Trembling Heart | for Diane
by Elouise
Trembling heart sits on edge
waiting.
Unseen by human eyes
she calculates in vain
the cost of knowing
or not knowing
looking for solace
if not release.
Piece by painful piece
mortal heaviness
strips proud bravado
as bare as truth standing defenseless
in the dock of human finitude,
calm, grieving and grateful.
***
Today I had a checkup with my electro-physiologist. I sat waiting, trembling inside, wondering what the doctor might discover in the data from Lucy, my pacemaker.
I toyed with the possibility of not keeping these appointments. After all, for generations before me there weren’t gadgets that could make visible the rhythms of our beating hearts. Maybe there are things it’s better not to know.
When I got home, I was still teary and pondering all this. I was also aware that February marks the death anniversary of Diane, my Sister #2. She lived ten years with ALS, enduring the loss of almost everything we take for granted as human beings. I’ve posted multiple pieces about and from Diane. You can read them by clicking on the category Dear Diane, at the bottom of this post.
I wrote this poem based on my experience today at the doctor’s office. However, it also applies to Diane’s situation. I’m proud to offer it in honor of her courage, good humor, honest emotions and struggles with God and with herself. Though she lost almost all voluntary capacities (such as speech and voluntary muscle movement), she never lost her mind or her great heart.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 7 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Tremble
a beautiful piece in tribute to life and the loss of your beautiful sister. I’m sure she’s watching over you, keeping Lucy in line, and I hope your Dr. visit went well too….gotta stick around for many years to give me someone to read and love ❤
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Oh thank you Kim! 🙂 Yes, I do believe Diane is somehow watching over me–in spirit always and maybe more. She’s one of my heroes. The Dr. visit was what it was. Happy to find out my heart is doing fine right now. Meaning the stuff he watches isn’t suddenly getting worse. It always does something to my psyche though, when I’m dealing with heart and blood pressure issues–things we can’t examine easily or even predict. So yes, a bit of trembling, but also relief that I won’t be going back for several months. It helped to get that poem out of my gut! 🙂 And to think about Diane and what she endured for 10 years. Gave me a little more courage.
Blessings!
Elouise 🙂
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my uncle died of that, it is a tragic and heartbreaking disease. I’m glad Lucy is doing her job nicely, and Dr. appts are always a tremor causing event, even for us healthy ones. I watch my numbers inch up each time I get blood work done and all I can think of is do I have cancer again? I am learning to deal with the stress, breathing, relaxing and of course writing when I can….nothing I can do about it and when I think of it that way, makes it a bit easier, as hubby says, Let go and Let God 🙂
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How sad that your uncle died of ALS. I don’t meet many people who’ve had relatives with ALS, and get it first hand so to speak. Thanks for your comments about Dr. appointments and the bad news you hope you never get. I’m quite healthy for my age, yet each visit feels like an ordeal because of ‘what might happen next or already be happening but how would I know since I can’t see inside of me?’ Your hubby is a wise man. A big yes to breathing and writing! When I’m able to do it, it seems to take me out of myself in a good way. By going inward! 🙂 Lucy just reminded me that being inward is a very good thing because she doesn’t want me to forget her huge, invisible inward role in all this health stuff! 🙂
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I must be the odd man out, I always enjoy visiting my doc’s as you’ve probably noticed 🙂
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You’re a blessed man, Brian! I always have a little edge of fear–though it wasn’t always that way. Just looked out the window. We’ve got snow and a blizzard visiting us today! 🌬❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️
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