Going to Seminary | Part 15
by Elouise
I don’t remember exactly when the cracks started to show. It was sometime in 1974 and 1975, my second and third years as a student at Fuller Seminary. Little things began piling up that I thought D and I would never have to deal with.
Nothing spectacular. Just the slow drip of unmet and unexamined expectations. It was one thing to say we wanted an ‘equal-partnership marriage.’ But could we deliver the goods? Especially now that we had two growing children? Who would show us the way, or at least help us navigate our own way?
Though we had no models, we knew what we didn’t want. That was easy. What we couldn’t do was name exactly what we wanted or needed from each other. We’d never seen it before! It didn’t matter what it was about–shopping, cooking, taking our children to the doctor, showing up for parent-teacher meetings, doing the laundry or folding the clothes.
I felt trapped in a world that expected me to be and do whatever a so-called traditional married woman with children was supposed to be and do. But this is 1974! The feminist movement is off the ground and running!
Everyone had an opinion. This famously included Marabel Morgan, author of The Total Woman, a best-seller in the USA. She described exactly what she thought women should do to get what they want. I felt embarrassed when I read it.
No matter where I turned, the “proper” or “ordained” role of women, married or not, was a hot topic. Yet change seemed light years away. No one had a plan to change the everyday lives of women to first-class citizens equally protected by the law, equal partners in marriage, and welcome to full and equal leadership in church and society.
It was one thing to be an equal partner with D when we were at home, taking care of our children while we attended seminary classes. At first my classes were all in the evening. But that ended.
Now I carried a regular part-time load, with day and evening courses each term. I wanted to finish my 2-year degree program in 3 years.
As for D, he worked out a way to complete his 3-year program in 2 years by taking more than the regular load. Why? Because one of us needed a full-time job with family health insurance coverage. Even with a generous tuition discount for me, seminary was costly.
It made sense that D would seek full-time employment. He was already sought after as a relatively rare sociologist with seminary training and an interest in international missions of various kinds. Happily, he graduated in May 1975 and began a full-time position at World Vision International.
But what about the children? What about cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry? What about a zillion things that needed to be done? Overnight, most of it fell to me during the work week.
Sometimes it all fell to me. D’s new job included international travel. Housework piled up. I rarely got enough sleep. And parent-teacher meetings and school activities intruded at will.
We talked about this many times. I needed more sleep and more help around the house with regular and unexpected tasks. D needed and wanted more of me. He did what he could to help me, for which I was grateful. Nonetheless, I was often despondent and exhausted by the end of the day. I didn’t want to get up some mornings.
D became increasingly discouraged; I became increasingly defensive and angry. Wasn’t I doing all I could to keep up with everything? I felt overworked and taken for granted. It seemed my identity as D’s ‘equal partner’ was nothing but a pipe dream.
To be continued….
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 9 March 2016
Photo of bookcover from amazon.com
Honey, been there, done that. I read a book called, ‘Who Cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner’ – a feminist look at work and who pays for it. Thing is, it was all true, but I felt awful after I read it: defensive, upset, used, taken for granted, etc etc etc, while objectively nothing in my relationship with Eddie had changed at all.
I look forward to reading your next installments. ((xxx))
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Great comment about a horrid experience! Thanks, Fran. I’m so glad you’re staying tuned! 🙂
Elouise
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There has never been an easy way forward to sharing responsibilities, tho I do see it more often these days. What I’m struck with most is the isolation both of you must have felt. It makes me wonder (including for the present) where the local church was, or those who were more established in the seminary community. (Tho perhaps both at that time held the view that you – Elouise – should be taking care of these things.) Where were the more well-to-do in the community who could have said – here’s $X as my investment in a young family – get child care or housekeeping assistance for a block of time each week. In other words, where were God’s people?
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Meg, Thanks for your thoughtful comment. I agree–I see this more often these days, though not as much as I’d like to see. Isolation? Yes. We had a number of very good friends, single as well as married with children. But because this thinking about marriage was new and often intimidating, it was still a hotly debated issue–especially when the rubber hit the road at home!
The two churches we attended were very large and not well-organized for seminary or professional couples such as we were becoming. Nor did we have time to invest in much besides Sunday church services. As it happened, because of our paper about the role of women, we were frequently asked to speak about this to small groups, often church-related. So we learned as we went along. The seminary itself applauded women as equal partners–but others, including board members, weren’t publicly supportive.
Your point about young couples needing huge support (still!) for breaking stereotypes that require risk-taking courage from everyone is well taken.
Thanks again, Meg.
Elouise
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My wife and I are going through a challenging period. Taking care of my children, church, a job and staying married is very hard work. It is harder on my wife who takes care of them most of the time. We both feel under-rested, over worked, tired all of the time and deeply grateful for amazing kids. It’s good knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Jean-Luc, Thank you for this comment. I identify with every sentence you wrote! And I empathize with your wife as well as with you. I’m praying that the two of you and your children get to that light at the end of the tunnel. The work load is unbelievable. Then suddenly you wake up missing those early years, even though you could never do it again.
Elouise
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