out of synch
by Elouise
Today I’m feeling out of synch. This morning I was out the door early for a haircut appointment, followed by a little grocery shopping. Then lunch at home, and now it’s almost mid-afternoon. This evening I’m planning to attend a service for my friend Margie who died last month.
Tired. That’s how I feel today. Weary. Also uncertain about how I fit into this world just now. Not simply because of recent tragedies and turns of political events, but because of something in me that hasn’t yet found a home.
Most of my life is back there somewhere. Some of it lost forever. Other parts tantalize me. I’d like to go back and reclaim some of them. Others I’m happy to leave in the dust.
A couple of nights ago I wrote these lines in my journal, addressing them to myself and our Creator:
I miss the feedback and rapport of the classroom and working on projects with colleagues. It feels as though I’m in a different universe. Cut off from people and events I used to enjoy. It’s difficult to know whether I’m on track or lost.
I want to feel and know I’m needed, that I’m more than yesterday’s action. I matter, even though I can’t show up the way I used to, or be as spontaneous about activities or plans. It seems everything I do must first be filtered through a host of limitations – a checklist of criteria that gets longer with each new twist or turn in the road.
I want to be needed, not just welcome to participate. Who or what needs me? I don’t know, beyond the obvious family and friends.
Please, help me either resolve this or live with it.
Retirement is wonderful. I love almost everything about it. Yet it has, in many ways, left me with a new kind of loneliness I hadn’t anticipated. The kind that won’t be resolved via extroverted social media platforms, fashionable outfits to enhance my good qualities, or painfully awkward attempts to be someone I am not.
The one solace I have is that loneliness is common. Especially in our over-bearing, over-achieving, over-fretting society. So, in a sense, I suppose I’m right in step when it comes to fashion.
Is loneliness the fashion and grim reality of this age? I’m not certain; yet I fear it’s the truth, from the highest levels of power to the lowest.
Thanks for reading.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 5 October 2017
Photo found at independent.co.uk
Daily Prompt: Fashionable
I think everyone goes through transitions in their life like this, they just don’t say it aloud perhaps. Roller coaster life, sometimes up, sometimes down but perhaps if we just let go and let God, it all works out ❤ I like to hope and think so ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Kim. Sometimes saying things out loud to other human beings helps me move ahead–even though I know the feelings may sneak up again in one of their many lives. Thanks for your encouraging words. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hear you, like I said, a lot of us goes through times like this, especially I find after a high point, we come crashing down wondering what happened….why can’t that happy high remain? It’s then I just let go and embrace what is and find it all smooths itself out like a warm piece of cotton off the line 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, you’re absolutely right when I think about it. My career was itself a high point in my life–full of plenty of downers, but on the whole a life I never thought I would have or enjoy as much as I did–despite the nonsense and politics of it all. Thank you. You give me a way of thinking about more than the little ups and downs of everyday life. And of giving more weight to the little things in retirement that I never thought I would enjoy, much less dare to try out–like blogging! And meeting friends like you….:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
yay, doing the happy dance now just so you know….I think as a kid, I lived in my room living vicariously through any book I could get my hands on….and then began to write myself, forced 10 poems a day for a year…..I had notebooks of them and when we moved down here, I left them behind for the new owners (the girl is a lot like me who loves art/poetry) I only thought once that I made a mistake but realized I’ll never be an Emily, why keep dragging it everywhere I go for 40 years. It was so freeing in a way, like I was finally letting the little girl go from back then, perhaps like a butterfly becoming….I like to think so….always looking for new ways to look at things ’cause some days this world sucks and I have to retreat from the negative and news….it’s there that I find myself again and soar ❤ ❤ Love you my friend and sending peaceful prayers and blessings your way on this full moon day ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a lovely dance this is! Thank you, Kim. I loved hearing about how you began writing poems, and then left all those notebooks full of them behind. Whew! That’s really amazing. I can see why it was so freeing…and why writing them is more important than hanging onto them. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 🙂 I’ll watch for that full moon this evening….
LikeLiked by 1 person
💕💜🙏🏻☮🕉💚💎💖🌕💐🌸🌹🌷🌺🌻🌼🍄🎍🍀🐈🐕🐕💋
LikeLiked by 1 person
It seems as if we are having the same thoughts. You matter to me, I love reading what you write and I especially love when you explain poems. I have always avoided thinking what the author intended to say about this or that. Sometimes words make me feel something, and I like that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, April! I’m so happy to hear that you especially like my explanations of poems. That’s a wonderful surprise–since I’m doing them mainly for myself. Sort of like working out a crossword puzzle without many clues! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t understand most poems and I like reading your thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I LOVE when you explain poems also! Poetry scares me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Then I’m doubly happy you, with April, enjoy my reflections on poems! 🙂
LikeLike
Sometimes I think loneliness is a good state to be in; especially when I’m in it and it’s quite often these days. Although having my dog I don’t suppose I a truly lonely.:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I understand why you say that, at least a little bit. They say dogs know how to read their owners–in a good way. Your Coco is a faithful companion without the added complexities of human attention! I hope I spelled his name right. I’m sure you’ll let me know if I didn’t…. 🙂
LikeLike
Hoping you feel better soon!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Herminia. I like knowing what I’m doing and why. I think I’m getting a bit clearer about it all, one piece at a time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As retirement approaches for me, I am afraid of exactly what you have described! I am sorry you had a melancholy day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Beth. Yes, retirement–such a glowing and wonderful place to be. And yet….The day ended with a heartfelt evening of memories and tributes to Margie. Her life touched so many people. It made me keenly aware or how little we realize the way our lives interact with others. Especially people we don’t known very well or who aren’t very disclosive about themselves and their backgrounds or problems. This morning I’m reflecting on what I might learn from Margie even now, in her death. Thanks for your kind comment.
LikeLike