Telling the Truth

connecting the dots of my life

Category: Writing

Hesitating

her eyes
scan
each faded
page

past
and future
clash
reluctant

time
runs out
wistful
she sighs

remembers
what
she had
forgotten

sees more
than
decades
before

maybe….
what if….
must I
now?

shadows
creep
toward
sunset

closing
each book
not ordained
to stay

she turns it
sideways
spine up
pages down

***

During the last several weeks, D and I (more D than I) have been weeding our home library yet again. Only this time it’s different. We’re retired. In our 70s. Not going back there again.

Our collection, well over 9,000 (yes, D keeps a record!), has been our 3rd ‘child’ since we married each other and our book collections in 1965. It grew exponentially with each new degree and each new teaching and administrative opportunity.

The most important item in any house we’ve purchased has been wall space. We’ve had bookshelves on every floor and in most rooms. Since 1983, when we moved to the Philadelphia area, we’ve put rows of them on our home-made shelves up and down our full length finished attic. Our decorating scheme has been simple: Books!

Not just professional and academic books, but collections for children, adult novels, biographies, poetry, mystery series, science fiction, philosophy, art history, music books, travel books, encyclopedias, foreign language books, world religion books, Calvin and Hobbes cartoons and Winnie the Pooh!

Big sigh. Letting go is, for me, rather emotional. These are my friends! My companions on a long journey! Just looking through them reminds me of the many wonderful women and men I’ve met along my journey—as classmates, as professors, as students and as colleagues.

Letting go has taken decades—first hundreds of books, then our first 1000, and now I can’t even count. Yes, we’re keeping some—can’t go cold turkey on everything. Have we read all of them? No. But I can say with certainty we’ve used or read most of them over our combined academic years. We’re book-worms from the inside out.

So here’s a fond farewell to the latest haul—now over 100 boxed books stacked neatly in our garage waiting for pickup by a book service that sends books like ours to majority world theological schools.

Here’s an impromptu proverb for today: She who hesitates today will regret it tomorrow (when she has to go through the same old books again)!

Yours in sickness, in health and in between!
Elouise

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 1 March 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Hesitate

Kinderdijk | Viking Cruise

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What’s missing from this picture? Wind! Not a breath of it while we were there. Still, the windmills were spectacular.

We sailed all night from Amsterdam, and arrived midmorning at Kinderdijk, a UNESCO World Heritage site. It was constructed as an outdoor museum, with examples of old windmills. Though they aren’t now used to drain water from low-lying land, they are functional. Citizens apply to live in them, with or without children. It’s considered an honor, and requires daily attention to maintenance and to changing winds to keep super-heavy windmill blades in motion.

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Kinderdijk means “children’s dike.” According to legend, it’s all about a cat, a cradle, and a baby who survived a storm thanks to a dike and a cat’s faithful instincts! The site includes a system of 19 windmills and was built around 1740. This is the largest concentration of windmills in the Netherlands today.

It’s 1421. A humongous storm and flood have subsided. Only one polder in the area isn’t flooded. A polder is a piece of low-lying land reclaimed from the river or sea via pumping the water up, out beyond dikes.

A rescuer goes out, walking along the dike to see what might be salvaged. There floating on the water is a wooden cradle! As it gets closer, he sees a cat in the cradle jumping back and forth, keeping it afloat and dry. Then, when it’s closer to the dike, he sees a baby sleeping in the cradle. A survivor, thanks to kitty’s great balancing act!

This story is celebrated in a folktale, “The Cat and the Cradle.” The cradle below commemorates kitty and baby’s successful cruise.

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So how about a look at one windmill that allows us to get up close and personal?
Like most windmills on this site, it’s a grondzeiler, or  ‘ground sail windmill,’
so called because the sails almost touch the ground as they turn.

 First, a view from the outside, looking up.
Can’t help noticing how huge these things are
and how much human-power it takes to move the sails
when the wind changes direction.
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Now for the interior of this ‘house.’
Don’t touch anything! Keep moving single file,
keep your head down, and be sure your walky-talky is turned on!

First, the main room. This is it, for all practical purposes.
Tiny, cramped and functional,
with touches of charm here and there.

