The Shape of Forgiveness | Part 1
by Elouise
My deceased father, an ordained clergyman, has been on my mind for the last several weeks. Especially the way his behavior toward me still affects my life.
I began blogging over three years ago because I was ready to break my silence. I wanted to tell the truth. Not just the truth about what happened to and within me back then, but the way it shaped the woman I’ve become.
If you haven’t read my earliest posts, I invite you read these, published over three years ago: Dear Dad and Rituals of Submission: Part 1 and Part 2.
Forgiveness has also been on my mind in the last few weeks. The topic almost always comes up when I describe my life as a child and young teenager.
My friends are concerned for me. It’s important, even necessary that I forgive my father. The sooner the better.
- For some, this is the key to God forgiving me. Indeed, if I cannot forgive another human being, why should God forgive me?
- For others, it’s important so I can ‘move on’ with my life. This means not getting stuck dwelling on this negative part of my life. Or at least not making it the leading theme of what is, after all, ‘my’ life. Even though it’s impossible for me to conceive of ‘my’ life without multiple connections with my father.
- For friends who aren’t wired the way I am (an INFJ from way back and very happy, thank you!), forgiveness seems a reasonable exercise that would break the power of the past over me. By putting ‘his’ voice in one column, and ‘mine’ in another, I would simply clarify the truth and get on with my life. Almost like starting over with a blank slate. It sounds lovely; yet it isn’t true to reality as I experience it.
I appreciate each outlook. Yet I still get hooked by self-destructive attitudes and behaviors that arise daily.
- My responses to these situations are rooted in my father’s attitudes and behaviors toward me.
- Yet they seem to be my own beliefs and assumptions about myself.
Finally, I often wonder whether I can or need to forgive myself. If so, what would that look like?
As I see it, forgiveness isn’t a spiritual, intellectual, or strategic decision made once for all. It’s about my whole being and will take a lifetime. I face multiple opportunities each day to let go of my sometimes frantic desire for security and survival, affection and esteem, power and control, and my desire to change a situation.
A broken clay pot can’t be made whole by gluing it back together. No amount of glue will make it new. It’s still a damaged, cracked clay pot. The only way to repair the damage is to return the pot to the furnace, melt it down, and tenderly begin reshaping it. Not as an act of terror—though the process is terrifying—but as an act of love, acceptance and healing.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. What might healing look like, and what kind of forgiveness would it take?
Thanks for reading, listening with your hearts, and commenting if you’d like.
To be continued….
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 1 April 2017
Image with quote found at wordsofbalance.com
Telling the Truth 
I don’t think there is any such thing as forgiveness, and not because I’m an atheist.
It seems just word intended to give some relief and or to make excuses for yourself or some other.
Forgiveness is if the transgression can be completely removed fro the mind and forgotten,
As long as there is a remembrance of a slight, a hurt there is no possibility of forgiveness, for forgiveness is forgetting
.
I can never forget what my mother did, and I’ve learnt to live with it!
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Brian, You raise good points. I don’t believe any human being can, or is required to ‘forgive and forget.’ That’s not what it means for me. I can’t erase what my father did to me, or the scars it left in me. Nor should I minimize them, as though they really aren’t that big a deal.
At the same time, forgiveness is a human possibility–about which I’ll have more to say in the next post on this topic. When injustice such as bullying happens, we can’t look the other way or protect the person who harmed us. Your mother bullied you. No amount of ‘forgiveness’ will ever change or erase that offense–nor should you be expected to look the other way because she was your mother. Stay tuned….
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Unforgiveness can be equated to drinking poison and thinking that it will harm the other person. It makes one bitter and dries up the bones. Most people avoid bitter people because unforgiveness permeates the atmosphere around the unforgiving one. It also brings on many diseases such as arthritis and cancer.
There was a story I heard from a solider who had come to help liberate a concentration camp after World War 2. An inmate acted as a translator. Whereas, most of the prisoners were starving and very unhealthy, this man was healthy. it was learned that he had been in the camp for 5 years and is wife and children had all been killed. He chose to love and forgive. This gave him life while others despaired and died.
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Thanks for your comment. Carrying a grudge or hatred in a way that stokes our inner fires is never in our best interests. I didn’t get much help thinking about forgiveness when I was growing up, or even as an adult. Especially forgiveness toward my father.
I’ve learned that forgiveness isn’t for the faint of heart when the offenses are large and life-changing. Or when they’re committed by people responsible for taking care of us. Also, the rush to forgive isn’t helpful, especially when the damage done is illegal, immoral, or intended to harm someone on purpose. Each situation has its own ‘shape’ and challenges that need to be dealt with by the individual harmed. Preferably with a skilled professional when the situation includes abusive behavior of any kind.
Thanks again for your comment, and for joining the conversation!
Elouise
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I have an easy time with the forgiving part, it’s the forgetting that nails me every time….sigh ❤
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Well…I’m not so sure we’re required to forget–especially when life-changing damage was done to us. Unless by ‘forgetting’ we’re talking about not dwelling on it–which actually frees us to acknowledge it as needed without giving it more power than it deserves. Still thinking about this one (the forgetting part).
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I like the idea of forgetting by not dwelling, unfortunately my mind likes to linger in the murky depths occasionally so I find revisiting things to be not much fun ❤ hope you're well, hey L ❤
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Yeah…I’m also one to “linger in the murky depths occasionally.” Especially if my emotions get engaged. Sometimes there’s a split second or two when I can let go, but I don’t always get there in time. I also know things will always pop up to trigger feelings and memories–though it doesn’t happen as often as it used to, and this forgiveness work has helped me reframe my outrage so I stay focused on my own wellbeing.
As for being well, I’m doing OK. Seeing a doctor this week about my kidneys. No emergencies, just time to pay attention and have Be Kind to Your Kidneys Day every day! 🙂 Lucy sends a shout-out to you, too. She says she hopes you’re sailing right through Spring Break Fever!
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been working and all of the snow birds seem to be flapping their wings, soon I won’t be stuck in traffic too long, another YAY to shout about 🙂
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Sweet Peace🏝 It’s way too hot up here today. 🔥
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comfy here and perhaps a spot of rain tonight, most likely one drop if the last few days are any indication. 5 gardenias on the one bush now….so happy, precious little blooms 🙂
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Elouise Have you seen the movie The Shack?Very powerful!!! I read the book and knew what to expect but really needed to see the movie . DVD doesn’t seem to be out yet
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Hi, Dave. No, I haven’t seen the movie. I take it this is a positive review? (four exclamation points!!!!) 🙂
Thanks for the recommendation.
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Yes At least a 4 stars maybe many more Take a box of tissues if you get opportunity to see it.
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Elouise, Thank you for your vulnerable sharing, as always. I had a different growing up experience from yours, but can relate in many ways. Long ago I decided I needed to see my parents as doing the best they could with what they knew to do. That doesn’t excuse the shaming and blaming, but helps me see that they thought they were doing what was best. That would be pushing it for some parents and maybe for yours.
Forgiveness, I think, is something we do for ourselves, as a way of letting go of the burden, maybe. I don’t think forgetting needs to be a part of it at all. As a matter of fact, it might be important not to forget.
My parents are still living. I’ve tried to talk to them at times in my life, but it’s really hard. Now that they are rabid Trump supporters and I have a transgender child and both of my children are living “in sin”, it’s only harder. I’m planning to go see them for a couple of days and I’m finding myself dreading it more than ever. I really don’t like these people anymore. What a terrible thing to say, but there it is!
I need connection with them, but I struggle with that connection. I know they want connection with me, but they don’t seem willing to connect with the same generosity that I’ve been trying to extend to them. And, if we try to talk, it just turns into an angry battle. So, I have fewer and fewer ways to connect.
*sigh*
Thanks for letting me vent, Natalie
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Thanks so much for ‘venting’! I’m guessing you have lots of company. I’m going to talk about some of this in a second post–which I’m still working on–and appreciate your observations and thoughts.
