Considering Loss on the Eve of Our Wedding Anniversary
by Elouise
11 September 1965
Fear of loneliness
Drifts in and out unbidden
Heavy eyelids droop
Head hangs low over keyboard
Tangled thoughts intrude
Try to distract me as though
I were the intruder
I am not.
Pulling myself together
I rouse myself to the occasion
Reaching for stars and light
I do not own.
What if he dies first?
What if I die first?
I don’t know.
So what do I know?
Only this –
That if he dies first, I will grieve.
And what will be the shape of that grief?
A hole that stretches from here to eternity
An unreachable planet long ago and faraway
A place I can no longer visit
An ocean of heaving sobs
Seaweeds of bitter regret and sweet longing
Washing up on the shore of each long day and night
On Monday David and I will celebrate our 52nd wedding anniversary. I thought I knew a thing or two about love the day we married. I did not. Nor will I know all about love the day one of us dies.
The older I get, the more precious each day becomes. I remember dreading retirement. Not simply because I would miss my colleagues and students, but because I would be spending much more time with D. More than I’d spent with him most of our married life.
Could we live with each other in the same house, including the same kitchen, every day? Would we get bored out of our gourds without deadlines and meetings and endless reports? Would one of us decide to find a part-time job just to get away from it all?
Happily, we’ve survived so far, including Kitchen Wars. But that would be another story.
I’ve had death on my mind in the last weeks, given events here and around the world. Death is about more than statistics, more than a moving memorial service, more than a huge display of candles and flowers. More than a gut-wrenching news story of the moment.
Somewhere, each moment of every day, someone is grieving. I want to honor the value of just one person’s life and the value of grief. The kind that can soften us, making us more human than we were before.
It looks like Monday, our anniversary day, will be a beautiful Longwood Garden day. Maybe another walk in the Meadow? We’ll see.
Thanks for reading!
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 9 September 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Overcome
Telling the Truth 
Time is fixed in the universe. It doesn’t go anywhere, the life you’ve had will always be there when you lived it. It’s not gone, it just /was/.
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Thanks for your kind comment. For me, loss is about missed opportunities in the past as well as the present. Yes, past reality affects the present even beyond our lifetimes. It doesn’t, however, restore the reality of present-time relationship with someone we love. In that sense, something is gone (without going anywhere).
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52 years and going strong. You have no idea how fortunate you are – and don’t say, “Oh but I do”. With marriages and families and relationships broken shattered and destroyed all over and amongst so many that we both know 52 years is knowable to very very few.. Rejoice and be glad in it.
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Thanks, Paol. I think being together this long and having survived our own crises (so far) makes me even more achy about the thought of losing D. Sometimes I just want to stop right here, turn the clock back, and have a second round go at it! Two of my brothers-in-law have died, leaving my remaining sisters widows. And Diane, Sister #3 died, leaving my 3rd brother-in-law a widower. The grief was and still is intense, though different for each of them. D and I are the last couple standing. Sister #2 and I had a double wedding–which also got me thinking about this topic as our shared wedding anniversary came around yet again. Thanks again for your comment.
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I hoped you weren’t offended. I think I was a thinking selfishly. But you prompted a poem. http://wp.me/p8PuzR-ff
And please call me John.
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I would love to call you John! Thanks so much. Not that the other name is bad. It just isn’t the you I’ve come to know…. No, I was not and am not offended. I appreciate every word you said, and am going to take a look at your poem. 🙂
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Thanks for this touching reflection E. I thought I would share this poem by an unknown Native American.
Don’t stand by my grave and weep,
I am not there.
I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond’s glint on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn’s rain
In the soft blush of morning light
I am the swift bird in flight
Don’t stand by my grave and die
I am not there,
I did not die.
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The poet in me loves and gets this! The wife in me isn’t so sure–especially if her grief or his isn’t honored. Thanks for your kind comment, Cedric.
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I heard a touching story recently about a couple who were deeply in love. When the wife died at an advanced age the family held a memorial service and reception to honor her memory. That evening her husband asked her children to go with him to the cemetery. Evening had fallen and the children thought he couldn’t bear to go to bed without her. They could hardly turn him down but they braced themselves for an emotional time at the graveside. When they got there as they stood looking at the headstone their dad put his arm around them and said “It’s been a good day kids. I was always afraid your mother would have to carry the burden of this grief. God answered my prayers.”
The older I get the more I see this. Thank you for speaking your heart. Again.
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Oh Dan. You’re so welcome. Your story speaks truth in a nutshell. Trouble is, I don’t want him to carry the burden any more than I want to carry it….And I still love the story. Thanks for sharing it. It does indeed touch on a deep truth about loss. Especially as we age.
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I have a constant conflict with my mom who grieves for my dad, after 53 years of marriage. In a way she doesn’t think I understand what it’s like to grieve a spouse, which I don’t, but I know what it’s like to grieve a friend, dad, sister, and brother. I have grieved a different way of living. Is grief any different based upon who or what we have lost?
p.s. Happy Anniversary!
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I think grief is different when you lose a spouse to death. That’s what I hear from my friends and sisters who’ve lost their spouses. I know a lot about grieving a family member’s death. I know nothing about the reality of grieving loss of my spouse. The image I’ve heard is that it puts you in another world entirely–one that only survivors of spouses truly understand. That may not be true for everyone, but I’m guessing it’s true for your mom.
Thanks for the Happy Anniversary wishes! 🙂
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Thank you for the insight. ❤
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Happy Anniversary, Elouise! I hope you have fun. 😀 Just take each day as it comes and be blessed. xxxx
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Thanks Fran! Just talking about this with D helps both of us do just that, and to value each day with its unexpected gifts and difficulties. We had a wonderful day at Longwood Gardens today. 😊
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happy anniversary E & D and here’s to many many more. Great thoughts stirring on this post….will re read when a bit focused, feel fuzzy after the last few days but I’ve thought about this too….especially with a hurricane bearing down stirring up what if’s and such ❤ peace and love ❤
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Yes…emergencies have a way of paring everything down to the bone! A good thing, and definitely not for cowards. I’ve been in and out of this mode ever since I broke my jaw. Then all the weather stuff, and it was back on the front burner. We can’t take tomorrow for granted…..which also puts gratitude and love back on the front burner as well. Peace to both of you and your furry pet family! 💜💕
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Thanks E. Spent the day on clean up, fence building duty….almost 18k steps in for the day and it’s still early. I look tan but I’m just filthy from these oak leaves…..perhaps I’ve found a new profession…and a diet by Irma…haven’t gotten this much exercise in a very long time. Nothing for granted, and always blessed to see each sun rise💜🙏🏻☮🕉😊💕
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Yikes! Can’t even imagine it, though I do know wet oak leaves are nasty! My sister in Savannah called this afternoon. Also doing yard cleanup, and thrilled she didn’t evacuate to Atlanta. D’s brother et al made it through in Ft. M with minimal damage, too, all things considered. Grateful for each new day. 🙏🏻
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yes, gratitude is the attitude most needed and should never be taken for granted…along with each breath, of which I’m thankful for some friends who called during the storm and did some visualization and techniques to unwind me ❤ I am blessed indeed ❤
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What a wondrous gift! 🎁
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happy anniversary E & D and here’s to many many more. .
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Thank you kindly!
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