My story from the inside out
by Elouise
I grew up in a church that wanted to know exactly when and where you were converted, and from what. The deeper the degradation, the more your story was valued. Unfortunately, I had no dramatic story. Sometimes I wondered whether I was a ‘real’ Christian.
In November 2013 I wrote the following brief piece to read at a church meeting. I read it this morning and teared up. A timely reminder of how God works in my life.
I don’t remember when I received Jesus into my life. I do, however, remember times when I was lost, and God came looking for me. One of these was a huge turning point in my life.
I was in my 40s. Outwardly I seemed to be following Jesus; inside, I was lost.
- I was filled with shame and terrified that any day I would be exposed as a fraud, an imposter.
- I was plagued by chronic anxiety about events at home and at work.
- I was harshly judgmental toward myself and toward others.
- I felt my life was out of control, yet I kept trying to make it work.
In my mid-40s, I learned about family matters over which I had no control. Secrets I’d been carrying inside me for years began to eat away at my gut. I fell into deep depression. At home I sat for hours doing nothing but staring out the window, or weeping uncontrollably. At night I frequently asked God to just take me while I was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I wanted to die.
I had always survived by being a good girl on the outside, and hiding what was on the inside. This took great effort. I had also become addicted to running my own life and thinking I could run everyone else’s too! But it wasn’t working; my body, my emotions and my spirit were in turmoil.
I believe God was trying to get my attention. And there was a price: I would have to come out of hiding and ask for help. I was terrified. What would people think of me? Fortunately, I was also desperate.
So I began attending a 12-step program to deal with some of my family matters. At my first meeting no one frowned, judged me, or expected me to perform. They weren’t shocked when I told them why I was there. They just welcomed me, smiled, listened, encouraged me, and said to keep coming back.
So I did. Slowly, I began to relax, join the rest of the human race, and trust that God was in this process.
Today I’m still a recovering human being and a grateful follower of Jesus Christ. Sometimes I still struggle with shame and anxiety, and try to control my life or change other people. I don’t, however, suffer from deep depression or pray that God will take me while I’m sleeping. I remind myself daily that I am God’s beloved daughter child, and that this is more than enough to bring God delight. When the time comes for my final home-going, my only hope will be to appear before God then as I do now: just as I am without one plea.
If you’re feeling lost or despondent today, God may be trying to get your attention.
Elouise ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 July 2017
great post E, and I’m glad you keep waking up each morning and sharing your world with us. Many of us feel this way at various points in our life….I think it’s the darkness trying to keep us down, but the light always finds a way through if we’re receptive to it. Dark here today but light of spirit as our tropical depression (such a sad word) has been upgraded to what? you may ask, ha, well Tropical storm Emily 🙂 I thought of you as soon as the news dude said it and I knew it was going to be an eye opening, heart expanding, relaxing and loving peace filled day 🙂 peace and blessings and yay you for writing this ❤ you are a gift my friend ❤
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Oh no! Not Emily?!!! Sigh. Well….maybe she’s going to stir things up a bit! 😊 Thanks for the comment about the post. Much appreciated 💜
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she’s going to dump 6 inches plus of rain, already doing a bang up job with that, at least we’re not in a flood area….yet 🙂
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Good…sometimes I wonder how Floridians can take so many drenchings and so much wind. Maybe Emily will have pity and show mercy.
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I love how much God loves us that sometimes we need to suffer to see how much we need Him. This very much rang true for me as well. Great post.
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Thank you, Crista! Yes indeed. I think suffering also has the possibility of connecting us with others. At least I find that’s true for me. A blessing out or what seems a curse?
Elouise
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I believe it is a blessing, too. The connection piece you mentioned is key. Our stories can help so many people and their stories can help us. It’s a curse I think if we let it define who we are and where we are going. Then we are just stuck.
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What is feeling lost and despondent like?
I doubt those words have ever entered my mind let alone my feelings.
Do you think it might help if I gave up my atheism, became a christian, and enjoyed the pleasures of such feelings? 😈
Seriously though Elouise, I can’t help thinking that the situation that you refer to smacks of a certain amount of self pity, and attention seeking.