As for your plan to visit your parents, I can only share the following. Whenever I went to visit my parents after the big meeting with them in 1993, I chose to go in ‘interview mode.’ That means I was (and still am!) curious about their lives, particularly their childhood and teenage years. I took my questions, clarified that I wanted to know more about their lives, and then proceeded down my list, adding questions as appropriate. Sometimes with one parent or the other, other times with both. D was with me on several occasions, which gave me a witness, and helped make it a ‘friendly’ encounter. (They loved D!) I also kept notes about what they told me. Sometimes I made the notes right then; other times I wrote them down right after our conversation.
I never asked them about our meeting in 1993. I was already moving on, doing what I could to establish a different relationship with each of them. I learned a lot, and found myself growing closer to my mother than I’d ever thought possible. Not chummy, but closer. As for my father, his responses and attitudes only clarified that we would never be on particularly friendly terms. I’m really glad I had private conversations with my mother. She was more forthcoming than she’d ever been about her childhood and youth.
Meeting with the two of them together was always difficult. Not impossible, but it wasn’t always clear whether my mother was being forthcoming when my father was in the conversation. Maybe you’ve already thought about the option of not going to visit your parents at this time. Before I met with my parents in 1993, I refused all contact with them for at least a year. I told them I was working on personal matters, and did just that with my psychotherapist. I needed more than geographical space in order to clarify what my options were for moving ahead with my life. Including my relationship with them.
I wish you well, and pray that you’ll come to clarity about how and when to connect with them, and what your agenda will be. The political angle just makes things more difficult. Blessings of peace and hope!
Elouise
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What an excellent suggestion, Elouise, to go into “interview mode”! I do find that the longer I go with no contact the easier it is to see them as two-dimensional caricatures of themselves instead of the complex people they (and we all) are. Asking questions is a wonderful way of emphasizing that.
It is truly irritating to me that, although we talked about it several times, they have not even asked me how my concerts went this weekend. (I sing in a couple of small ensembles.) I’m very proud of how my hard work paid off. Our family has a group on WhatsApp and my mom shared what they were doing and asked about a doctor appointment I had on Friday. When I mentioned my busy weekend in my reply this morning. There was no acknowledgement. I guess I should be grateful they remembered I went to the doctor. 😦
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Natalie,
Thanks for this response. I love interview mode–suits my inquiring mind, among other things. How did your concerts go this past weekend? I think it’s fabulous that you’ve nurtured this talent! Kudos! Praying this finds you in good health. 🙂
If you ever want to talk or contact me on email, feel free. Greetings to David!
Elouise
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[…] to know what’s happening. I’ve talked about end of life matters several times this year. The Shape of Forgiveness series was one such issue. So is […]
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Reblogged this on My Stories Vol Two and commented:
Elouise has been blogging for three or more years and quite regularly she posts something that I would like to think I have the depth to plumb. There are three more to come, if you wish. And even if you don’t wish I think I will reblog the next three.
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I’m almost speechless, John! Woke up to this and almost didn’t know what to say. Thank you not just for reblogging any of it, but for your kind words and friendship over the last several years. It’s so wonderful to have a number of blogging friends who’ve been along for much, if not most of the ride. I feel the weight of years now in ways I never anticipated–mainly over my health. But getting to this point with my father has been absolutely life-giving for me. Thank you again for your comment and the reblog. 🙂
Elouise
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forgiveness isn’t a spiritual, intellectual, or strategic decision made once for all. It’s about my whole being and will take a lifetime.
I so agree with you. I don’t even know what step of forgiveness I am in. Probable letting God use my past to help others. Not because it buys me anything but I have that desire to help others. I believe God has forgiven me and that helps me to forgive but I also believe He does not require it of me for Him to love and forgive me. I am so glad I read this. I will be back to read more
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Thank you, Betty, for this wonderful comment. I’m glad this post was helpful. I have to admit the ‘forgiveness’ thing was, for years, like a ball and chain on me. In addition to my own unhealthy guilt for what I had not done to myself, I regularly had people telling me I ‘needed’ to forgive my father asap. Well…as you can see, sometimes it’s bigger than what I would call ‘everyday’ annoyances or insults. This is about things that shape, change, and steal pieces of our lives for the worse, not the better. Thankfully, not every harm rises to that level.
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