frozen in memory
by Elouise
frozen in memory
erupting without warning
dear earth gasps for air
* * * * *
haunting
sounds of
choking
escalate
no words
no breath
no time
mother
panics
stands up
signals
father
diners watch
helpless
frozen
father waits—
for what?
sister
leaps up
arms circle
mother’s back
hands pressed
into diaphragm
breath flows–
thank you,
Sweet Jesus
***
Mother and Sister #3 (Diane) were polio survivors. Mother was learning to live with post-polio syndrome—a cruel, often unexpected development in many polio survivors. Diane was now learning to live with ALS; her early symptoms had suggested post-polio syndrome. To see a post-polio survivor ID card, click here.
For Mother, swallowing food or liquids was like walking a tightrope. Every little movement mattered. Her goal: get small portions of food or liquid into her throat without inhaling them into her windpipe. When she choked, it was like drowning.
She felt ashamed and even guilty about these unwelcome events, especially when we ate in public places or at private social gatherings. I always felt terrified, as though the end of the world had just arrived.
The episode above happened at a restaurant in spring 1996. Family members present included my parents, all four sisters, Diane’s husband and daughter, and Sister #4’s granddaughter.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 8 July 2014
Telling the Truth 
In all of this, I keep wondering what it was like to be your mother. What was it like to have a body that was prisoner to a dread disease? How did that disease alter what should be a natural balance in a marriage? Given that our bodily maladies often turn us inward on ourselves, what was it like for her to try to be a mother in the midst of it? You mentioned in an earlier post that people often ask if you have forgiven your father. I guess I’d ask how you have grieved the loss of your mother, or what one might have hoped for as a motherly experience. It feels like a void. Was it so?
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Your wonder is mine. Mother did her best to keep the focus off of her body and her inner feelings–not unusual for many polio survivors. Like many or even most polio patients, she carried residual bodily ‘markers.’ But they didn’t concern her. She wanted to be accepted and treated like anyone else. To her, that meant keeping up with whatever it meant to be the mother of four daughters–intelligent, creative, resourceful, outgoing and a people-person. So what I saw and experienced was a whirlwind of efficient activity and effort to make sure the house was clean, our clothes were cleaned, the windows cleaned, meals on the table on time, etc. Yes, we had assigned chores that helped with this, yet she made sure it all got done properly and on time. In addition, she maintained an active church life. This often included Bible classes, participation in special events, and music–piano, organ, choir, Bible classes, etc. Next to the whirlwind I have memories of her crashing–often suddenly, without warning. Totally exhausted–‘overtired’ as she said. Sometimes sleeping/napping, but other times so tired that sleep didn’t come easily. Add to that her regimen of therapies and pain-relieving remedies/activities, and there was very little time for any of us except the newest baby. On the whole, she was grateful beyond belief that she survived polio. So many did not. As for how I grieve her, thanks for your question. I’ll write about this. I just tried a short reply and it didn’t work! So stay posted…and thanks for your reflections and questions.
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I’m impressed with her focus; how strenuous it all must have been – I’m exhausted just reading the list! (Clean windows – double yikes!!) A relative of mine was a polio survivor & her faith and genuinely upbeat spirit were an encouragement to us all. However, she didn’t have four kids to shepherd. Looking forward to your next posts.
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Thanks, Meg!
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I have watched my sister with her asthma, and her attacks of breathlessness in blue, there is nothing we can do, other than hope the oxygen will help til we get her to the hospital….
I admire your mothers strength….most would just try to be invisible,
I did not know about post-polio syndromes, especially ALS,
I think you must have chosen a very special mother…
Thank you for sharing such an insight within your world….you open more eyes of the mind I am sure by doing so…
Take Care…You Matter
)0(
maryrose
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Thank you for this comment. Being without breath is such a horrifying reality–for everyone involved. My mother struggled with whether it would be better to just stay at home – invisible. But she was a most social type! Outgoing and eager to be with her daughters and other family members no matter what. How she endured so much is beyond me. Blessings to you and your sister….
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