Crazy Happy Lady
by Elouise
For several weeks I’ve been thinking about end of life issues, wondering what my daily ‘plan’ is for getting from here to there. How will I order my life each day? I don’t own the time my Creator has entrusted to me. So how will I invest it?
Whatever chaos is, it’s the way I’ve experienced most of my life. A chaos of competing priorities, demands, expectations (yours and mine), rules and regulations, political realities….
I’ve spent years trying to get through and beyond chaos. Yet here’s what happened this past weekend.
From my journal:
It’s 3:30pm, Saturday afternoon. I’m not exercising in the house, not cleaning up the kitchen, not vacuuming, not playing music, not reading a book, not writing a poem, not going through files and piles, or anything else except this—showing up and writing this journal entry.
How I feel right now: weary, unmotivated, discouraged, somber….terrible. Wasting time. Trying to practice centering prayer yet falling asleep. Watching time slip away.
Do I enjoy this? I don’t think so, but sometimes I wonder. Perhaps this is more enjoyable to me than changing my habits.
…My most lethal enemy seems to be lethargy. A kind of glue that keeps me from having an active agenda of things I love to do.
My mind goes through tricks like these:
- If I read a novel, I’m wasting time. If I play the piano, I’m wasting time. Can’t I see how much work needs to be done in the kitchen, the house, the attic, my office?
- If I walk in the house or ride on my recumbent bike or bounce on the rebounder, it isn’t ‘real’ exercise—so why bother?
There’s a crazy logic here—if I do this, I won’t be able to do that. (Or it won’t count anyway.)
And then there are all those other good things I’m not doing that haunt me—
- Sending notes and cards to friends who need encouragement
- Vacuuming the house
- Cleaning the curtains and windows
- Weeding out unneeded kitchen utensils
- Taking things to the Salvation Army or some other charity
Like I said in my last entry, I don’t have a plan for organizing my life. It seems all I do is make sure my food needs are met, wash laundry when absolutely necessary, rest and sleep enough, and do other maintenance work that demands my attention.
Later that same day (Saturday evening now), I was back to my journal. Here’s what finally broke through the chaos and lethargy and made me crazy happy.
From my evening journal:
The best part of today: posting this morning and getting tomorrow’s post ready to go. I can’t begin to express how important blogging has become for my growth and enjoyment. I’d even put it on the same level as walking out of doors. Even ahead of playing the piano…and reading.
Which led to my Crazy Happy Lady List of Priorities – things that top my list of things I love to do just for myself.
- Writing – if not for my blog, in my journal
- Walking – outside if possible, with no agenda but enjoying nature
- Music – playing the piano or listening to music I love
- Reading – poetry, novels, books that help me navigate my life
- Meditating — wherever I am, day and night
As for other activities,
- As little as possible
- As efficiently as possible
- On an as-needed basis
Thanks for listening, and Happy Spring!
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 20 March 2017
Elegant Photo of Woman Writer found at salon.com
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Label
Totally with you! Cleanliness is NOT next to godliness – if it were, we’d find it in Proverbs somewhere. Windows? Yikes!! Maybe if we ever sell our house…
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The older I get, the less it matters–not that it really mattered when I was younger and felt it was my duty. I love your response, Meg. And the hedged ‘maybe if’…! Then again, someone else can do it. Right? 🙂
Elouise
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Yes – like the next owner!!
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My darling. I took the phrase ‘…I don’t own the time my Creator has entrusted to me. So how will I invest it?’ and have it writ large by my PC.
But it says in a Course in Miracles, that anything which does not make us happy cannot be real. So maybe you can check in every so often – does this make me happy? – and then turn about if not.
I’m sorry you argue with yourself. I’m sure we all do it, often. Nothing you do is ever wrong, or wasted. Bless you 🙂 xxx
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Thank you for this comment. I’ve been driven since childhood by a voice that isn’t mine, and am quite certain whose it is. I don’t know many children brought up in similar situations who feel free to own their own voices, plans or even their joys. I consider myself blessed beyond measure for the healing and insight I’ve gained since my 40s. It’s a costly journey. I’m not just happy that I took the risk of making it, but that at this age I’m reaping benefits I never believed possible. Thanks again for your ongoing support and for sharing so freely your own journey. 🙂
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I seem to enjoy most everything you write, but don’t remember a blog about meditation. I guess I’m interested in knowing what meditation does for you.
