Am I ready?
by Elouise
Hesitating
My fingers languish
On the keys
Life
Flashes before me
Inviting my company
My heart
Skips a beat
Am I ready?
Dear Friends,
This past week was wonderful. Going through old files and notebooks told me more about my past than I’d remembered. And I didn’t get through everything yet.
Thankfully, my home office is about half transformed! I focused on files and piles, not books and drawers. Breaking my jaw nearly two years ago brought ‘normal’ life to a sudden halt. And the piles began getting larger and larger….
Hidden in all the files and piles, I found several gems. Things I hadn’t read for years. I even read one piece out loud to myself. It was the Sunday morning ‘sermon’ I gave at our last Renich family reunion in 2012. I wrote it so young children in the room would know exactly what I was talking about.
That was the first time I’d ever talked to my extended family about my troubled relationship with my parents. The room was full of family members from at least four generations. I was a trembling wreck after I finished and sat down. I hadn’t yet begun blogging. I just knew I it was time to do this.
Now I’m at another milestone—still blogging, and with the end of my life approaching more visibly than before. ‘The last chapter’ sounds ominous. However, I see an opportunity to write about things I’ve not written about before. Some new, some old. None of it easy.
During the past week I wrote a haiku on most days. I don’t plan to stop that discipline, or writing poetry. I want to let my heart speak to other hearts. I believe that’s what drove Jesus of Nazareth, though some of his words were difficult to hear.
What I practiced giving up for Lent last year is still relevant. This year I’m thinking about it in terms of my writing voice and my desire to let my heart speak to other hearts. I’m using the same litany as my guide:
I let go my desire for security and survival.
I let go my desire for esteem and affection.
I let go my desire for power and control.
I let go my desire to change the situation.Quoted by Cynthia Bourgeault in Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening, p. 147 (Cowley Publications 2004)
As always, thanks for listening.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 19 February 2018
Image found at twing.com – Living Words
You seem positively light and happy Elouise.
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Thank you, Brian! 😊
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I let go my desire for security and survival.
I let go my desire for esteem and affection.
I let go my desire for power and control.
I let go my desire to change the situation.
At our age, we should let go of the third item, but not the others, especially no. 2.
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Hmmm. Interesting comment, Waldo. Can you say more?
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Yes, I could say more. But I’m having difficulty putting it in writing because I can’t control my fingers any more. I spent 10 minutes just typing this. My intentional tremor is very bad.
I still want security and affection, but not power and control.
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Hi, Waldo. I’ve been thinking about your comments. First, I’m sad to hear about losing control of your fingers. Second, no one should feel guilty for wanting or needing security and affection or even power, control, esteem or survival.
Perhaps there’s a difference between what we need and legitimately want as human beings, and what we can’t make happen no matter how hard we try. The last statement in those four lines is about letting go of my desire to change situations. When I focus on that last line, it helps me relax from the inside out, instead of getting anxious about how I can make sure I get what I’m afraid I won’t receive. Sometimes it’s something I can give myself, though not always.
Please don’t feel compelled to respond. I’m grateful for your comments, and am proud to be part of your family — even though I always felt you were more like an older cousin than my uncle! 🙂
Love and hugs,
Elouise
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Well look at that, found words can do wonders to a soul, I’m so glad you encountered them, perhaps they “turned up” at just the right junction in your life where you needed them to be. Peace and love and keep on keeping on my friend ❤
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Thanks, dear Kim. I’m so happy to see you’ve been here and left me some lovely notes! I hope it means you’re getting some rest. I’m always surprised when I find little things I’ve written that still speak to me. Which makes me believe I’m writing more for myself than for others. As for keeping on–it takes a bit more effort now than it did a few years ago. I’m watching for that spring thaw we’re supposed to get sooner or later! Peace, love and hugs. 🙂
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Very poignant, I am reading a book by a Dr Richard Weiss, it’s well worth the read, it confirms most of what Jesus says, don’t pass on the bias so many live with, forgiveness is far bigger than the word itself, enjoyed the read, thanks
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What’s the title?
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If you google his name, you should find it, if you have no luck with that, get back to me, thanks
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