Complicity and Rotten Apples
by Elouise
For decades I’ve listened to well-meaning friends and strangers telling me to get over it. They weren’t always that blunt, but I knew what they meant. Something like this…magnified through my own shame-based filters:
It’s time to move on with your life. We’re tired of hearing about the same old struggle. When are you going to get a life? Can’t you see how easy it is?!
I don’t fault friends or strangers who’ve urged me to move on. They want the best for me. All I have to do is walk away and don’t look back. The way many of them did.
Yet it seems I have nothing to walk toward except more of those heart-breaking, mind-bending head trips I’ve been on all my life.
Besides, it doesn’t matter what others think about me. What do I think about myself?
From grade school on, academic pursuits were my salvation. They kept me busy. They gave me something tangible to hang onto, plus a fleeting sense of self-worth even though I was running away or lost. I’ve known this for years. Nothing new here.
Recently a friend of many years suggested I’m still complicit with my father’s shaming and silencing of my voice. It still eats me up, from the inside out. Like a rotten apple, it tries to spoil the entire barrel.
She was correct. The shamed-based atmosphere in which I grew up now lives in me, passed on by my father. I have no doubt this is a generational gift of poison.
So I’m back to my childhood with this correction: I did not have a childhood. It was stolen from me before I knew what was happening. Instead, I became a substitute mother (to my three sisters), and grew up labeled as a ‘rebellious, stubborn’ eldest daughter who needed to have anger beaten out of her.
Furthermore, though I enjoyed my children as they grew up, joining in their childhood games didn’t give me the childhood I never had.
So…how do I find what I didn’t have, and how do I stop my internal voice that wants to shame me into silence?
Meet Baby Elouise! No, I don’t have a picture. I bought her over a week ago. Why? Because I’m determined to find and take back what was stolen from me.
My job is to love and listen to the little girl and adult woman I am despite all efforts, including my own, to silence or redirect me. Baby Elouise is helping me move in the right direction.
To be continued….
©Elouise Renich Fraser, 28 August 2018
Photo taken by Sherry Fraser Seckington, June 2016 – from their garden
Telling the Truth 
‘rebellious, stubborn’ eldest daughter who needed to have anger beaten out of her.’
Oh, what strange, twisted ‘logic’ you have tolerated. And yet, like the lode star of your own knowing, you have known it was a crock of ….
We love, by loving, and only by loving unconditionally can we know peace. I’m sure your little girl has a lot she shares with you… ((xxx))
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Thanks, Fran! I’m grateful for many gifts from each of my now adult children. And yes, my daughter is still teaching me how to say exactly what’s on my mind without hedging or softening things that need to be seen/said plainly. 🙂
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Hi, angel. I meant the little child we carry within.
Is it because we are getting older that we say what we really think, rather than what we think others want to hear us say? Been there, done that! Have a lovely day. xxx 🙂
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fine post, how we grow into the habits that eventually destroy us, the post reminds me of those who pass on the habits they grew from their parenting, as Jesus would say, set a loving example worth following, thanks again
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You’re welcome, bw. It seems family histories are sadly understudied and underrated most of the time as conduits for attitudes and behaviors that bring both life and death. I’m encouraged when I see that even Jesus had to deal with family issues. A life worth living isn’t cheap or easy.
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As a fellow eldest sibling parental abuse survivor I empathize with the helpless responsibility that weighs on you during childhood and adolescence. I will be interested in the next step of your journey. That experience is certainly formative.
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Thank you, Dan. It boggles my mind sometimes when I think back to how clueless I was most of my life (about family dynamics and the way they shape us as adults). I never had that family systems course we offered all you students at the seminary! Looking back, I’d say it’s a valuable topic/course of study for just about anyone.
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Dear Elouise, I must admit that I used to think you were dwelling on the past a little too much. But the more I read, and the more you said, I became a lot more understanding. I was talking to an old friend yesterday about the damage that was done to me by the headmaster of my last school. It was over ten years ago.
So keep going where you are. If you feel like ranting and raging every now and then do so. Sometimes it’s good to shout out, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”
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When I use that line, I’ll credit you! 😊
Many thanks for your comment, John.
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I stole it from the movie “Network”
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Network_(film)
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What a great link! I think I need to study this article and take notes! 🙂 Maybe even see the movie? Thanks, John.
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So glad to have connected again. My mother’s attempts to beat sense into me were done with tongue lashings that sought to assure me that I was limited in “impossible to fix” ways. This morning I read a quote by Karen Blixen: All sorrows can be borne if you tell a story about them. Keep telling your story and never let anyone silence you!
My mother lived with us for 10 years; Ken referred to her as: “The poison that sits in our living room.”
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What a wonderful quote! Thanks, Pat. And tell Ken hello and that I’ve always admired his creative way with words! As for tongue lashings, I can’t even imagine what that does to a young girl. I think my father’s tongue was held in check because he was a Rev. Still, his incessant checking up on me made marks as painful as the beatings.
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ah, looking forward to hearing more about baby Elouise ❤ and you keep on doing what you do, healing is a long process and sometimes I wonder if it ever really comes to a completion, or is it just ourselves finally learning how to forgive ourselves so that we can forgive (not forget) others? I don't know, still learning as each day goes by ❤
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Kim, Your comment makes me think about healing as the major mode of our existence, in one way or another. Yes, some things come to an end–so that others can have space to breathe and grow. Thanks for this observation! 🙂
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Of course you were clueless as to the patterns that were laid down in your mind as a child. I grew up thinking I was pitiful because that is what my dad called us three kids. I looked for someone to call me precious and worth while to invest in, and married a man who was looking for same thing, What is worst is two hurting people, each not knowing how to help the other, each dealing with pain. It few and far between those I find who have had a great uplifting childhood. Each person I meet if given enough time will begin to spill the deep things in their heart. I try never to run to people for confirmation of love because they are as frail as I am. I do run to Jesus and He ALWAYS tells me He would die for me again and again if it was needed. But I do not need for Him to die for me again, I just need to rest in His ever lasting love. Keep seeking, don’t give up, know some things are with us always on this earth. It’s only in heaven all the wounds will become scars.
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Hi, Betty. Thanks for sharing your experience and your hope. Sadly, I find many people aren’t interested in looking at their childhood patterns. This often leads to adult problems with spouses, children, and people with whom we work and live. I’m grateful for Al-Anon, which helped me begin looking at myself by way of the 12 steps of AA. It also helped me understand my Christian faith in ways that didn’t perpetuate old patterns of coping and feeling worthless.
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