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Not once have I blamed Daddy for his beatings and troubling behavior toward me. In Part 3 of The Air I Breathed, I talked about my habit of constantly blaming myself. I didn’t like seeing this then, and I still don’t like it. Blaming myself may have been OK as a survival skill when I was a young child and teenager; it’s not OK now, decades later.
So where am I today? Read the rest of this entry »
She is adamant: “I’m still Diane!” It’s a theme in her life with ALS. Getting it across costs her time and energy—well worth it from her perspective! I certainly didn’t know how to relate to someone with ALS. Diane brings us on board. Read the rest of this entry »
I agonized about whether to begin this blog. Not because I had nothing to say, but because I was terrified. Of what? I’m not sure. Probably the concreteness of truth. Even though I lived with it all my life, putting truth out there in concrete words is different.
The words below are from my journal. I made the entry on 19 July 2012, about 18 months before I published my first post, Dear Dad. Read the rest of this entry »
July 1997 – Diane consumes books and articles about ALS. She watches for TV specials–anything that tells the truth about ALS. She and her husband soak up the viewpoints of ALS patients, their family members and caretakers.
Diane takes them all in and thinks about herself and tough decisions that lie ahead. Things like whether to go on a ventilator, Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Readers,
‘Youth’ includes everything before the present moment.
The older we get, the more ‘youth’ we accumulate.
Don’t even try to get out of this one! Read the rest of this entry »
you pressed me today—
barely balanced defenses
crumble at my feet
* * * * *
Dear God,
I don’t like this one little bit. Read the rest of this entry »
I can’t hide from that all-seeing eye of God watching me day and night to make sure I’m being a good little girl. It follows me through life. Not an eye of Goodness and Mercy, but of Judgment and Contempt.
I’m lost
It’s the 1980s. I’m 40-something. I claim I’m a follower of Jesus Christ. Yet I’m lost in fear, self-contempt, confusion, a judgmental spirit, and the vain belief that I can fix other people’s lives. If only they would just listen to me! Read the rest of this entry »
Diane’s life with ALS flew by way too fast. My Houston journals remind me just how difficult it was to live within each moment. Sometimes it seems I was stuck, holding my breath, waiting for Diane to die.
More often, though, I was sorting out what I could/could not reasonably do during my visits to Houston almost four times a year. Here are a few things I struggled with during my November 1997 visit. Read the rest of this entry »
