Why I haven’t buried God
by Elouise
I can’t count how many times people ask why I haven’t given up on God. Why I don’t curse God. Why I still call myself God’s beloved daughter-child.
Even though I’m a theologian, my reasons are deeply personal. Rooted in childhood experiences with my father who insisted I call him Daddy.
Daddy, a preacher, had his own kind of God. He desperately hoped his God would have mercy on him, though I never knew exactly why. Daddy also hoped his God would straighten me out into the submissive little girl and young woman Daddy thought proper and seemly for his #1 of 4 daughters, no sons.
So why didn’t I curse God, or at least bury God with honors? After all, Daddy kept saying he was following God’s law. God’s order. God’s instructions for parents and for children. And then he would beat me. All within a strangely church-like ritual that required my full attention, cooperation and submission to Daddy as God’s servant.
It wasn’t church. And it didn’t feel like a safe home. It was worse than being left out in the cold. Furthermore, I now know the God on which Daddy called was not God. He was more like a quixotic bully to be avoided and feared. Friendly one moment; cold and calculating the next.
So why haven’t I buried God? Because my parents did something for me, early on. My primers weren’t little Jack and Jill reading books. They were hymns, choruses, verses and entire passages from the Bible. All memorized and reviewed at home, and later in my grade school Bible classes from grade 2 through 7.
My father had a phenomenal memory and was eager for me, his daughter, to exercise her memory as well. Especially Scripture, but also hymns and poetry. I took to it like a duck to water.
My favorite was Psalm 23. Yes, it’s beautiful. And it’s more. It helped me endure many beatings. Daddy wielded his rod. But Jesus used his to comfort me. To shield my soul and give me strength to endure.
I also grew up hearing and reading the Bible. I loved the story about Jesus welcoming the children when large, grownup know-it-all disciples tried to send them away. Jesus rebuked the disciples, called the children to him and blessed them.
I don’t know what God looks like. But I know what God’s Son Jesus did with children just like me. The kind who seem to make too much noise. A distraction from the serious things of life. Always getting into trouble, or wanting to talk to Jesus about trivial stuff—not theology, or when the kingdom is going to arrive.
Like Jesus, God never sent me away, but offered a safe haven, especially when things weren’t safe. I never felt rejected or unwelcome. Nor do I today. I like to think that as God’s beloved daughter-child, I look a bit like one of Jesus’ sisters from time to time.
Why would I ever want to bury this God?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 12 July 2017
Image found at pinimg.com
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Bury
Amen. and thank you for this. With love and appreciation from the other side of the Pond…
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You’re welcome 😊
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Because there isn’t one to bury perhaps. 👿
Then again he/she/it might still be alive somewhere out passed Jupiter or should that really be Zeus The Thunderer? 😈 🐻
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Hi, Brian. thanks for your comment! I don’t know the answer to your suggestions. I do know the God I’m talking about is alive and happy to welcome me whenever I show up. 🙂
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What’s he look like I’ll keep my eyes open on the lookout for him/her/it 👿
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There’s an Old Testament God that many Christians have trouble reading past – they never get to the NT God. And many of these OT Christians have such little real understanding of their own failings that they try to become their own version of God. They disregard the prohibition to have no other gods. So some versions of that god could well do with burial.
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You and Elouise have said it. The God we know through Christ from the NT is very real to me. Thanks and Amen. T
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I agree with you, Paol. Many Christians and even non-Christians have trouble with what they call the Old Testament God. I wonder whether they’ve ever read through the OT. I’m always stunned by how willing the OT God is to relent, provided people stop hiding, and turn from their folly. In Jesus we see the nature and heart of God. Lived out from birth to death. An impossible standard for me–which is why I count on God being there to welcome me. Not just when I’m ‘good,’ but when I return as the prodigal I am. No matter how often it takes.
I also appreciate your comment about why some Christians turn into their own version of God. I’d welcome the burial of all those gods. It also occurs to me that some Christians think the opposite of their own versions of God is a namby-pamby anything goes god. Saying God welcomes me at any time doesn’t mean the choices I make don’t matter. It just means God wants to welcome me just as I am. Not all dressed up in what I think are righteous clothes, and not cowering in a corner afraid God will reject me. I think being human is one of the most difficult things we’re called to do in this life.
Elouise
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“it’s more. It helped me endure many beatings. Daddy wielded his rod. But Jesus used his to comfort me. To shield my soul and give me strength to endure.” this speaks volumes E ❤ Your God is a good God, God is love and the strength he bestows is a great gift ❤ nice post E
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Many thanks, K
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I had the opportunity to listen to the author of The Shack (William P Young) speak at a Clergy conference 10 years ago. He told us that his vivid imagery of God and his theology was born out of a response to childhood abuse he suffered while his parents served on the mission field in Africa and he was placed in a boarding school. I am told that some of the best comedy is also rooted or at least connected to dark childhood experience (like Richard Pryor’s boyhood in a brothel). Somehow God makes something beautiful out of our worst experiences.
Many pastors I know (including me!) lost our father’s early in life and our theology seems to be somewhat generated by our ongoing emotional search…
My 2 cents…
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and a wonderful 2 cents’ worth it is. My childhood experiences certainly fueled my own theological journey. Thanks for your comment.
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