Why this sudden lethargy
Unable to read today
A book that kept me awake
Yesterday riveted and alert
There is no cure it seems
For this childhood dis-ease
Struggling to be heard
Above distracting noise
That never ends beneath
The skins of white women
Caught looking back on life
Far from home and short on rest
Where did this come from? It feels like a bad dream or even a nightmare. Trapped in a situation not of my making, without survival skills, and unable to find or make my way home. Yes, it could be about Covid-19 or the state of our disunion. But it’s deeper than that.
Most of my early life was about mastering behaviors and attitudes that would insure my silence, cooperation, and ‘purity.’ The goal was put before me every day of my life. I was to be the opposite of cheeky females who dared speak and act for themselves or registered outrage at outrageous acts of neglect and violence toward themselves and others.
How many white women born in the USA look back and wonder, What was it all about? And have I yet found my way home to the voice and work I was meant to have from the beginning?
I’m not despondent. I’m angry. I don’t always know what to do with this anger of not being prepared for whatever ‘the real world’ was and still is. So I write.
And then I get on with the life I now have, for which I’m grateful.
Thanks for listening.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 January 2021
Image found at medium.com