Clay
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Thanks for your comment, Clay. Right now it’s a way to calm my noisy, busy brain and emotions. It doesn’t solve any problems. It does, however, make me more open to new ways of seeing what’s often right in front of me. The hardest part is shutting out the noise. Meditation helps me exercise that ‘muscle,’ so to speak. It isn’t an exercise in thinking; it’s an exercise in being still and quiet–so there’s room for something else to percolate up into my heart and mind. Not because I’m looking for it, but because I’m not looking for an answer or solution. It’s a way of letting go and also making space for something else.
Elouise
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Give yourself permission to just do what you want with no guilt…it’s the guilt that often overrides us and makes us feel like a big bag of crap so to speak, ha….nasty little thing, embrace the joy of doing whatever it is that makes you smile….the rest falls into place…besides, how important is vacuuming really? I know….not much. ha, enjoy my beautiful souled friend ❤ looking forward always to your next post. Always!!!! ❤
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Thanks, Kim! You’re an amazing cheerleader! 😊💐
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She smiles and shakes her Pom-poems atcha😊💕💋
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Love it! 💕🌹
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Hahahaha! I love the other duties. I feel the same about chores versus enjoying the beautiful things in life. I’m learning I have to feed my soul if I want clean clothes.
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I just love your last line! 😊💕😍😍
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❤
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You seem very worried/concerned about getting old Elouise, look at me, had prostate cancer, a small stroke, and a total gastrectomy ( I like that better than having my stomach chopped out)
I’ll have completed 83 years on this earth come mid-April and I’m not worried or concerned in the slightest,
I enjoy doing what I do, wish I could do more at times, but at this age I believe it’s just good to wake up for another day on this earth of ours, with all the good, bad & ugly.
Who knows, I might not wake up tomorrow.
My dad didn’t, he went to bed one night and forgot to wake the next morning, probably had a smile on his face too! 🙂
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Well…It isn’t so much about getting old, though it’s partly that. It’s more about figuring out what I want to do on any given day.
All my life, I’ve answered to other drummers who outranked me. Now I’m my own boss. It took a while to figure that out.
Also, I find many women and men in my generation aren’t wired the same way when it comes to making choices. Many of us are wired to be useful in some way. It’s how we prove our worth–by not being ‘lazy’ or sitting around all day doing ‘nothing.’
Add to that my upbringing, and well…..you get the picture. Lots of ‘expectations’ real and otherwise to go against.
I heard a speaker recently say girls are taught to be perfect (thus afraid of making mistakes), and boys are taught to be brave (not afraid of making mistakes or trying again). Made sense to me.
So here I am, finally learning to be brave–for myself, not for someone else. And to forget about getting it ‘right’ — whatever that is. It just has to be what I love. 😊
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” γνῶθι σεαυτόν”
Carved above the entrance to the Greek Oracle were these two words.
“Know thyself”
Bravery cannot be taught, one is or one isn’t brave naturally, it cannot be acquired or taught, and who is to judge perfection? More to the point what is perfection? My ideas are probably totally different from the bloke next door.
What we need to teach are those two word.
γνῶθι σεαυτόν know yourself!
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Hello! Elouise, I do not use these words lightly unless I mean them, for they are way too overused by people who do not comprehend what they are saying, but I do understand. I have spent most of my life that way, with a cloud of guilt hanging over me. I knew the guilt was worthless and useless, but it would not lift. It has taken much work, and acceptance, and clear seeing to finally shift it.
What Brian says, “Know thyself,” ay, there’s the rub, isn’t it? I have a pendant bearing the Latin version of this phrase: “Nosce Te Ipsum,” I still struggle with this all day, every day. This challenge is very–and horribly–real to me. Not being able to stand firm in oneself is quite terrifying.
So. You have given me important things to think about. Thank you.
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You’re welcome, Pam. And thank you for this comment. Yes, it’s very difficult to know the self one was never allowed to nurture openly, without fear. It is indeed an everyday struggle and choice. I admire and learn still from women and men whose lives have been shaped around someone else’s pattern for what counts as ‘me.’ Just knowing that this is a lifelong struggle gives me courage. Every change, every advancement and every retreat becomes an opportunity to dig a little deeper and rise a little higher.
Elouise
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Indeed. You’re quite right. You seem to be doing great.
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[…] Elouise Renich Fraser, 7 June 2017 Image found at salon.com, previously featured in Crazy Happy Lady Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: […]
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