Why this blog?
I need to say some things out loud before I die. I’m not knowingly staring death in the face, yet I know my days are numbered.
Like many other children, I was groomed to be a victim. What did that look like? How did it affect me as a child, young adult, wife, mother and professional woman? As an adult, what does it mean to take responsibility for myself and move forward instead of backwards?
I’m a preacher’s kid, the oldest of four beautiful, intelligent, gifted daughters. I learned early to live a double life—not intentionally, but as my sad and sorry default mode.
My father believed that his duty as my parent was to break my will. I survived thanks to silence. For years it served me well.
Then it didn’t. In 1993, on the eve of my 50th birthday, I broke my long silence with my parents: “I did not deserve to be shamed, humiliated or silenced.”
I began telling the truth about what happened inside of me when I was growing up. I desperately wanted my parents to know me as the daughter I am, not as the daughter they thought I was.
Now my parents are gone. I’m tempted to keep the lid on. Hunker down into comfortable silence. Haven’t I already told enough truth? To enough people? Maybe I should just think about it further. Or sleep on it. But grief, the global situation in which we find ourselves, and a tiny fraction of hope call me out.
Often when I’m playing the piano, writing in my journal, listening to music, singing, watching children interact with parents or caregivers, reading poetry or looking at a haunting work of art, I recall yet another piece of my life that was stolen or disfigured. I weep, swinging back and forth between anger and grief, longing for what will never be yet has within itself exquisite beauty and a glimmer of something better.
Something better, based on truth instead of lies. If I don’t tell the truth about my life, I will die inside. I want to live, and I want my children and grandchildren to live.
Hence this blog. Thanks for listening and, if you’d like, responding.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 Nov 2013
We all want to be heard. To be seen. To be loved. So grateful to be witness to you embracing and speaking the truth. Such strength here!
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Thanks, Megan, for this comment, and for signing up to follow the blog.
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I am grateful you thought of me as one of many who will Journey with you on this powerful path to self honesty and truth. You are bold and brave my friend. My prayers go with and before you as you travel the path toward wholeness.
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Betty, Thanks for your kind words. I’m so glad to have you come alongside!
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I greatly appreciate your transparency as a woman in ministry finding her voice. You were one of the first and foremost examples I had of a woman stepping out into leadership as I began seminary and then pastoring. Gender dynamics and whether or not people have a voice (and if it’s heard) are such key issues in so much. Thanks for walking this path ahead of so many of us, cutting through the bush, and leaving breadcrumbs and signposts so our way is a not quite so hard. It truly makes a difference!
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Thank you, Rose. It’s wonderful hearing your voice, too.
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You have been my teacher and my mentor for the ministry that I now share with others. And it was you that taught me the value of our narrative lives and the power of reflecting upon the narrative portions of the Bible. Your story is essential to all of us in a thousand ways. In it and through it we see bits and pieces of ourselves, our families, our cherished friends. On a larger theme, it bears painful witness to the Church. Please continue to pour out – we are listening.
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Jane, It’s so good to have you in the conversation. Thanks for your words of encouragement and support.
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Thank you , Elouise, for inviting me to participate. I am forever thankful to you and Ruth for your loving ministry to Diane during her sickness with ALS.
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Clay, You’re so welcome. My visits shaped me in ways I’m still unpacking years later.
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You did the right thing. So glad you found your voice. Finding your voice is a major step in the “healing” process. I quote because there is so much more involved than simple healing. of the body… there is the psyche, the emotions, the spirit and the soul also.
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Thanks, Kev. Yes–so much more. Every new stage of my life and every new blog post presents challenges. Sometimes I’m still tempted to say enough already! Thanks for your encouraging words. Now back to my next post….! Yay!
Elouise
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😀
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You’ve done something extremely courageous and we are sure your posts will inspire many.
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Dear Friends at s2lt, Thank you so much for your affirmation.
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You are the ruby red slipper standout this week, hope,you enjoy;)
Permalink: http://zipsrid.wordpress.com/2014/08/03/ruby-red-slipp…tandout-week-4/
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I’m so stunned I scarcely know what to say….Thank you. I’m so glad you like the rose! I insisted my husband take a picture of that particular bloom when we were last visiting the Portland (Oregon) Rose Garden. The color, the texture, the shape were like a magnet pulling my eyes away from everything else. I find this blog is drawing me in as well, not letting me go. Taking on a little life of its own. Thanks so much for your affirmation! Back to tomorrow’s post…with a great big smile on my face and a tear in my eye.
Gratefully,
Elouise
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You are welcome, I hope you find some new friends with my post:) you deserve the ruby red slipper treatment my friend. Bask and enjoy;) only happy tears allowed:)
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definitely happy tears!
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WOW! This is so bold, so powerful!
Elouise, a lot of what you wrote resonated with me. My parents — good people — considered me weak and “on the wrong path” and ran over me like a freight train for most of my life. At tremendous personal cost to me, I kept my mouth shut out of unquestioning respect for them. (After all, that’s what God intended — right?) In my mid-fifties, I finally blew . . . it wasn’t pretty and things were never the same between us. I spent a lot of time after that questioning ‘who’ I actually am — if ‘not’ what my parents defined me as.
Again, WOW . . . I’m looking forward to reading your posts!
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Yes, indeed–‘what God intended’? I’m so glad (?) you’re finding things resonate with you. As you’ve doubtless seen, I never blew up or acted out when I was living at home. Not safe and not my good girl style. I just swallowed it and counted the days until I would be my own ‘boss.’ Thanks so much for your affirmation! I’m encouraged. I hope you are, too. So many of us out there….
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🙂 🙂 🙂
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I recognise and echo many of your reasons for writing, as well as your reactions to what must have been a crazy situation. Bless you, in your search for understanding and love. I look forward to reading more of your blog. xxx 🙂
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Thanks, Fran. I’m so happy to have you following the blog, and look forward to learning more about you and how you’ve managed your challenges in life.
Elouise
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