Exposed
by Elouise
Several days ago, just for fun, I posted a small poem and a photo. I loved finding the photo prompt, making a connection right away, and then putting together a small poem about what I saw. I felt happy about it.
After I published it, I went visiting other bloggers to see what they were writing about. As it happened, several posts I read were top-notch. Way beyond my own small post that was ‘just for fun.’
Bummer! It didn’t take long. The more I read other posts, the smaller I felt. Inadequate and virtually voiceless. I even thought about taking my post down.
That evening I wrote about all this in my journal. Here’s the paragraph that best describes how I felt.
- Right now I feel hot and bothered, a bit chagrined, small, less than an average writer, even embarrassed, as though I wasted my time with this piece of writing. Even though it gave me joy to do it! I think I’m weighing myself against other writers. They seem to have more finesse, deeper ideas, more winsome ways in their writings, more responses to what they post, better ideas and even more fun in life even if I don’t want to live their lives.
I wrote on, trying to sort this out. Near the end, I started coming to terms with myself. Here’s a key paragraph.
- I want to let my heart speak to other hearts. Yet right now I seem to want my heart to make them happy—so they’ll come back for another happiness pill? I don’t know. We do seem to be a culture driven by expectations of happiness—meaning that somewhere out there today I’ll find something to make my day—something to make me happy—something to help me feel alive and worthwhile.
I don’t pretend to be an accurate observer of our current culture. What I say may be wrong of most people ‘out there.’ It was not, however, wrong about me on that particular day. I was driven by my need to feel happy. I was looking for “something to help me feel alive and worthwhile.” Not in someone else’s writing, but in my own. Which I did–for a very short time.
Why did my initial joy vanish so quickly? Perhaps I lost my confidence? I don’t think so….
I am, however, sure of this.
- My experience after posting my poem exposed something in me that I don’t like. I say it often enough: Comparison is the source of all discontent. I say it because I don’t want it to be true of me. Sometimes it isn’t. But on that day, it described me with painful precision.
Thanks for listening!
Elouise ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 20 January 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Exposure
I don’t think you’re alone in feeling this way. It is good however that you were able to learn from the experience. Perhaps in future, you will recognise more quickly where these feelings are coming from and be less prone to succumbing to them.
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Thanks for your kind comment! This wasn’t a totally new experience (feeling exposed, including when I write). What was unnerving was falling into comparisons with other writers. Betraying my own voice, so to speak. Yes, I hope I’ll be less prone to this in the future. I will say, though, that writing it out was very helpful and I’ll do it again if and when I need to. Also, putting it out there in a post was helpful for me personally. Thanks again! 🙂
Elouise
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You’re most welcome.
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You needn’t be so hard on yourself. So, you felt like that? Okay, it’s better than being numb, isn’t it?
It’s not the emotion that is wrong – it may be telling you something important, or surfacing because of some other cause entirely! – but our judgement of it, that makes it hard to deal with. Our emotions are key to guiding us in the right direction. Our judgements are entirely unhelpful.
Judge not, darling. ((xxxx))
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Hi, Fran. Well…I’m definitely not numb! 🙂 On the whole, though, I don’t find self-reflection is necessarily judgment–good or bad. It’s a way I step back for a bit and ask what I see–the way I would if I were giving feedback to a friend who asked me what I see. So yes, I agree our emotions are incredibly important; I also agree that I may have totally misread what was going on. Yet in the end, my intention isn’t to judge myself. In fact, I think of it as getting curious about myself. Almost like interviewing myself and making helpful discoveries. Especially about writing in such a public manner!
Thanks for your comment and for reading so faithfully. I’m most grateful. And learning something every day.
Cheers!
Elouise
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Hey there Elouise, I know that I post mostly rubbish, of no interest to anybody, but me; but it doesn’t worry or concern me, I write and ramble on the way I do because it feels good.
And that’s the way it has to be.
It doesn’t matter if I’m as good as the next bloke or not, it’s not important, the important thing is I’m doing it; and it’s mine.
I’m an autodidact,dragged from school and sent out to work at age 15, I try to be grammatically correct, sometimes I fail, and I learn a bit more.
So don’t worry about how your work compares to others; you may think their stuff is better, and they probably think the same, that your’s is better than theirs.
Just enjoy doing what you do, and accept compliments gracefully and insults with more grace, nothing irks them more. 😈
Here endeth the lesson for today XD says this octogenarian twit. 🐻
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Thanks for this great comment, Lord BofB! I love your last three lines, and having now read some of your lively writing (NOT rubbish), everything you say rings true. Thanks so much. And keep writing about your life!
Cheers! 🙂
Elouise
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I so recognize myself in this sometimes. Recently, I learned that I have a lot to learn about writing. If I don’t do it often, if it is not nurtured and practiced I will not improve. I don’t know if I read your post, but I do like that you were self-reflective and put your honest thoughts our here. I like that you were curious about why you had those emotions. Thanks for your vulnerability.
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Thanks for this comment and for sharing some of your own experience. I think being curious about our selves is a great way to grow. I also agree that writing takes a lot of practice and, I might add, courage! 😊
Elouise
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Thank you for sharing this.
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You’re welcome, Hermione. Thanks for reading!
Elouise 😊
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welcome to the roller coaster we call writing my friend, often riding the up down waves, are we awesome, are we good enough, why aren’t we getting more likes, etc….I think its like a pleasure principle, we get excited over the adulation and then rock bottom when it doesn’t come. A vicious cycle and I wish I had the answer, I know for me it doesn’t even come down to being good enough in my mind, I just put it out there, good, bad or otherwise and if it connects with someone, well then the words came to me to share at just the right time, if not, perhaps it was just to write to make myself happy and that will always be enough. I used to compare and then stopped, as like skin color/personality/I could go on, we are all unique and different and were given our gifts to share. Never fear, they hit the right ones at the right time I believe. You are always one of my number one happy places, always eager to see what’s bubbling up over at the truth trove. (and then there’s Lucy….I love Lucy….she keeps the beat and you in turn, around for a very very long time) Peace and love and happy Saturday. Off to sell tea today. Should be fun 🙂
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Tea??? They drink it in Florida?.. the hot kind? Thanks as always for your encouraging words and wisdom. 😊💜
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actually giving out samples of tea bags (black tea (assam from India) and madagascar vanilla essences from Pure Leaf. They get to take it home and make it themselves. but yes, I drink iced tea unsweetened here. Make it myself, not the fancy store bought kind 🙂 at least I know what went into it 🙂 lots of love of course. And you’re welcome sweets 🙂 Hey L ❤
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Hey K
L 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
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