Going to Seminary | Perfectionism
by Elouise
Perfectionism is cowardly, not brave.
- It avoids looking at mistakes
- Seeks growth without painful truth
- Wants progress without failures
- Breeds insanity, not humanity
- Drains energy without mercy
- Gets stuck working harder
- Is strategic, not forthcoming
- Would rather hide than be wrong
- Fears failure and success
- Kills joy and compassion
I learned to survive by trying to be Perfect, not Brave.
- If I want to be courageous, perfectionism has to go.
- It isn’t about me; it’s about the goal.
- It isn’t about self-worth; it’s about becoming human, not trying to be God.
- It isn’t about winning a battle; it’s about learning from mistakes.
- It isn’t about being a hero; it’s about getting there together, with you.
Perfectionism stalked our marriage, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It threatened joy, spontaneity, a relaxed approach to life, truth-telling and kindness.
Recently, one of my blogging friends told me about a TED Talk. It gives a clear if troubling perspective on life as a female, beginning with childhood. The speaker says girls have been taught to be perfect; boys have been taught to be brave. Perfect girls hold back, fearful lest they make mistakes and be punished. Brave boys aren’t afraid to make mistakes; it’s how they figure out what to try next.
Perhaps that isn’t true of every girl and every boy. It does, however, ring true for me and for many women and men I’ve worked with in academic settings.
I’m not perfect, and I haven’t always been brave. Writing is an opportunity to tell the truth about myself, whether I intend to or not. Sins against me as a child, teenager and beyond still haunt me. So do sins against myself and neighbors near and far. Including D as my nearest neighbor.
At first, perfectionism was my way of getting by, staying out of trouble. Then it became my way of life, even though it isn’t a healthy choice for followers of Jesus. Jesus wants me to follow him just the way I am.
Yet change is part of the agenda. Am I brave enough to accept my mistakes and failures for what they are, and learn from them? How did I get into this predicament in the first place, and what will it take to change?
My failures invite me to get interested in my spiritual formation, to discern what I can do to break old habits rooted in perfectionism. Am I courageous enough to look into the mirror God holds before me daily, and acknowledge the truth about what I see or don’t see?
I find this easier to do on a personal basis than in my marriage to D. I never guessed bravery was a skill I needed for marriage. Ironically, it makes me smile to think about it.
I thought I just needed to marry Mr. Right, and then Get It Right or better yet, Get Him Right. Mr. and Mrs. Perfection! Of course there will be a little learning here and there, but on the whole, I’m Perfectly ready! To be your teacher, that is.
No, I don’t need to learn anything from that little stumble back there. I already know Exactly what I need to do next. So thanks, but no thanks! I don’t need your comments. And other such balderdash….
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 March 2016
Quotation found at pinterest.com
Telling the Truth 
Brave words, Elouise. Thank you for them! I’ll be thinking about this post for a while (I hope it will be in ways beneficial to me and anyone who comes into my “orbit”). I make mistakes all the time, and I dislike intensely the experience of becoming aware of, owning them, doing what I can with/about them and accepting that some of them can’t be redeemed by me, but not one of those mistakes has been fatal to me or to others (for which I am grateful). And so, I continue to offer my always less than perfect self to God and to the world, and am always learning to let me be “enough,” wherever I am on the perfection (or lack thereof) scale…Thank you again, for a very timely reflection. I needed it!
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You’re so welcome, Debbie. I’m grateful it was helpful! You’re so correct–all we have to offer are our “less than perfect” selves. I identify with your intense dislike of becoming aware of your mistakes! All the words in the world about it being OK to make mistakes seems to fail me in the moment–even though I know what I must do, and pray fervently that they won’t cause harm to others. Though sometimes it is, indeed, too late. There’s a certain kind of shame that comes with this–the kind words can’t possibly make better. Which is why God’s gracious acceptance of us is our only hope, and our greatest incentive to own up.
Elouise
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It’s a shame that some people don’t realise or cannot accept, perfectionism is simply what we perceive it to be and nothing more.
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Thought-provoking comment, Kev. I think it’s more difficult for those of us who grew up having to meet someone else’s ideas of what would make us the ‘perfect’ (and thus acceptable) children or young people. My own self-imposed ideas sometimes echo those past expectations; other times they’re my own ideas about what I must be or do in order to be considered worthy. Which, sadly, also has roots in my past. At the same time, our perceptions about what counts for ‘perfect’ does indeed steal and even kill our joy, and keeps us from being unselfconscious–a key element, I think, in happiness. I know my happiest moments are when I’m utterly unselfconscious–not watching myself.
Thanks, Kev.
Elouise
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It’s a funny ol’ world, Elouise. I had no guidance whatsoever as a child, and grew up entirely vulnerable and naive of such matters… At the same time, I pity those who are brought up in an environment that has strong convictions be they right, or wrong… What chance do such children have to escape the hold/condemnations of such beliefs? I don’t know which is worse. In the end, we can only hope that we’re strong to break free find our own happiness. 🙂
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Thanks for this great response, Kev. Having read about your childhood and youth, I have to say I’m stunned you survived! Your description of your own background is right on target. I thought your breaking free was courageous, sometimes scary, and often tender. We are and were so vulnerable as children. It takes hard work to become adults! I’m glad to say I’m where I am today. Phew!!! Even though I have many fond memories, all things considered. 🙂
Elouise
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It’s good to be happy where you’re at and have fond memories… both of these things add strength and lean towards contentment in life.
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