Telling the Truth

connecting the dots of my life

Tag: groomed to be a victim

yesterday’s ghosts

yesterday’s ghosts
stir in their graves
dismembered

They want to shame and blame me. Turn me into the problem I am not. Make it my fault. Or the fault of my overactive emotions or hormones run wild.

And the tears. If I would just stop getting all emotional about it. It’s over and done with, Sister. Get used to it. This is the way of the world. If you don’t like the heat, don’t stand so close to the fire.

I’m proud to be a thriving survivor. Like other women and men, I’ve been sexually harassed, humiliated and punished physically, verbally and emotionally. Sadly, the patterns of my childhood and youth didn’t stop when I became an adult woman — a supposedly mature, thoughtful, educated, gifted, responsible, compassionate, dependable, reliable woman, true to her word.

My recent nightmare with its scoffer’s row of men intent on intimidating me brought it all back. As did my recent review of private journal entries from my years as a seminary professor and dean. To say nothing of public figures coming forward to talk about their experiences.

Where will this lead? Is it simply the media event of the year? I pray it is not.

My father set the stage early in my life. He was the boss. I was not. He wore his medals proudly: Male, Ordained, Father, The Boss.

Instead of learning to stand on my own two feet without apology, I was subjected to formation in unquestioning submission to men (unless they were obviously ‘bad’ men), submission to my teachers, submission to my employers, submission to the governing powers, and submission to God as a disobedient, rebellious, stubborn and angry little girl.

My father also formed me in the sick opposites of these submissions. These included lack of respect for my female body, female voice, thoughts, instincts, intuitions, emotions, and my identity as God’s beloved daughter child. They also included formation in going along to get along.

  • Smiling whether I wanted to or not
  • Being polite instead of truthful
  • Not hurting other people’s feelings
  • Not embarrassing myself or others in public
  • Doing as I was told, without asking questions or grimacing

Today I’m holding out for women and men who won’t allow their ghosts to rest in peace until justice is done. Not for us, but for all the children of this world, especially those without safe allies. Otherwise, this will indeed become a passing fad–for all but the powerful few.

I’m in this  for the long haul. How about you?

Elouise

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 7 December 2017
Image found at raisingintuitivechildren.com

Birthing a Dream | Part 2 of 2

“No, I will not do that.”  Tough words, particularly when I’m not clear about what I will do.  Many times I’ve ended up making excuses or Read the rest of this entry »

The Air I Breathed | Part 1 of 3

It took more than beatings and Good Girl Rules to groom me to be a victim.  It also took small, calculated and uncalculated, direct and indirect intrusions on my body, my spirit, my mind and my emotions.  I call it the air I breathed.

Beatings have a distinct advantage over the air I breathe. Read the rest of this entry »

Rituals of Submission | Part 2 of 2

I feel awkward making observations about being beaten. I don’t remember anyone talking with me about them, commiserating with me, comforting me or asking how I felt.  After each beating I simply walked out of the room and right back into life. Read the rest of this entry »

Rituals of Submission | Part 1 of 2

I was groomed to be a victim. No one used those words, but that was the sad outcome of supposedly good intentions.

My father’s mission was to break my will. This wasn’t a secret. It was in keeping with biblical teaching as he understood it. One day he would answer to God about his efforts.  I would have to answer for mine. Read the rest of this entry »

%d bloggers like this: