My Horrible Night
by Elouise
Last night I was restless, unable to fall asleep for too many hours. So I got up for the 5th time that night, went into my office, opened my journal and wrote whatever came into my head. No, I won’t bore you with all of it. The excerpts below capture what was going on in my head and heart.
First time in months that I’ve had this much trouble going to sleep. . . .Not sure what to think or feel.
~~I let go my desire for security and survival.
~~I let go my desire for esteem and affection.
~~I let go my desire for power and control.
~~I let go my desire to change the situation.I welcome this wakefulness; I consent to it; I’m listening to it.
It’s a reminder of how unpredictable and uncontrollable my life is. A reminder that even with all my good efforts, things don’t always go smoothly. A reminder of what it feels like to have too much cortisol going through my body at this time of night. . . .
My day didn’t have much rest. Lots of time spent on writing, food preparation, shopping for food, an outdoor walk, supper and a movie we watched early in the evening….
No lying down for a little nap, and no time out until late for reading or practicing centering prayer. I think my body and soul feel neglected – perhaps tired of being put on hold in favor of the next blog post, news item or internet search….
I want to learn to pour compassion, not contempt, on all my pride – as a writer, as a professional, as a together lady – a self-contained choir of one….My world seems very small, even though my external connections are many.
I want to be in the choir. Not to be famous, but to enjoy the ride! To feed my soul, my heart, my ears! There’s so much beauty in Your world. I want to be there in it, whatever form it takes….
I know You love me and are surrounding me even in my discomfort and restlessness. …
Be in my sleep and in my wakefulness –
Surround me with Your presence and peace.
Now and forevermore –
Amen
I’m happy to say I fell asleep right away.
The line about pouring compassion, not contempt, on all my pride ran through my mind all day. God doesn’t pour contempt on me or my pride. So why would I pour contempt on my pride, much less anyone else’s pride?
I don’t know how other people came to be as they are. More important, I like myself better when I practice compassionate self-care. Without being too proud to ask for help, of course. ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 31 March 2017
God is drawing you closer and closer and closer…it is lovely to behold.
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Thank you, dear Nancy…💜
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Beautiful, honest post Elouise! I can resonate with some of it.
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Thanks! 😊
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Thank you again! Much empathy as I’ve been facing the same issues. Letting go and letting God!
Love, Kelly
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You’re so welcome, Kelly! I’m grateful it connected with you, and pray today will be filled with wonder!
Elouise 😊🙏🏻
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I loved reading this blog and can identify with the unpredictable and uncontrollable in my own life. I will not bore you with the details.
Thank you.
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Hi, Clay! Thanks for the comment. I’m so glad you could relate to it, and hope you find ways to think about your details. I’m presuming they aren’t at all boring to you. Wishing you lived closer to us, or that we lived closer to you. I pray you’re in reasonably good health. 🙂
Elouise
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I have the same trouble from time to time, so I can appreciate your blog. Is this an age thing?
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Oh Waldo, I’m so happy to see your smiling face! I don’t think it’s only an age thing. However, I think it’s a larger issue for many of us who are older and wiser! 😊
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I’m glad you were able to unburden the weight and get some sleep finally.. Reasons and purposes, nice post even for a horrible night ❤
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Thank you kindly, Kim. Hoping you’re getting good rest these days. Last night was a slumber party–of sleep, of course! 🙂
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This is so beautiful, Elouise, thank you. I’ll do something like it, next time I’m wakeful and wishing I wasn’t.
XXX
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You’re welcome, Fran. This is one of the best solutions I’ve found for nighttime restlessness. I decided venting in my journal (when unable to get to sleep) wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t very productive, either. So I changed my approach and started getting up right away (instead of fighting it), recording what was happening, and listening to it (in writing). What are my restless legs and/or thoughts wanting to tell me? It wasn’t magic, but it resulted in lowered anxiety and anger about not sleeping when I was ‘supposed’ to be sleeping! 🙂 And dark thoughts about how weary I was going to be the next day! 🙂 xxx
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That’s soooo coool. 🙂 xx
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