On being married to D
by Elouise
I like to think I have no illusions about myself. Nonetheless, this past week proved otherwise. It was all about cleanliness in the kitchen D and I share every day.
I’m an expert from way back when it comes to cleanliness. After all, I was Mother’s Big Helper, her #1 Daughter trained to know and do everything the right way.
Not only do I know how to do cleanliness, I can tell you horror stories about what will happen if you ignore my gentle ‘reminders.’ I can also show you exactly how to do tasks in a way that maximizes efficiency and cleanliness.
So this past week D failed to live up to my standards, and I failed as well. With flying colors.
In the still-hot aftermath, I hit my journal, trying to vent and turn a corner in what felt like anguish and despair. I found myself wondering, not for the first time, why I married this man more than 51 years ago.
The venting wasn’t productive. So I began thinking about the kind of man I married and the kind of woman I am. And perhaps, just why some things are so difficult for us.
D was raised by his mother. She and his father divorced when D was about 3 ½ years old. His father lived far away and wasn’t present in D’s everyday life. The relationship between his parents was never easy or without anger. At home with a single mom and three children, the kitchen was clean; it was not, however, a classroom for doing things the right way.
I grew up with parents who not only stayed together, but never once had open conflict about anything. Furthermore, though I had a father present in the house, the house was my mother’s domain. She was responsible for keeping it clean, neat and orderly. He was not.
The kitchen, in particular, was a hub of activity with four daughters to feed and train as good housekeepers. The emphasis wasn’t on cooking; it was on cleanliness and doing things the right way.
Despite being a polio survivor with significant health issues, my mother was an expert housekeeper. She made sure her #1 Daughter was trained as expertly as possible.
Why? Because she didn’t want me to grow up as she did, without anyone to show her how to be a mother, much less a housekeeper. When my mother was 8, my grandmother left with another man and filed for divorce.
My mother routinely redid my work in her kitchen. I wasn’t as efficient or neat as she thought I should be. No matter what I did, it seemed something was not quite right. I felt frustrated and humiliated.
As I got older, I felt angry. So when I became a wife and mother, I made sure to soften my mother’s approach. Yet I still came along after D, insisting that my way was the better way. Especially in the kitchen.
Just realizing this softened my heart and got me ready for yet another difficult conversation with D. Not about my mother, but about the two of us and how to manage differences that trigger conflict between us.
It’s never easy. Yet going back to my childhood helped unlock some unfinished business that still spills over into our marriage.
Today I’m grateful I can make choices based on our happiness instead of my mother or my father’s expectations. Or my own.
Thanks for listening!
Elouise ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 24 June 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Illusion
I could not resist responding to this one since I have known both of you for a gizillion years. We all have stuff that grates on the other. However, I have found that one has to have insight as to why we react and not respond (and you do) and then the ways to recalibrate and get back to what is really important, the foundation of your marriage that is so deep and durable (for which I deeply admire both of you). I often say to Kris when we sweat over the small stuff “We are too old for this crap, life is too short!” The key for me is not to use this ancient stuff as a test of the other’s love or a sign that they do not care. And also as you said, you live your own script and not that of the parents.
Thanks for your honest and reflective blog.
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Hi, Cedric! I’m glad you couldn’t resist commenting! Thanks for the great comment about the little stuff in marriage. And for your friendship to both of us from way back during our seminary student days! I’m grateful for your words of encouragement and affirmation. So is D! 🙂
Elouise
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Hmmmm, I recognise so much here. And as a novice with a mere 20 years of commitment, I do acknowledge your courage and experience.
Interesting how some things will trigger explosive rage, and unhappiness, isn’t it. Part of us knows – oh, how we know! – that this is stupid and not how we want to be at all, and the other part does it anyway, what the hell.
If only we could, we would take a body swerve when we saw that clash coming, but somehow, our feet refuse to move….
But none of our anger reactions is actually caused by the current flashpoint, which must give us cause for hope. We know this, because our reactions in exactly the same circumstances will vary, depending on the weather, our mood, or any number of other variables….
And we often crash and burn when (a) we are tired, (b) we cannot accept a situation or (c) when we are making real progress, resistance comes along. So I kind of take it as a good sign. In any case, love is a constant which does not wane, so hopefully, we can get back to laughing soon.
Loads of hugs
Fran (((XXXX)))
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Great comments, Fran! I agree with all of them–especially your comments in the last paragraph. Always, always, always, there’s a reason for the outburst. In my case, it’s often kickback, though it can also reflect my health or how hungry I am.
