An epidemic of unforgiveness?
by Elouise
A few months ago I posted a series on forgiving my Dad, The Shape of Forgiveness. Since then, this question has been on my mind: Are we, here in the USA, caught in an epidemic of unforgiveness for which we have no remedy?
In the last post of the series I wrote this:
God forgives each of us daily. This is an act of stunning creation, not just for us individually, but for the families and communities in which we live. I want to be part of this ongoing spirit of forgiveness because I want to be part of God’s creative act, not part of the destructive problem.
Yet sometimes I hear or think words that seem to shut the door on a creative tomorrow: I’ll never forgive him – her – them!
Are we locked into a pattern that undercuts creative endeavors to find common ground, much less forgiveness?
I’m not looking for acres and acres of common ground. Right now I’d settle for a tiny patch anywhere in which we could safely listen and speak about our anguish. Perhaps we would begin finding ways to heal, ways to know each other and ourselves differently and better.
More recently, I’ve begun thinking about my experience in 12-step programs. It wasn’t indoctrination. It was a carefully sequenced program that helped me discover how to deal with myself first. My life had become unmanageable.
Twelve-step programs taught me to let things be so I could discover a better way. I wasn’t in charge. My higher power was. I didn’t have to slam doors or flounce out of the room in self-righteous indignation. Or solve everyone else’s problems. Or prop up the self-defeating behavior of others. Or defend my behavior and condemn others.
Instead, I learned to find safe people, talk with them about things that troubled me, and explore ways to change self-defeating habits. Slowly, I began to join the human race. I stopped standing on the sidelines trapped in patterns of harsh judgment of others and of myself.
How about a Citizens Anonymous program for recovering citizens and friends of citizens? A program that would help us put down our addictive bottles of news headlines, gossip, outrage, harsh judgment, denial, diversions, taunting, and other ways we sooth ourselves when we’re feeling out of control. Maybe together we could find small patches of common ground and nurture something new.
Just a thought. Or maybe this is already happening somewhere? If so, I’d love to hear about it.
Thanks for listening.
Elouise ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 14 August 2017
Image found at callofthevedas.com
Such conversations are happening in some places. My nephew-in-law hosts “Right-Left Cafe” gatherings over a meal. It is a moderately structured time, but one that is intended to allow conversation in a relaxed setting, unconnected from social media, and with the intent of having a civil conversation with someone from “the other side”. We need more of them. And they need to cross not just political “sides” but racial & ethnic divides as well. Interested in setting up such a conversation?
LikeLiked by 2 people
What a great idea!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Meg, I missed seeing this response until I saw Dan’s comment above. What a great idea! In answer to your final question, I’d love to know more about it, and am open to being part of a conversation. Have you done this before? Feel free to respond here and/or in an email. Thanks so much!
Elouise
LikeLike
Forgivness is a figment of the imagination I think.
As long as any individual can’t forget a slight/hurt, no matter how great or small, forgiveness is impossible, no matter what protestations to the contrary are made.
Thats just the way we humans are built and the sooner we learn to live with, and accept that; we can get on with something more important.
Living! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, Brian, we’re not on the same page with this one. I’m assuming you’ve read my posts on The Shape of Forgiveness. It took many years to become willing to consider even the possibility of forgiving my father–insofar as I was and still am able. It isn’t about forgetting. It’s about coming to terms with the reality of what happened to me, assessing responsibility, and moving on with my life, shaped by things that were then beyond my control. At the same time, I have friends who cope with the past in different ways. We can’t avoid it, can we? Thanks for the comment. I’m glad to know you’re living! 🙂
Elouise
LikeLiked by 1 person
I did read your posts regarding your father some time back when we first met.
We cannot expect to agree on all things. It would be unnatural if we did/should agree on all things.
For a start I’m a convinced arrogant atheist 👿 😈 🐻
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmm…You never told me about the arrogant part! 😊💐
LikeLike
I thought it obvious! 😈
LikeLiked by 1 person
By the bye I’m still waiting, impatiently for your comments on the first part of my latest saga. My sister made a snide comment, I don’r know why she bothers, she never follows up or read what other people have to say regarding my posts.
LikeLike
Oh my. I’ll be sure to read the latest chapter and add my two cents! Thanks for the heads up.
LikeLike
Elouise I wrote a long reply in response to this blog of yours but can’t post it. Just to say though that your series on ‘the shape of forgiveness’ meant a lot to me. thanks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome. I so appreciate this comment, and understand your hesitation….not to worry. It’s so good to hear from you yet again. 🙂
Elouise
LikeLike
Forgiveness is a two edged sword. The extent to which we don’t forgive, is exactly the extent to which we hurt ourselves.
I’m glad to read your wise, thoughtful posts, Elouise. Forgiveness in small steps is all we need. Small baby steps.
Lots of love, and hugs.
Fran XXXX
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for this comment, Fran. Yes, small baby steps in the right direction. I’m so grateful to be where I am today.
Love and hugs right back to you.
Elouise 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think a group of like minded people who are open to different ideas and perceptions without the anger surrounding it would be awesome. Can we have donuts too? I haven’t had one in over a year and know I would forgive myself for one bite or perhaps two. It’s funny, it’s easier to forgive our pets for making messes than it is to forgive our family/friends for the same (albeit almost the same) offenses to us. Perhaps to learn that you let the small stuff slide and let it go…but really in the big scheme of things, it’s the best gift we can give ourselves, starting with ourselves ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
What’s your favorite donut delicacy? 🙂 You’re so correct about our pets and our family/friends. Great comparison! What, indeed, are the big things we cannot and must not ignore? The things that keep us from listening to and actually hearing each other? Even I would eat a donut (or its moral equivalency) to make that happen! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
peanut donuts are a favorite, but any donut is a good donut. Just haven’t had one since February of 2016 🙂 my hips thank me I suppose 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Huge congratulations 🎉🎈🎊🍾!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Elouise,
I saw a hopeful piece on PBS last night about a white secessionist and a black nationalist in Charleston coming together for dialogue to create a nonviolent atmosphere and foster peaceful protest. It’s called the Charleston Accord and here are a couple of links:
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/secessionist-black-nationalist-agree-over-beer-peaceful-protest-s-c-n793061
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/secessionist-black-nationalist-pledge-peaceful-dialogue-charlotteville/
If the links don’t work you can easily find them by googling “Charleston Accord.”
It would be wonderful if this kind of dialogue catches on.
Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Nancy
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, Nancy. Thanks for the two links! Can’t wait to check them out. I’m eager for information about positive initiatives like this.
Elouise
LikeLike