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 I was told the short ‘double’ bed is also the lavatory.
Chamber pot conveniently located at the foot of the bed.
Out of sight.
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On our way out, we pass by some of the internal workings,
and get a welcome glimpse out the back window.

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One more look up from the back of the windmill —

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And a quick look at what it takes to drain the polder today.

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Stay tuned for more!

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 28 February 2017
Photo credit: DAFraser, July 2016, Kinderdijk, The Netherlands

the wellspring

wellspring-16204276

calm steady source
releasing life from within
home of all being

***

Center of my being
My true home
Place where I am most fully alive

Not found by striving
but by letting go
of fear, apprehension, ambition

Dive in! Fall in! Sink in!
Don’t calculate the distance
Or when I might re-emerge

A small death
Repeated thousands of times
Finding my life by losing it

Thoughts generated by a favorite book on the practice of prayer, Centering Prayer and Inner Awakening, by Cynthia Bourgeault. Her approach to prayer appeals to the mystic in me while keeping my feet on solid ground and connected to Christian faith and theology. Not a small feat.

Here’s to a week of centering practices that help us rest and work while seeking peace with justice. No matter what or who waits for us around the next corner.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 27 February 2017
Photo found at Dreamstime.com
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Center

Still Learning to Pray

learning-to-pray-by-talking-less

Today is a quiet day. Not because I’m sick, but because I need to take care of myself. So I’m revisiting several books on prayer. Why? Because current events in the USA tug me this way and that way. Sometimes I feel as though I’m wandering, lost in the trees. Uncertain how to pray or how that might help my focus from one day to the next.

Here’s what I’m certain of today.

  • The human confusion into which I was born multiples daily, and isn’t going away of its own accord. Ever. There are things I’d like to undo and re-do in this world and in myself. I want us to sort things out and be good neighbors. Yet I fear it isn’t going to happen, even though we’re all part of God’s good if not perfect creation, and need each other to survive.
  • Human confusion seems to have a life of its own. It feeds on itself, creating ever-more-shocking statements, behaviors, attitudes and reactions. It thrives when we’re fearful and distracted. On guard. Looking over our shoulders as we try to figure out what just happened, and miss what’s already brewing for tomorrow.
  • In my small world, confusion shows up in anguish about what I’m to do from one day to the next. I’m not utterly lost or clueless; yet I don’t feel grounded in a clear approach to what’s happening around me. I don’t have a clear goal for each day that calms my heart and helps shape my actions. I often feel uncertain and lost, especially when I start checking out tantalizing, infuriating headlines that pop up every minute of the day.

For the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about prayer. Granted, our pastor is preaching about it every Sunday, so it’s difficult not to think about it! At the same time, I wonder how I am to pray, given confusion around and within me.

I used to think once I learned to pray, I’d have it all figured out. As though it were like theology. I think about theology as dialogue with Scripture, traditional documents, other conversation partners, the newspaper and my experience as a woman. It works!

However, when I consider prayer, my major dialogue partners have been God or Scripture or what my parents or the church told me to do. The newspaper has been a secondary partner. And though I’m aware of myself as this woman (not just any woman), I haven’t figured out how that shapes my approach to prayer. Sometimes I fear there’s something wrong with me–even though I know there is not.

So I’ve decided to look into this and begin writing about it from time to time. I want to live boldly with the courage of my convictions, as this follower of Jesus Christ who is this woman living in these troubled times. Somehow, I believe my dilemma about prayer lies at the center of my anguish about who I am and how that shapes my prayers from day to day. Especially now.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 25 February 2017
Photo found at parentingupstream.com

I dwell in Possibility —

Emilio Magistretti, il Duomo, General exterior view from the east, 1921.

~~Emilio Magistretti, il Duomo, General exterior view from the east, 1921.

Do you remember They shut me up in Prose – ? Here Emily proclaims the superiority of her fairer House. That would be Poetry, of course! Here’s her poem, followed by my comments.

I dwell in Possibility –
A fairer House than Prose –
More numerous of Windows –
Superior – for Doors –

Of Chambers as the Cedars –
Impregnable of Eye –
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky –

Of Visitors – the fairest –
For Occupation – This –
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise –

c. 1862

Emily Dickinson Poems, Edited by Brenda Hillman
Shambhala Pocket Classics, Shambhala 1995

Several things catch my eye immediately.

