Woman, Stand Up!
by Elouise
It’s 1988–nearly 27 years ago.
I gave this at a seminary women’s dinner during Women’s History Week.
* * *
When I was growing up, I sought the approval of men.
I thought that if I did things just right,
They wouldn’t mind so much that I was born female.
They wouldn’t treat me the way they treated other women.
So I dressed modestly—in neutral colors and neutral shapes.
Surely they would see that I wasn’t a source of temptation,
Like all those other women who flaunted their sexuality.
I laughed at their humiliating, obscene jokes about women.
Surely they would see that even though I was modest, I wasn’t uptight,
Like all those other women who didn’t know how to have any fun.
I did my homework—diligently.
Surely they would see that I wasn’t frivolous,
Like all those other women who went to college just to find husbands.
I spent hours helping them with their homework.
Surely they would appreciate, respect, and value my intelligence,
Especially since I wasn’t very pretty.
They certainly couldn’t accuse me of being dumb—
Like all those other women.
I spent even more hours listening to them, nodding in support of their ideas.
Surely they would see that even though I was intelligent,
I wasn’t trying to displace them or take over the conversation,
Like all those other women.
I smiled a lot.
Surely they would see that I wasn’t like all those other women
They kept labeling as troublemakers.
I wasn’t here to rock any boats.
When I began looking for a teaching position at a seminary,
I thought I had gotten over my need for male approval.
After all, I had already been a self-affirming,
Out-of-the-closet feminist for at least eight years.
Hadn’t I learned to live without male approval?
In September 1983, I stood up—
To teach my first class at a seminary.
Standing up felt wonderful!
I had worked hard to come to this day.
I knew I was right where God wanted me to be.
So I stood up, never expecting what would happen next.
On that very day I began to see, to my horror,
How much I desperately long for the approval of men.
And, to add to my dismay, the approval of other women.
As I stood there, I felt the beginning of a great, relentless temptation—
The temptation to sit back down.
Elouise, why don’t you just sit down and ease everyone’s discomfort—
Including your own?
Why don’t you just sit down,
And step out of the struggle to be yourself?
Why don’t you just sit down,
And reassure everyone that even though you’re a woman teaching theology,
There is nothing to fear from you!
Indeed, why not?
The temptation haunts me.
I used to be proud that I got along so well with everyone I met.
I still get along with nearly everyone I meet.
But lately I’ve begun asking myself a disturbing question:
Why do I get along so well with people?
Is it because I’m standing up,
Or because I’m sitting down?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 13 January 2015
Adapted from a devotional for a seminary women’s dinner celebrating Women’s History Week, February 1988. Theme: Woman, Stand Up! (Luke 13:10-13)
Bravo! As existential crises go, this is a good one! Frankly my dear, you shouldn’t give a damn….. in the nicest possible way, of course.
Ironically, when we don’t give a damn what other people think, they respect us more, they are more cheerful in our company. It seems to be the way to go.
Fran XXXX
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Hmm. You may well be right! In that case, I need a second life to go back and not give a d….! Oh…maybe that’s what retirement is all about. Thanks, as always.
Elouise
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When I started teaching in a school for boys from privileged families I also tried as hard as I could to seek their approval. My Grandfather was an Anglican Priest and my father a lay reader for the Presbyterian Church and I had been taught all along that I was worthy.
But I still sought the approval of horrid little boys whose fathers sold secondhand cars and ran businesses with doubtful ethics. But they were rich and I was not. And I still sought their approval. I wonder what that means even now when I write stories that I know are good and I still seek approval from strangers in cyberspace.
I think we seek approval in any area where we don’t feel totally and completely the standard bearer. But I could be wrong.
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Thanks for this thought-provoking comment. Without knowing you outside of cyberspace, I’d say that knowing one’s writing is good might be the mark of a good writer. That would be true whether you ‘like’ what you wrote or not. Or even, perhaps, whether you feel comfortable putting it out there or not. If it’s true to who you are and what you’ve experienced of life, then it is what it is. Perhaps as likely to provoke disapproval as approval. All of which raises a question for me: What is ‘good’ writing?
I totally understand the search for approval of people who seem to have something or some power we believe we’ll need someday–or wish we ourselves had! Thanks for sharing your growing-up experience.
Elouise
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In answer to your last question, maybe you get along so well with people because you are neither standing up or sitting down, but have come along side.
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Oh Meg. What a nice thought! Lovely, actually. Thank you. Upon reflection, I’d say coming alongside is a great gift I received when I was in 12-step programs. It was totally unexpected–having women and men I didn’t know come alongside and walk, weep, laugh, cry and sometimes crawl with me. I get teary thinking about it. Like being born all over again.
Elouise
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I would have to day of I may. That was a day that you gained some great wisdom . What others think can be hurtful even if they don’t say it. What matters is what God thinks. Experiences like that grow great character change. God is never wrong in what he wants us to do. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, but always life changing for the better. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Much love Tom
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Tom,
What a kind comment. I’m so glad for your affirmation. Yes, sometimes it’s uncomfortable–sort of like growing pains, I think.
Elouise
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My smart phone says what it wants to sorry for the typo.
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That’s a really smart phone you have there! I think it’s in your first sentence, but I’m not sure how to fix it. If you tell me, I will!
Elouise
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Haha no don’t worry about it Elouise. I will have to start doing my post on my lap top. It bugs me to know it changes your words on you. Teaches me to think also.
Joy to you
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Joy right back to you, Tom!
Elouise
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Wow. This strikes a chord. The dressing modestly part, I do that! Wow. God help me Elouise. So what do i do?
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I’m grateful for your comment and question, though I don’t know what you should do. Modesty is a good thing. It’s also important to ask ourselves why we (women) dress as we do. For me, it was a way of avoiding unwanted attention from men (not a bad goal). But it also came from shame about my female body. I didn’t like my body. I felt ashamed of it. In addition, I thought that if I dressed modestly, no one could accuse me of being a ‘bad’ girl. So maybe one place to start is to think about what you do and why you do it. It may not help you find answers, but for me it helped me understand and accept myself. I didn’t program myself this way. Then, when I wanted and needed to change, I had to find a safe person to talk with. I pray you’ll find your way, too.
Blessings of peace and courage!
Elouise
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Thank you Elouise, i will question my motives for dressing, even more. I shouldnt dress to please, or displease people, but to glorify God.
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That’s a great way to state it.
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