‘Sarcastic questions: What makes you think you’re so smart? So together?”
Why do I use a pseudonym. Because my wife says that to me all the time.
“Why do you write that blog to people you don’t know who haven’t a real life. What makes you think you are so special that anyone could be interested in what you say.”
Stop grizzling Eloise. You are concerned with what your father said to you years ago. I am dealing with the same thing today and tomorrow.
But don’t be too upset. I’m handling it.
Lots of love, from down under.
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You’re a dear! I’m so sorry anyone would say anything like that to you. You are very smart and together. Your writing tells me so. It also isn’t true that no one would be interested in what you say. I am! Very interested. The voice I’m answering, believe it or not, isn’t my father’s voice. It’s my own voice. Yes, he said things like this to me. But I don’t hear his voice anymore (not even in my head). When I was young I believed what he said, took it in, and took it from there. I didn’t need any voices ‘out there’ anymore. My own voice was on auto-pilot, doing a great job all by itself! Sometimes inside my head; too often out loud to myself. That voice (full of self-contempt) is the one I’ve had to stop in its tracks, because it’s not the truth about me.
One more thing. I don’t live with someone who talks to me this way. It’s a blessing he doesn’t. So I can’t imagine your situation. Still, I pray you’ll find strength and grace to deal with it today and tomorrow. Lots of love right back to you.
Elouise
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My dear Eloise. Have I given you the OK to go into my private blog “Scattered Words” If not you have to go and ask. But if I have go to http://wp.me/p4iiLM-BH
There is a story there that only you can understand.
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Yes, you did give me permission. Thanks for the heads up! I’ll check it out.
Elouise
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Here I go again! I read all the blogs and your answers and shout “Amen” to your compassionate answers. I also applaud those who are brave enough to blog, exposing themselves to ridicule. I pray the responses are positive, or not at all.
My first response to the things your body says to you, is I hear you (and know what you are saying). It is obvious why that was taught as spirituality. In nursing we are taught that we must take care of ourselves first to be able to take care of others. This would hold true for those who try to help others in any of the helping professions.
Secondly, when I was trying to learn how to listen for God’s directions, I realized we have all heard Him as the voice of our conscious, not recognizing it as such. When you start responding to that, you learn to feel His pleasure in that. But I am glad you are hearing and responding to Him.
Thirdly, I hear your professorial voice in the thoroughness of preparation! – that extensive list. (A smiley face goes here, but I don’t know how to do it.)
Excuse me for directing a note to one of your responders. Aunt Leta
Dear suchled, I’m sorry your wife doesn’t understand. Call on the Lord for His approval and He will tell you He made you and loves you. You are to listen to your body for Him. Don’t forget, God doesn’t make junk. LR
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Thanks, Leta, for all your comments and connections to your own professional and personal life. Taking care of myself first is one of the most difficult spiritual disciplines I’ve ever practiced. Too often, it’s easier for me to take care of others without getting around to myself at all. I suppose I should thank my body for not allowing me to do that just now! It also occurs to me that this discipline might be related to taking the speck out of my own eye before trying to deal with that log I see in the other person’s eye. If so, all the more reason to take care of myself first.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you and Waldo!
Elouise
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Thanks for your love. The many loving relationships in our Family is the great blessing of this family. I had never seen the speck from that angle before, but you make it obvious. It shows the value of these blogs – seeing different angles. Keep up the discernments and the putting the rubber to the road. That reminds me of Romans 8:29, God’s purpose! Love Aunt Leta
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You’re welcome, Leta!
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