With kickback, the old comfortable me demands I go back to the good old days. Not only do I like my comfortable habits and beliefs (though they make me miserable), others like them, too (though they make them miserable as well). Besides, I like knowing I’m right and you’re wrong. It’s soothing to ‘know’ I’m right–or at least not very far off the mark! 🙂
It’s a relief to get back to laughter and smiles! 🙂
Love and hugs back to you
Elouise
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Thank you so much! 😀
In my good moods, I don’t care a bean about who’s right, but when I’m moody, it seems to be all that matters! 🙂 Maybe I could just take that – that need to be right – as a sign that trouble is coming….
xxxxxxxxx
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Many times I think I should have stayed single, there are times I think I’m the re-incarnation of Mr Bennet, I do sympathize with that poor chap 😥
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Oh dear….sounds like a depressing thought! Not the staying single part, but the Mr Bennet part. The staying single part has its downside, too. No granddaughters….:(
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Depressing it may well be, but the truth of it I shall not deny. Perhaps I shall tell all later.
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I’ll be listening….whether you tell all or not. 🙂
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As my favorite song quote of all time “breathe in, breathe out, move on” says perfectly….keeps me in check most of the time…most being a key word of course. I hate when I feel the way you wrote about here and I think everyone and their significant others often feel it too….I always felt it was disrespectful if it wasn’t done the way you know I want it done….and then I get knocked off my high horse by my brain and feel bad, whispering within that yep, it’s my way regardless 🙂 nothings ever perfect nor will be….I just have to keep remembering and telling myself that. Please, don’t look at my kitchen….sigh….it’s clean but not spotless….too much work with 2 dogs, a cat and a man. ha! Peace and love, K
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I’m with you…”Please, don’t look at my kitchen…!” Your favorite song quote says it all. One day at a time, one choice at a time, “breathe in, breathe out, move on.” If only it were so simple….right? 🙂
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As Fran said, oh how familiar this sounds! My hubby and I are probably the opposite of you and D in terms of housekeeping–let’s just say neither of us would win any housekeeping awards! But within that, we still each have our flashpoints: I was raised by a rather germophobic mother and have certainly internalized that to what I knows is a sometimes annoying degree. (I’m a germophobe, but also pretty messy, and there are almost always dishes left in the sink–does that seem like a contradiction to you?)
I also like to reuse and recycle things and my husband gets very tired of the rewashed plastic bags hanging about on various counter surfaces! As you say, much depends on one’s mood, which in turn depends on how hungry, tired, or sleepy one is!
Thanks for the reminder that all of us go through these little conflicts and your wise counsel to look beyond the particulars to their source.
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We have all been there as wives … my issue is when I clean I don’t like it when someone comes along to make toast, or use the loo, or sit on the couch and muss up the throws! … hmm there is a blog for me her methinks!
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[…] 89. Illusion – Kerrstee 90. Night Owl Poetry – As Night Falls ~ #TheDailyPost #illusion 91. Telling the Truth – On being married to D 92. Exploring the World around us – Illusion 93. Making it write – Chocolate 94. […]
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My wife is married to “D” too! So much here that rings familiar in my ears but we have been married for 36 years and counting so I think we will make it. Sounds like you have a similar experience. I enjoyed your perspective. I find examining the differences in my wife’s background helpful (she was adopted and raised as an only child) and mine (raised by a single mom after my dad’s death as the oldest of 4 toddler children). Seems like God has a sense of humor in who He brings together. Thanks for sharing!
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Hi, Dan! Pleased to meet you, and thanks for your most kind comment and for sharing a bit of your own background.
Yes, God does have a sense of humor for sure–and a somewhat mysterious plan (from our perspectives) for the matchmaking as well! People talk about matches ‘made in heaven.’ I’m sure they mean the happy ones. In my experience, limited as it is, it means we often get the person who, from time to time, will drive us bonkers crazy! Not because of who they are, but because of who we are–thanks to forces beyond our control yet now strangely ours to address. Yes, God must have a sense of humor to endure all our shenanigans on the way from there to here!
I’m sure you realize what an honor it is to be named ‘D’!
Elouise 🙂
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I don’t blame you for losing track of me but I was your (less than stellar) student at EBTS from 1984-87 and was President of the student government for one year. But I am happy to be “D” or my email name “bigbaldpastor”!
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I have to admit I wondered when I saw your name! We were both total newbies back then…. Thanks for your most kind response, Dan. And I’m still pleased to meet you all over again! 😊
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