The old chin, up backs to the wall, approach has served me well these past 80 plus years, methinks! 😀 🐻
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The chin up, back to the wall approach is all too familiar. It broke down big time. It’s sad to me that you can’t relate to those of us who’ve felt lost and despondent. I grew up needing healthy, kind attention just like everyone else. I also grew up not knowing how to give or get it from myself, much less others. I’m grateful for strangers who saw more in me than a weak or naughty child. They showed me what it means to be human and how to accept and ask for help.💐
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I had quite a lonely upbringing, even though I had an elder brother, we were never really close. My mother saw to that; I was singled out to be molded in her image.
I do think she failed miserably. At least I like to think so
I was not permitted to cry or show any emotion. A clip on the ear made sure of that.
As a consequence I grew up relying on nobody but myself.
During my whole time at school I only ever had two ‘chums’ and my mother was even able to break that up.
I must admit that I’m not a very sympathetic person and show very little emotion, except where my 2 granddaughters and my dog are concerned.
The War Office has always told me I’m a hard man. I suppose in a way I am. however I am very emotional when I’m safely alone and theres nothing I enjoy more than a good cry with a good book.
My mother would be annoyed 😀 😈
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Thanks for this response, Brian. A good cry all alone with a good book. I can relate. Bravo for letting the tears flow, and for breaking the up-tight no-sympathy rules when it comes to your two lovely granddaughters and your super dog! Yes, your mother just might be annoyed. Or at least distressed. 😦 🙂
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I’ve been giving more thought to the “sad & despondent’ Despondent, somewhere from the word despair, I suppose.
I have never despaired I have always had, and never have, given up hope, (Pandora’s boy me) even under the most trying conditions. The complete optimist, I cannot see the point in being any other way.
Just between you, me and the gatepost I also enjoy reaching for the tissues, when I watch animal shows on TV .
and now I must get ready, I’m off in an hour or so to see the heart specialist then god himself ad he’ll tell me if I have bowel cancer or not. 😀
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Hi, Brian. By the time you get this, you’ll have already gotten your latest health update. Sounds like a heavy-duty couple of visits.
Animal shows on TV. Yes, indeed. One of my favorite things to do–not just the documentaries, but series that focus on veterinarians working with large and small animals. Can’t get enough of them or the tissues!
Thanks for this follow-up. I agree. You are (or seem to be) the complete optimist. I laughed when I read that sentence, because I can’t see the point in being any other way than the pragmatic optimist who listens to the pessimist side as well. 🙂
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I’ll be updating my visit to god & Prof Kilian, later today,
Have to take the WO to the RPA, she has to go in for some ‘minor’ day treatment at noon.
I got the report that I was expecting.
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Dealing with that “stinkin’ Thinkin’… One day at a time. God grant us the serenity…
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Serenity and peace and joy….😎
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Thank you for these words.
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You’re welcome 😊
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A lot like my story.
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Thanks for commenting, Paol.
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I can certainly relate to that first paragraph and wondering whether I was a “real” Christian. Fortunately a youth minister in college pointed me to the works of C.S. Lewis, whose books showed me a Christianity that I could actually relate to. Without that, I might eventually have given up on religion.
And I can certainly relate to intermittent feelings of being lost and despondent! Though I haven’t always been good about dealing with them or viewing them through the lens of God and prayer.
Thanks for your words, Elouise! It’s always so good to know we’re not alone!
Hugs,
Nancy
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Thanks, Nancy!
C.S. Lewis was a wonderful writer and imaginative believer/thinker. Sadly, he wasn’t on my reading list when I was growing up, and wasn’t considered a truly ‘Christian’ author when I was in college. I think his Chronicles of Narnia would have made a difference for me when I was younger. He has a wonderful way of seeing reality in multiple interlocking dimensions.
Hugs back to you!
Elouise 🙂
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I know what you might have gone through and I wish more people would seek help rather than hiding from it. Years of struggle just melts away when you start seeking help from the right sources.
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Thanks for your comment. I agree–seeking help early and often isn’t a habit that comes naturally to all of us. Especially help from the right sources! Thanks so much for your follow.
Elouise
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