  1. This poem isn’t directly about Possibility and Impossibility. It’s about ‘the fairer House than Prose.’ That would be Poetry.
  2. Emily’s sequence of thought moves from the concrete to nature, and on to Paradise! Nothing small or narrow in her vision of Poetry.
  3. Within this House, Emily’s internal Chambers allow total privacy—‘Impregnable of Eye.’ Perhaps unnumbered Chambers of fragrant Cedar make sure no prying Eyes (like moths) intrude to eat or destroy their contents.
  4. Above this ‘fairer House than Prose’ lies no ordinary gambrel (a type of roof), but the Sky itself. Higher than high, spacious, deep, wide, unbounded.
  5. Emily doesn’t even bother with a formal front door, lock or key. Instead, this dwelling place is already filled with light, vistas and Visitors. Who are these ‘fairest’ Visitors?
  6. It seems Emily doesn’t need to go outside to practice her Occupation. Instead, she makes a simple gesture—“spreading wide my narrow Hands To gather Paradise.”

At first, Emily’s simple gesture irritated me. As though this Occupation (writing poetry) could be like falling off a cliff into magic land. But I don’t think that’s her meaning.

Emily says her Hands (perhaps literal, certainly figurative) are narrow, and must be spread wide to catch a bit of Paradise. There’s humility and expectation in this gesture. An acknowledgment that ‘something’ is out there waiting to be gathered. And so she spreads her narrow hands wide and receives an overflow of Paradise.

Emily also acknowledges her ‘fairest’ Visitors. Maybe they’re poets, or their inspiring poetry resides on the bookshelves of her fairer House than Prose. Perhaps they’re also birds, bees, butterflies, sunsets and sunrises. All creation great and small. No matter their identity, Emily welcomes them into her fairer House than Prose.

I suggest Emily herself is the ‘House’ in which she dwells. A House that’s both narrow (limited as any of our bodily houses are), and exceptionally open to what lies beyond her limited capacity to discern with her eyes.

And so she spreads wide her narrow Hands to gather Paradise into her cryptic, hesitant, enigmatic and captivating Poetry. And we are the happy recipients–now politely, of course, visiting her Poetry.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 23 February 2017
Image found at thewinedarksea.com

evensong

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no two alike
nature’s stately rhythms
offer evensong

***

stars and clouds emerge
against warm rays of a dying day
wind currents crisscross the heavens
swaying trees and fence genuflect
nature listens alert
dry grassy ground waits,
invites me into
the presence of my Maker

 © Elouise Renich Fraser, 22 February 2017
Photo found at Weather Underground – taken in Bayshore, New York
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Rhythmic

The latest glitz

<p><em>In its final show of the season, an aspen tree's leaves turn a unique shade of orange. Soon they will fall to the ground, and come spring, the cycle will start over anew.<br /> <br /> </em>| Exclusive Limited Edition of Two Hundred and Fifty |<em><br /> </em></p>

All that glitters…
All nature singing…
All creatures great and small…

Surrounded by such majesty, I struggle to keep the eyes of my heart focused on what matters most. The latest glitz if not glamor of hot-off-the-press politics and world affairs entices me. Not just now and then, but every second of every day.

Just look! I can hardly believe my eyes!
Can you believe he/she/they just said THAT?
Isn’t anyone in charge of this circus?

There’s nothing glitzy or glamorous about what calls out to me. Yet you’d think I’d just found gold in the latest news item—so eagerly do my eyes and emotions seek every precious crumb. Keeping score. Looking for salvation where there is none. Going to the same empty well hoping to find water.

I don’t want to be distracted by every precious crumb. Who needs crumbs when we need nourishing bread, clean water and digestible guidelines for living together and dying together?

Today I’m going to take a walk—yet again. And focus the eyes of my heart and my emotions on all nature singing and on great and small creatures I may meet along the way. What might they tell me about the news today?

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 20 February 2017
Photo found at natezeman.com – quaking aspen leaves
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Glitter

fermented wine

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life flows through her veins
fermented wine of past dreams
melts my eyes

***

This week was high-jacked. Not by force, but by my desire to spend time with our adult daughter. Her visit coincided with my husband’s determination to get rid of unnumbered books from our academic collection. Most stored on shelves in our large attic.

