A Blank Canvas | Part 1
by Elouise
Ever since the middle of June I’ve worked on a dream that still haunts me. I’ve dialogued with it on paper and in my mind almost every day. It feels like a turning point.
Here’s the dream, as recorded in mid-June.
I’m on a square raft-like piece of something in the Yangtze River. I’m alone. I can’t see anyone around who might help me. I’m afraid I’ll capsize in this water and drown. There’s a long pier, but I’m drifting farther and farther away from it. I’m lying on my stomach, with no room to move and no way to paddle or guide this ‘raft.’ I think I’m going to drown – or be eaten alive if I fall off the raft.
I don’t have any idea how I got here. I just woke up and here I was. Floating on this small square bit of what? I don’t even know. I decide the only thing I can do is lie still and let the raft hold me up. It seems I’m utterly alone and on my own—drifting farther away from the pier every minute.
Suddenly the scene changes – sort of. Same huge river, and still on a raft. But this time the ‘raft’ is flexible – if I move (I’m still on my stomach), it bends precariously so that I almost fall into the river. The pier is nowhere in sight. I’m scrambling just to stay afloat as the corners of the raft give way and bend into the water. The only way to stay out of the water is to lie perfectly still. Can I do this?
I’m utterly alone – feeling like I’m fighting for my life. No one else is anywhere in sight, and the shore is far off. The water is ominously dark and still. I don’t see any color anywhere. It feels deserted. Like the end of everything.
First associations–
- My health and our upcoming Viking cruise. I’m lying face down on a tiny raft in the middle of a huge river, without a paddle or help of any kind. Alone. Old and worn out. Scared. Small and weak. Defeated. Anxious about making it through the cruise.
Several days later, more associations—
- The Genesis account of creation. The earth was without form and void; darkness covered the face of the deep. No light, no stars, no colors of trees, birds or flowers. And God said….
- The Gospel account of Jesus walking on water. Maybe this dream is about leaving the raft and not being fearful.
The next day—
- I want to turn this scene of desolation on its head. Make it a scene of creation or re-creation.
- I see connections with Emily Dickinson’s poem about faith as a pierless bridge.
Three days later—
- Getting to the shore is no guarantee of safety or guidance.
- The raft is a gift, a sign that I’ve not been abandoned. Still, I can stay here, or leave it behind.
- The dream begs for color, movement, signs of life.
- Am I being invited to speak something into existence?
To be continued….
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 20 August 2016
Image of the Yangtze River (Three Gorges) found at wickipedia.org
“Fear Factor” – that is the name of Diane’s sermon this morning – coincidence? I think not! We’ll both have to see what the Lord has given her for you, me, and all of us…Thank you, as always, for reminding me/us of our common fragility, fears, hope..
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It was great to see you this morning, Debbie. Thanks for this note and for your faithful encouragement.
Elouise
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Wow, this gives me the shivers. And, I feel, at a deeper level, that it is about deciding how to take control. Taking risks to try, even in the face of overwhelming fear.
I also fear deep bodies of water, yet at a different level, it feels like the immutable will of God, unalterable, and absolute. Is that a comfort? It might be, if we decide to abandon the raft and dive into the water, swim like a dolphin or float like a whale….. I feel as if this is a dream to be continued, too. All the best! 😀
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Hi, Fran. Thanks for your comments about the dream. I agree: this seems to be about “deciding how to take control.” I also had a big smile and laugh when I read your possible dolphin or whale options! I liked them! 🙂 Still thinking about the dream….
Elouise
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Perhaps it’s about letting go of things we have no control over and just trusting in our faith and life that we will drift where we are meant to be, fear is a powerful teacher I find and to just be a part of where you are, with floating farther away from where you find comfort, you will get there, just trust in yourself and you will stay above 🙂 ❤
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Hi, Kim. Thanks so much for these comments. I love your outlook on drifting, floating, and somehow ‘getting there.’ The dream seems to be inviting something like this….still pondering! 🙂
Elouise
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That’s an interesting dream.
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Yes…still working on it, wondering how to write the ending/beginning. The one that will make sense of it–as in ‘what happens next?’
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An image I use for strength and hope comes from a memory of building a raft as a youngster lying down with the sun gently warming my whole body while I float on the small lake where I learned to swim. I was all alone except for God who was the source of the light and warmth. Bless you Elouise.
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David, What a wonderful memory! Thanks so much for sharing it.
Elouise
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Not sure if it applies, but the swimmer in me (and I’m not too fond of open water, scary!) has a love hate relationship with being on my back or stomach in the water. Being on my back is vulnerable, trusting, using clues from above to know where I am in relation to the edges. Being on my stomach allows me to see, but I cannot breathe and must expend more energy to do so. Also, sometimes I don’t want to see what is in the water with me. The depths of the water leave a lot of room for my over-active imagination to really scare me.
Not sure if this relates to the raft, although that raft sounds more dangerous than helpful!
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Thanks for your comments, David. You’re right about the raft. I can’t imagine trying to turn over on it. Swimming on my stomach doesn’t freak me out. Swimming on my back always makes me wonder whether I’m still headed in the right direction. Like you, I find the affect of various body positions fascinating and sometimes just plain scary. Something to take seriously when it crops up.
Elouise
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