Grief and Broken Hearts
by Elouise
Grandpa Gury with our Mom and her four daughters, 1959
grief insinuates
prickly memories into air
struggling to breathe
waves of despair
wash over old gains
searching for home
abrupt endings
leave little space or time
for grieving hearts
Last night Sister #2 died of congestive heart failure. Ruth was born in July 1945. The photo at the top is one of my favorites–all four sisters, Mother, and our maternal Grandpa.
Due to health issues, we won’t be flying or driving to Texas for Ruth’s memorial service. Here’s one more photo from the beginning of our life together. Sometimes I wish I could go back and start over, this time without fear of my father or other men and women in my life, and without things like ALS or congestive heart failure hanging in the air.
Easter Sunday with Ruth, Diane, Elouise,
plus Judy in the doll carriage, 1952
Thank you for stopping by today. The world is different now than it was 80 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it to keep going. But then…without warning…I meet wonderful people who remind me that we’re not alone. Especially in times like these.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 26 June 2023
Photos taken by my father, JERenich
Telling the Truth 
Sending love your way.
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So sorry to hear of your loss, Elouise. May God’s presence hover close…
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Thank you for your prayers. This is a difficult loss, given our long history together and very different personalities.
Elouise
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I’m so sorry for your loss, Elouise. It’s hard to grieve long distance.
Love, Marilyn ________________________________
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Indeed. Thank you, Marilyn. I pray all is as well as possible these days for you and your family. It all goes by so quickly.
Elouise
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Agree agree agree. JUST MET OUR
THIRD live in aide from Liberia to help Carol as she is becoming very confused. Second aide from Sierra Leone now preparing for meeting at Immigration Tuesday. ALL THREE HAVE HAD WONDERFUL SPIRIT helping Carol.
BLESSINGS TO YOU AND DAVID
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Thank you, Dave. It’s so difficult to watch someone we love leaving us even before death. I pray you’ll find good help for Carol. When my sister Diane was living/dying with ALS, she had a small family of wonderful women aides who did everything possible to help her. Thank for your greeting at the end. David has had his own health issues recently. We’re grateful for what we still have together. I often wonder what the big picture is right now–not just with us, but throughout this weary world.
Elouise
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My condolences on your loss, Elouise. You two shared a long history.
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Yes, indeed. A very long history, not all of it pleasant in light of our father’s unexamined issues from his own family. I’m grateful I lived long enough to know Ruth as my sister (rather than one of 3 younger daughters for whom I was too often responsible). Surrogate mothering was not the high point of my life. I hope you’re doing well these days. It seems the world wants to cave in on itself and give up. Or, put another way, it seems we’ve already done so much damage that there’s not much left to save. I hope to be proven wrong.
Elouise
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I’m keeping well thanks for asking Elouise. I wish I would set aside some time for blogging as I have so much material, but the days fly by. I’ve been advised to reduce one of my manuscripts by 20% in the hope it will become interesting to a publisher. That keeps me busy.
Family dynamics can be such a minefield. I’m sure my brother felt much the same as you when he got saddled with me. And I’ve just returned from visiting my 84yo cousin. He has four children and only one of them keeps regular contact with him. My cousin takes it very personally, interprets it as rejection of him, without recognising what role his actions have had to play in the distancing. At this stage of his life, I doubt he will achieve self-awareness, so the stalemate will go on until its inevitable conclusion. Too, too sad.
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Thank you for your comments about family dynamics. It’s the kind of thing that either gets resolved or becomes more and more awkward as the years go on. I feel connected to my sisters in many different ways. However, this one (the one closest to me in age) feels more distant to me, which makes grief that much more difficult to accept.
At the same time, I know that the dynamics between us were orchestrated by our father who was brutalized by his own father. My father demanded full loyalty from our mother and used me as the example of how NOT to take my ‘punishment.’ It’s the reason I began this blog. Nothing has helped me more than having an outlet that gave me opportunities to put into words things I’ve kept quiet about all my life. Thankfully, blogging has become more about life as it is, than life as it was.
Your approach to writing about yourself has helped me immensely. Yes, we have our own minds and our own way of working things out. And No, we don’t need to apologize for telling the truth, or hide somewhere lest we be found out. Blessings to you as you keep working on your own writing.
Elouise
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People always asked me if writing my memoir was cathartic and I replied, “No, I was just telling it how it was – a story I have verbalised many times.”
But after a while, I realised that story no longer lived in the fibres of my being. It was if by being published, those memories had a place to live that was outside of me.
Maybe blogging brings you the same relief.
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Yes. I think that’s true (for me, anyway). It feels like I’ve finally been living my own life…without apology or fear. Thanks, Gwen.
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I’m so very sorry to hear about the death of your sister. 😦 💔
My prayers, condolences, and love to you and all of your family.
(((HUGS))) ❤️❤️❤️💔
PS…a lovely precious photo of you and and your sisters. ❤️
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Aren’t we sweet? I love both of those photos. It’s too bad we weren’t as sweet on the inside as we seemed to be on the outside! 🙂
Thank you for your prayers. This, like my sister Diane’s death, wasn’t easy for anyone.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family. Death always has a way of underscoring what really matters.
Elouise
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🙏❤️🙏❤️
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We were so sorry to hear about your sister, dear Elouise…please know lots of people love you and are praying for our Good Shepherd to let you know He is with you in the valley, as He has been in the green pastures beside still waters…our Constant. We love you!
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Thank you, Nancy! I’m so grateful. I’m a bit of a private person (understatement). Still, I’m most grateful for your prayers. I’m also sad that we can’t travel to Texas for Ruth’s service. I haven’t seen her since we attended her husband’s funeral 10 years ago. Love and hugs.
Elouise
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Loss of someone we love is so hard. Know that your honesty and openness and sharing bless your readers. May the days ahead bring some peace.
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Thank you so much, Lynette, for your comment about loss. I can’t think of many things that are as terrifying as letting go of someone we love and have learned to count on. I’m grateful for your prayers.
Elouise
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Dear Elouise, It is sad that you can’t attend the service. There are a few heartfelt Australian prayers on their way.
Love, John.
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Thank you, John. Yes, it’s very sad. Texas and Pennsylvania are light years away from each other. I’m most grateful for those heartfelt Australian prayers! Blessing and love to you and your family members.
Elouise
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Dear Elouise, You have my utmost sympathy. Love and hugs from across the pond. Fran ((xxx))
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Hi, Fran. Thank you so much for your note. I pray all is as well as it can be for you and your family. I still dream of seeing you someday!
Hugs and XXX’s from Elouise
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Hugs back to you! ((Xxx))
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