Looking for friends
by Elouise
During the last several weeks I’ve been restless and lonely. I’m sleeping better and feeling more energetic than I have in the last four years. The weather, on the other hand, has been wildly unpredictable, requiring more in-house activity than usual. Still….
Retirement is heaven on earth. Right? Wrong.
My body has changed and my age keeps creeping ever higher. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t return to academic life with its regular access to interesting students and colleagues. My retirement playground sometimes feels like punishing confinement.
As a child and teenager, I felt left out and lonely most of the time. Not invited to parties, not allowed to go to movies, and not allowed many close friends. Not that there was a long line knocking on my door.
I thought I was over those childhood feelings. Yet they came crashing in on me this past week. Triggered by more than one conversation about a wonderful dinner party or get-together I knew I couldn’t attend even if I wanted to.
The truth is, I don’t want and can’t survive a busy social life. Neither do I want to become someone’s project. I want women friends. A few interesting, trustworthy women. Not for a fabulous dinner out, a trip to the latest show, or even to reminisce about old times.
I’m past the years of being a hostess. I’m beyond cleaning up for company, or trying to transform myself into the social butterfly I’ve never been. I’m also beyond being part of a church visitation team.
This is about connecting in person over a cup of tea or glass of water, going for a walk or not. It’s about regular face to face time with women who might also feel left out, forgotten, or simply in need of female company.
And no, I don’t expect you, my readers, to solve this for me. Though perhaps some of you have felt this way from time to time?
Thanks for taking time to listen.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 2 March 2019
Photo found at nationalpost.com
Telling the Truth 
Oh, I can identify… Though sometimes we just feel down, you know? Tired, probably. Or not living up to our own ludicrously high standards. ((xxx))
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Thanks, Fran. In this case, I think I’m having to renegotiate the last years (or less!) of my life. Which means taking my feelings seriously without falling into the ‘ludicrously high standards’ trap. (I love the phrase you use!) As for tired, or feeling down, I haven’t felt this good for several years. So I’m striking while the iron is hot, instead of waiting for someone to just show up and rescue me. As an introvert, I enjoy working alone. However, I’m also a people person, and there are precious few of them regularly in my life right these days except for doctors, nurses, friends I see on Sunday, and neighbors I see from time to time when I’m out walking. So we’ll see what happens next….! 🙂
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Thank you so much for sharing this. I long for deeper conversations, for belonging and connecting. As someone living between worlds (US and mission field) and not really feeling understood in either I understand.
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Hi, Joanna. I’m grateful for your understanding and your comment. We often forget (and can’t even imagine) how difficult it is for someone living between two (or more) worlds. Then there’s always that time lapse factor so that people who knew you back then don’t really know you as you are now. I pray you’re able to find a few safe companions who’ve been there as you have.
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I’m with you, Joanna. We came home to be near our youngest daughter and good doctors after 48 and 50 years on the mission field. Talk about a fish out of water! You know the feeling. We got into a very loving church after 6 months. Very active, board, kids group, missions presidents etc. Then my daughter and family went with her husband to a new job in a town 4 hours from here. A little less that a year we will be out of here in a month. I had settled in for life, but no such thing, for the kids want us out there. I know 2 people in the town, the head Hud lady and her assistant. Know??
I have a friend who prays for peace for me when I get up the nerve to share my heart. And I know He hears her prayers, even though I have a doubting heart. So God bless you, sister and fulfill your needs as He will do for me.
Yes, Eloise, we (your cousin Dennis and I) are moving again. Surely this will be the last move?!?! I’ll keep in touch here.
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Oh my…. I pray all goes well. Thanks for your comment to Joanna. Praying for peace for both of you…and all of you.
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I have felt this wayat times too, Elouise. You are welcome to my unclean house any time or we could meet for coffee at a place without stairs. Let me know if you’re interested.
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I love your invitation, Marilyn, and will be in touch. I love your unclean house, stairs and all! 🙂
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I see so much of my wife in what your write… She is an introvert who makes a few close friends and values them dearly, but then feels like she is often on the outside looking in. And she wonders why she doesn’t get invited to things that she probably wouldn’t want to attend anyway. Then she internalizes that as rejection. I appreciate your willingness to bare your soul with vulnerability. And as one of your former students I can confidently say that our admiration and respect for you may be unspoken over the years but it is still there. And I know that there are many people (like my wife) who would cherish the opportunity to join your small circle of friends. It sounds like God is calling you to make a few changes in the way you function. I will pray that the Lord illuminates your path.
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Thanks, Dan! You’re correct: changes in the way I function. Which means (for me), writing about this instead of stewing about it. 🙂 Your description of your wife rings true, except for this: I don’t usually feel rejection. I’m more likely to feel forgotten–especially now that I’m of that certain age, whatever that is. I would probably enjoy getting to know your wife. Hoping both of you are doing well these days.
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This is beautiful.
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Thank you kindly. 🙏🏻
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Thank you for sharing. I have found that I went through such a big gap without women friends. I have been cultivating some new friendships, though two have moved away to other parts of the country. I feel that a few friends that are great company is enough for.
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Hi, Mia! Thanks so much for this comment. Yes, a few friends who are ‘great company’ is wonderful. I also find that when they move away or die, I haven’t been proactive about finding others to take their places. So now I’m on the hunt! 🙂
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If we weren’t all the way across the country from each other, I’d be there in a flash, Elouise. I’d love to sit down over a cup of tea with you. Love, Natalie
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Just thinking about it makes me happy! Thanks, Natalie. 🙂
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An interesting commentary…since Ken and I moved to New Haven in October I feel this loss of my cherished friends sooooo deeply. We have been making trips back to Maine regularly (mostly for funerals, another reminder of aging) and these help me reconnect, especially with my closest friend, another woman retired from ministry. She and I keep one another apprised of good books and poetry. But I had several friends whom I met regularly for coffee or lunch and deep conversations…and I am finding the truth of “You just can’t make old friends.” Blessings on your search.
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Hi, Pat! It’s so good to hear from you, and to hear about your move and your present situation. I pray you’ll find at least one good woman of a good age with good sense and perhaps a similar hunger for female companionship. I’m grateful for your comments. I don’t think this is a small issue–especially for retired or aging women. If you’re ever in this area, feel free to get in touch! Longwood Gardens is still gorgeous at any time of the year. 🙂 Greetings to Ken, as well. (I love your profile picture!)
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