Getting on with life
by Elouise
Though I haven’t fallen down the stairs, or tripped on my own feet, I haven’t figured out how to get up again and proceed with life.
Mary Oliver has a short poem in A Thousand Mornings (2012, p. 9) that says it all.
After I Fall Down the Stairs
At the Golden Temple
For a while I could not remember some word
I was in need of,
and I was bereaved and said: where are you,
beloved friend?
My biggest fear right now is that I’ll fall down: Where are you, beloved feet?
It’s official: I have peripheral neuropathy. It’s in early stages, though given the fire and pain in my feet and legs, you could fool me. My doctor has ordered an MRI scan. I’ve never had one. I don’t want one now. And yes, I’ll have it.
Last Friday I had two diagnostic tests in the office. Together, they took about an hour. The first (scroll down in this link) (NCS) was supposed to be the easiest. Electrodes on my feet and legs were prompted to shock me. Sometimes my responses were minimal—or even nothing at all. However, most of the time (a good thing) the shocks were just that. Horrific. I thought they would never end.
So…moving on to the second test (EMG). It was supposed to be the most difficult. The doctor inserted thin needles into my legs and feet, prompting me to use or flex various muscles while he listened for noise. Then he did one more poke in my lower spine. The needle pokes weren’t fun, but they were nothing compared to the shock tests. In the end these results were also mixed. Another sign that this disease is in early stages.
I was surprised that my problem most likely began in my lower spine, not in my feet or legs. The MRI will help clarify what’s going on.
In the meantime, my feet are a mixed blessing. I’m grateful to be sleeping well most of the time. The best exercise these days is a walk outside with D or riding my indoor bike. My feet smile and even tear up a bit when I’m playing the piano or working at my computer. Yet when I’m working in the kitchen or around the house, they scream at me for mercy. Especially in the afternoon and evening.
If you’re interested in knowing more about this disease that shows up in various forms, I’ve found these two books helpful:
- Peripheral Neuropathy: A Guide for Patients and Families, by Norman Latov, MD, PhD
- Peripheral Neuropathy: What It Is and What You Can Do to Feel Better, by Janice F. Wiesman, MD
Thank you for your prayers and good wishes! The photo at the top is one of my Longwood Garden favorites–posted today just because.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 24 Oct 2021
Photo taken by DAFraser in October 2019 at Longwood Gardens
Telling the Truth 
Like, of course, is the wrong button for what you are going through. That sounds a terrible ailment requiring much adjustment to live life to its fullest possible under the circumstances.
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Thanks, Gwen. You’re so right about the Like button! As for the rest of my life, I’m indeed rethinking everything. This pervasive disease rarely reverses. Especially in women and men of my generation. And…because there are so many different forms the disease can take, there isn’t much research out there on ways to address the elusive “it”. For example, ALS, Alzheimers, and Parkinson’s disease are in the huge list of diseases connected to peripheral neuropathy. By the time it becomes impossible to ignore, it’s already nearly impossible to turn around. Learning to live with it is the biggest challenge I can think of at this time in my life. All other things remaining in balance, of course.
I’m still swimming in your book! I love to read it while I’m on my indoor bike. I catch my breath frequently, not just at your ability to remember and convey your past history, but at the unpredictability of it all.
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With regard to memory, I believe, as you have experienced, that trauma embeds scenes and surroundings. Then, of course, in the case of my mum’s illness, the repetitive nature of it. If ultimately, the book does speak to you, I would be thrilled if you would spread the word. I was always told it wouldn’t be interesting to American readers as you have so many of your own stories. It’s also in audio narrated by me.
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I’m so sad you are having to go through all of this. 😦
Prayers for you and for your precious spine, legs, and feet.
Yes, keep getting on with life. 🙂
That photo is absolutely gorgeous! Such delicate little flowers and yet they are seeking to thrive and sharing their beauty! 🙂 We must strive to do the same. 🙂
(((HUGS))), prayers, and ❤
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Oh yes…we must be like these tiny little flowers! There’s so much more to us and to life than the things that try to drag us down. I do confess to feeling caught on a rollercoaster ride I didn’t want to take. Tomorrow I see my kidney doctor to update her about this latest turn of events (yes, there’s a connection to kidney disease here). Then next week I get to update my cardiologist. I do pray your health is adequate to this time in your life. I think the reality that yet another health issue has piled onto me is the most difficult part to accept. Retirement?! Well…at least I have D and Smudge here in the house to cheer me on! 🙂
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Yes, the piling on of health issues is a bummer. 😦 I was born with 3 health issues and some others have joined them along my journey of life.
With D and Smudge, I am cheering you on, too! 🙂
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[…] addition to two books I mentioned in an earlier post, I’m also reading a book by Mims Cushing (who lives with this disease) and Norman Latov, MD, […]
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