Deep in the attic, behind multiple shelves of books, he uncovered a mother lode. All belonging to our daughter. Boxes full of school papers, reports, works of a budding artist (she’s a graphic artist as well as a musician), stuffed animals, posters, programs, correspondence, and other memorabilia I’d saved for her.

This week she sat in our relatively small den surrounded by boxes, going through each item. Laughing, sighing, reminiscing, showing and telling, sorting and sifting for keepers. Of which there were an abundance. A paper trail that told the story of her life.

Unexpectedly, the paper trail confirmed the nature and content of our daughter’s character, and the trajectory of her life as an artistic type. Her life has had its ups and downs, and it wasn’t always clear how things would turn out. Or whether our parenting of her–especially mine as her mother–had helped, hindered, or encouraged her.

Thankfully, going through this treasure trove did more than confirm her nature, giftedness, determination and joyful creativity. It also gave me assurance I didn’t know I was looking for until I found it this week. I always wondered whether my mothering helped or hurt her.

I’m an expert on what I think I did wrong as her mother. I found out, though, that what I got 100% right was so simple I didn’t even know I was doing it. I kept boxes for each of our two children. Into each box I put anything I thought they might enjoy seeing when they were older. It was that simple!

Given my personality, I erred on the side of putting in too much material instead of too little. Before dropping it in, I penciled on the back of each paper item our daughter’s name, age and a brief note about when or where the item originated.

Tears, laughter, memories, hoots and hollers of recognition — all that and more because of those old pieces of paper that capture in vivid detail our daughter’s personality, creativity, and musicality. She is a strikingly beautiful forest flower–grown up now as her own wild woman.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 17 February 2017
Photo found at Pixabay.com

Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Juicy

I was born to it…

It suited and soothed me. Gave me a safe hideout from which to survey the world into which I was born female.

Quiet laughter and cautious smiles tempered by seriousness. Tamped down into double and triple-analyzed responses. Nagging worries hooked my joy. Kept it tightly tethered. No belly laughs.

It was safer that way. Not so prone to rash reactions that escalate into silliness. The bane of serious girls and women. I wanted to be taken seriously.

Long-faced and self-righteous? Not at all. Just thoughtful, cautious, keeping myself under control, on time, disciplined and orderly, not given to excessive emotions, behavior or dress. You know, the way women must be to survive. I’m not a troublemaker.

Serious colors became me, even when they didn’t. Neutrals stitched up loosely fit well without calling attention to me or to my body. Sidelines were comfortable spaces. Don’t call attention to yourself, Elouise. Take notes and file them.

Think about things – seriously. Especially when you feel emotions welling up against your will. Don’t laugh too hard, too long or too loudly. Squelch it. Sit on it. Swallow it. The same goes for anger. And tears.

That little girl in you who just wants to play today? Remind her there isn’t time—not until we’ve finished that list of Thing To Do Today. And thought Serious Thoughts. And written Serious Words.

I applaud seriousness. Seriously, I do. Some things aren’t funny or laughable.

At the same time, I applaud Life with Laughter and Joy. The kind that wells up from within unbidden, against all Serious Expectations. The kind that snatches me unawares and carries me away.

The way you light up my life……♥

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 13 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Seriousness

Awareness of pain

Awareness of pain
Life-shaping yet elusive
Lodges deep
In bones and sinews
Erupts without warning
Bleeding over pages
Of my life
Softening my heart
Longing for tenderness
Squandered in the past
Foolishly given away
To dull my pain

***

I don’t live in this awareness every day. I wouldn’t survive if I did. I’m grateful for God’s grace every day of my life. Still, moments of grief arrive, often taking me by storm. They don’t destroy me. Instead, they soften and connect me not just to my pain, but to that of others.

I used to think these waves of emotional and spiritual pain would fade. They haven’t. In fact, the more willing I am to live with grief, the more I find myself grieving and growing.

This past week I listened to Beethoven’s Sonata 8 (“Pathetique) and found myself right where this poem is. In the middle of a teary eruption. The kind that fosters life, not death, when I’m willing to live through it.

You can listen to a brilliant performance by Daniel Barenboim here.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 11 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Aware