What I can’t take with me
by Elouise
My electric toothbrush died this morning. After more than 20 years. Burnt out. Busted. Going nowhere.
Which got me thinking about something else I can’t take with me. Not because it’s tangible, but because it’s intangible. Irreplaceable. Even valuable.
I struggle with giving it up because it’s valuable. Which is another way of saying two things.
- It isn’t valuable unless I give it away. Hoarding it does nothing for me.
- If I hesitate, the opportunity will be lost. Whether it helps anyone or not isn’t the point. I don’t want to live in fear mode. Especially about things that relate to me personally.
So what is it? It’s the opportunity to speak now, in this present moment, on behalf of all women everywhere who, with me, carry scars piled on scars. I don’t omit men and their scars. This time, though, I’m focusing on women.
Women are yet again (in my lifetime) pushing beyond the ‘normal’ cycle of news reporting. Insisting on being heard not once or twice, but over and over. Relentlessly.
Sadly, this has set in motion growing push back, with calls for ‘time out’ to slice and dice various permutations of inappropriate behavior toward women. Why? Because the men being talked about may be unfairly lumped together with all men. Which suggests we have generations of men and women who don’t yet get it.
Sexism, like racism, is in the air. The air we breathe, consciously and unconsciously from cradle to grave. No amount of slicing and dicing will ever capture the reality of what sexism does to the embodied soul of one woman or one little girl. Or the reality that no one is safe from sexism’s fallout.
It will take all of us—women and men alike—to begin turning the tide. We desperately need safe spaces for women to breathe, stand up and speak their minds. Telling their stories, often for the first time. Without fear of being judged, questioned as though on trial, or turned into side shows.
I’m tired of hearing subtle and not-subtle calls for women to Shut Up and Sit Down. It’s time to move on and try Listening for a change. Asking how we got here, and what we already know in our hearts needs to change, and what each of us can do about it.
Last night, just before I went to bed, I wrote these words in my journal as a kind of prayer:
I crave the companionship of women and men who carry scars like mine. Perhaps by naming my scars yet again I’ll find them, or they will find me. And then what will we say to each other and to the world?
Thanks again for listening, and for considering what part you might play in your neighborhood, or wherever you have a voice.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 2 January 2018
Quote found at squarespace.com
Thanks for this very insightful post, Elouise! You are indeed right, that, ‘it isn’t valuable unless I give it away.’ Most insightful. 🙂 xx
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Thank you, Fran! This is such a mess here and in so many other places, and has developed into so many permutations that it feels like an impossible situation. Which it will be, if we don’t speak out. And, from my perspective, if men don’t join us–not as leaders, but as allies. Onward! 🙂
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Amen.
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Thank you, Waldo.
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This morning on the way to swim I was listening to Suzanne Vega. “Ironbound_Fancy Poultry” and “Rock in This Pocket (Song of David)” which are both from the 80’s or 90’s and wow! I think she would be of interest to you, if you are not familiar with her work. Lyrically and musically she paints amazing pictures, often brutal in their truth, “Luka,” but not oppressive musically like some rock gets.
A comment about being allies, I am not sure my voice is always welcome (how ironic!) but I do want to be supportive. I think standing with, having your back and if I speak to say, “listen to their voice, their story, their pain.”
I find for myself that I often do speak as if I “know” what others have endured and my retelling is authoritative-and that gets me in deep trouble as I obviously don’t know and cannot speak authoritatively. It seems to me there is a problem in our culture with cultural appropriation and many of us, self included, and confuse it with being an ally.
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Hi, David.
Thanks for your comments! I’ll check out Suzanne Vega. As for being supportive, I think the most difficult thing for men is letting women speak for themselves AND standing by them, especially when they may not completely understand what’s going on. I like your suggested line about listening, etc. That’s exactly what we women need. Not just because we have things we need to say (and haven’t said yet), but because it challenges us to just get it out there without fear of losing the support of men who do, indeed, want to support us.
Your last paragraph is so true, I think. It connects with racism, for example, or being a refugee, or a Muslim. We ‘know’ but we don’t really know from the inside out. And there’s the humbling piece. Standing in line with everyone else to get a little more of that soul food and courage and fire we need from each other but will never get if we keep trying to serve up our own versions of their stories and their observations, etc.
I consider you an ally, and hereby promise to tell you immediately if you jump ship! 🙂
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Thanks! 🙂
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another beauty of a thought provoking post E ❤ miss you and be back soon, got some more reading to do, catching up with Super E and Super L ❤
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Just left a note on your latest post. Missing you, too, and hoping all goes well for you this week! 🙂
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I have plenty of scars, those that can be seen and those that can’t; but they never bother me. They are in the past and are now just history.
I won’t be taking any with me when I turn the toes up 😛
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