Yesterday evening – a prayer of lament
Most evenings I take time to jot down how I’m feeling. Sometimes I’m so weary I can scarcely keep my eyes open.
But yesterday evening was different. I’d spent time that evening going through old files from years of teaching and being a graduate student. Part of me was laughing and enjoying seeing some of the cheeky things I’d written in my younger years. The other part of me kicked in near the end—a little voice that wouldn’t let me go.
So when I sat down in the late evening with my journal, this is what I wrote to God—a prayer of lament, I think.
Oh God, I feel so empty tonight—so out of touch with the woman I am today. It seems my best work and my most memorable efforts are all in the past. Filed away in boxes of paper crammed with words—so many that I scarcely recognize myself back then.
Where did they all go? — Those words, ideas, images, insights, sparkling clear roadmaps to my past life and thinking and feeling.
They seem much more alive and important than anything I might manage to eke out today or tomorrow. Such high hopes and noble ambitions. And now this?
Please look kindly on my confusion through the eyes of Your merciful providence, and give me gratitude.
Then I went to bed and promptly fell asleep. A bit sobered, yet grateful for memories of so many good women and good men. And for the privilege of having touched their lives, and been touched by theirs.
I’m not the woman I thought I was when I arrived at the seminary to study or to teach. Or even when I began this blog.
Today I’m working on a piece for later this week. It’s about one of the most difficult subjects I’ve had to deal with personally and institutionally, as a member of various churches and as professor and dean at the seminary. Sexuality.
Thanks for reading and listening. And for helping grow me into the woman I am today.
©Elouise Renich Fraser, 21 March 2018
Photo found at pixabay.com
Thank you for sharing your inner journey with us. You are a pioneer for those of us following.
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Letting go has many more levels and challenges than I anticipated. Thanks for your kind comment, Dan.