Dancing
by Elouise
Yesterday morning I stepped into D’s office, heard Anne Murray singing, and began weeping. “Could I have this dance for the rest of my life…?” The song kept coming back to me all day—reminding me of what’s really important, and why I’m talking with family members about death. Mine and theirs.
The song linked to an entry in my journal. I made it a few nights ago when I couldn’t get to sleep. I was feeling sorry for myself. Definitely not at peace with the way things are. It was after midnight when I finally stopped writing and went back to bed with Chopin’s Nocturnes playing in the background.
Yesterday I read over the journal entry and wrote the following.
I vacillate between extreme gratitude for time to heal, and crushing sadness about needing to heal in this manner, at this time in my life.
The moment these words are out of my mouth, I want to take them back. As though it weren’t really that bad.
Yet sometimes it feels that bad. Not bad enough to skip eating. Or sleeping. Or enjoying a good laugh with family members and friends. Just ‘that bad.’
I never got to be a wallflower at a prom because I wasn’t allowed to dance or go to dances. Nonetheless, this is what I imagine I might feel like today as a wallflower.
I would smile (or not) and be friendly (or not) while sitting out all the dances because right now I’m relegated to the sidelines. Unable to keep up with the activity on the dance floor. Not feeling appropriately dressed for this occasion, and embarrassed because I don’t feel very chatty and can’t eat anything that isn’t pureed.
My worst fear? Maybe nobody wants to dance with me just as I am.
Last night I asked God if the invitation to come ‘just as I am’ includes the way I am right now. If so, does that mean God wants to dance with me? Or that God is especially fond of wallflowers? Or doesn’t care one whit how slow I am? Or what I’m wearing? Or that my mouth is full of hardware and stained teeth?
I know the answer is Yes! It means all that and more. It means God is already dancing with me just as I am. Now, and for the rest of my life.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 10 June 2016
Photo found at huffingtonpost.com
Telling the Truth 
Yes.
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Thank you, Nancy.
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Lovely post, and Ann Murray has me weeping too.
♥
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Yes! Lovely.
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A beautiful post Elouise. Lucy must be stirring up some good stuff in there, and I found most feared being wallflowers, like fearing being an old maid, it’s the fear that holds us back. I used to dance with a group at dances, it was fun and there was no pressure. Welcome back, missed you, and the Anne Murray song is my Mom’s wedding song. Nice memories 😉
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Thank you, Kim. Your Mom’s wedding song…phenomenal!
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Yes! You are wanted – and missed, but perhaps some of us are reluctant to intrude, or force you to talk when that might be difficult, or painful…we don’t give a hoot about the hardware or your teeth. Our hoots are reserved for YOU, because you are the point – not your choppers (important as they are!). With lots of love and ongoing prayers for whatever you need.
BTW, I made “your” butternut soup (with added, riced cauliflower from Trader Joe’s) for the current Explorers’ class. They loved it! 🙂
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Thanks, Debbie! It’s a little weird. I don’t feel abandoned by my friends (though I miss seeing them here and there). I do, however, appreciate not having to talk much right now–not just because of the hardware, but because of my low energy. I’ll take your hoots anytime! Your addition to the recipe sounds wonderful! 🙂
Elouise
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Beautiful post, Elouise.
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Thank you, Waldo. I hope you and Aunt Leta are doing well.
Elouise
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Echoing what Debbie said.
Much love,
Nancy
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Thank you, Nancy.
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Awww Elouise I just lift you up to the Lord and ask my Father in heaven to surround you with his love and effection. To give you a fresh anointing as only he can. To strengthen you and give you wisdom and insight to the days ahead.
You have come far in life and you have yet further to go. The Holy Spirit will hold your hand and be with you. With all my love for my sister in Christ. I lift you heavenly to the Lord of heavens armies and ask God to touch your life. Just because your special to him and all of us.
Much love Tom
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Oh Tom. Thank you for the prayer! I have to admit to some pretty low moments in the last few weeks. Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made–and then things begin moving into strange territory. I do need wisdom. Dealing with doctors has never been my favorite thing to do. I have several to see in the coming weeks. I so appreciate your friendship and your strong faith! I pray you’re having a blessed Sabbath rest today.
Much love,
Elouise
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Yes Elouise you are welcome. We have one of our granddaughters with is us today. We are watching the ghost of Mr. Chicken. You are a very special friend of mine and I just want to say how much I appreciate you.
Blessings Tom
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What fun! (with your granddaughters) And thank you so much for just being you! It’s a privilege to know you.
Love,
Elouise
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This made me sad at first but then I saw the positivity at the end and it made me smile. You’ll get through this and have one good story to tell when you heal. Well, maybe you won’t find it a funny story and won’t want to talk about it, but one thing for sure, you will heal. Oh! Don’t let those doctors push you around.
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April, Thanks so much for your encouragement. I think you’re correct. I’ll probably have much more fun talking about this strange experience AFTER it’s over and as done with as possible! As for right now, I’m most grateful for your last line–and have thought often of you and your own experiences with doctors. Onward!
Elouise
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What a blog this one is – from Wallflower to warm brothers and sisters in the Lord. What a blessing for these. Why is God’s favorite school “The School of Hard Knocks”? Starting with Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, David, Daniel — the list is endless, both in the Bible and in secular history, those whom God chooses, He gives them hard times to teach patience and wisdom, giving them time to know Him better to send His message to others. Sometimes He takes us through our greatest fears to show us He is greater than our fears. “Fear not” is among the most frequently repeated phrases in the Bible.
Elouise, we love you and cry for your struggles in these difficult times. I thought Waldo was having difficult times, but at least his jaw isn’t broken. Later I’ll tell you about when Donald broke his jaw (age 19 or 20) while we were on vacation and he had a job that kept him home. His friends moved in with him and cared for him. Love, Aunt Leta
PS. Growing old is not for cowards.
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Hi, Leta. “Growing old is not for cowards.” Amen to that! Thanks for your encouragement and reminder about the way God works with the material of our lives. It’s too bad getting there isn’t always fun! I would love to hear about Donald’s broken jaw some day.
Elouise
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Beautiful post! Miss seeing you in the pew, hope to see you soon ❤
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Thank you, Kathy! I miss seeing you, too. 😦 I’m hoping it won’t be too long before I’m back in my spot.
Elouise
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