a great restlessness
by Elouise
Sometimes
a great restlessness
comes over me
I long for home –
for release from pain and sorrow
weighing heavy
even in the midst of grand beauty
and people I love
I can’t go back –
The distance grows greater every day
and I can’t start over –
Not while I’m held in this time
You have given me
I’m just not sure why it matters
to have me hanging around –
Please enlighten.
I wrote these words at the end of the day, over a week ago. It’s difficult to describe how it feels to have life almost completely turned on its head within the short space of a moment or two.
The last two years have forced me to become brutally honest about what I can and cannot do each day. I swing haphazardly between elation (I finally figured out how to pull this off!), to weary despair (Is this the agenda for the rest of my life?).
At first, two years ago now, it was all a frightfully strange yet challenging adventure. Today I want less strangeness and more adventure. The kind that fits me today, not the woman I was yesterday.
As for ‘normal,’ it’s out the window! I don’t even know what it is anymore. The prayer above is the truth about me today. Open, expectant, actively looking and listening for a way to fit all pieces of this restless puzzle together: poetry, a small group of other poets, close to home and life-giving. Something that fits hand-in-glove with the writing I’m already doing and the woman I am today.
Elouise♥
©Elouise Renich Fraser, 1 November 2017
Photo of Sunset in the Black Forest, found at pixabay
Daily Prompt: Mystery
Elouise, this is beautiful and very relatable. Sending you good vibes ❤️ trust yourself.
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Thank you for this encouraging comment. 💜
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Dear Elouise,
I’m sure I speak for many of your readers and friends when I say it matters a great deal to us that you are still “hanging around.” Thank you for your honesty and willingness to face the difficulties of life. Wishing you positive adventures and more moments of grand beauty.
Love and virtual hugs,
Nancy
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Thank you, dear Nancy! And you’re also welcome. 💜
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I long for home –
Does ‘home’ here mean death?
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Yes….a rather common way to refer to dying, especially here where we now live.
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How sad
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Dylan Thomas says it well.
Do not go gentle into that Good Night.
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Loved this…Thanks, John!
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I often wonder why we always try to make “things fit”, there is a beauty in randomness and I never knew what normal was to begin with, perhaps an idea we have, but seeing things with eyes that wake each day, good and bad days or just meh, I like to hope we find acceptance in being open to new albeit “different” things…..makes life interesting, eh? Just my thoughts, I’d send you a hug, lots of love and smiles to make your day just a bit brighter, and because I like you lots too ❤
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Hmm. Your comment made me think. My sense of things fitting has to do with who I am, not who I want to be or who someone else wants me to be. So I want things that fit me properly, one-of-a-kind. And never quite the same from one day to the next. Outgrowing clothes means getting to find or patch together new ones! Not so I’ll be predictable, but so I can be me! Which includes going about it my way, not someone else’s way. I like you lots, too! And agree that life is interesting when it’s a bit mixed up and unpredictable. Though at this age I’m prepared to set some limits on the unpredictable part! 🙂
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I know what you mean, I spent my life being someone for someone else, wife,daughter, etc….now I am doing and being what feels right to me….it always feels strange, like trying clothes on, too tight, too loose, etc…but when you find a few pieces that make you feel like a rockstar, I look back and think….didn’t see this coming, but darn it feels good….those days are the best. I think when I turned fifty in July, I did a lot of self help reading, and introspection….some things made sense and I wondered, where was this books years ago? Perhaps I wasn’t ready, but ultimately I find being loving and giving is where I fit best in this world, and it’s always returned in unexpected and abundant measure….kind of like my world here on WP💜💕🙏🏻🕉☮😊💫🌸
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Yes! I totally agree, especially about the turning 50 moment….except now I seem to be having one I didn’t expect….and have had to reorder life not according to my heart ❤️ but according to all these unexpected twists in the plot….with my spirit restless for a larger something. The kind of moment you describe—suited to me now. Something like that. Not without WP, but alongside—like your painting, for example? As for you yourself, there will Never be another You! You are clearly in your element, and I’m grateful every day that you found me out here in this humongous Sea of WP! 💜💕🎶🦋😊
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