Just as I am
by Elouise
My unquiet mind
Spins out of control
Restless and uneasy
Unvoiced conversations
Saturate space yearning
For calm silence
When did it begin?
When will it end?
An old habit from childhood,
I explain myself to myself
As though minus these many words
I would not exist or be believed
Or convince myself or others
Of my worthiness
Like comfortable old clothes
I pull them close
Trying to assure myself
That I am worthy
Just as I am
The older I get, the more likely it is that ‘just as I am’ can’t possibly be good enough. Too much water down the river and over the dam. Too many roads not taken. Too many opportunities turned down because I was too busy, or afraid. And too many mistakes and unhappy chapters already written into my life.
I want to believe that the older I become, the less I need to prove my worth as a human being. I want to say without hesitation, “It doesn’t matter what you (or I) think about my life.”
I also want to accept the daily invitation to be who I am today in the eyes of my Creator. Not who I wish I were. And not who I might have been in the eyes of my father, my worst boss, or any other human being who has tried to make me into their image of me.
Surely the Judge of all the earth will do right. Not just by me, but by each of us.
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 18 April 2021
Photo found at medium.com
Telling the Truth 
Hi Elouise,
Thank you for continuing to share your honest self with us. I hope you are doing well
I wonder if you would like this prayer I posted a couple of years back – I thought of it as I read this post. https://becomingflame.com/2018/03/06/imaginative-god-a-prayer/
Following on from another comment on another post – I’ve been listening to Moments Musicale on Pandora since you suggested it. Did you play all six pieces? I think I’ll give one or two of them a try. Thanks for the suggestion.
Grace and peace to you…
dw
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You’re welcome, dw. It’s good to hear from you–especially the part about playing the piano. Even without listening, I’m pretty sure I haven’t played all six pieces. I still say Go for it!
As for your prayer, I’ll check it out. I’m doing fairly well these days, though I have to admit to weariness, given our ongoing discontent (in the USA), recent deaths (not Covid related) of two friends from way back, and ongoing health issues.
Elouise
Thanks for
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How long ago did we start blogging? You’ve changed, got older and bolder and angrier and more understanding and more lovable. And I know you are stronger than I am.
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Hi, John. Your comment made me chuckle! Would you believe it’s been nearly 8 years since I started blogging? You were already well into blogging. I don’t know about strong or stronger. I do, however, know we’re both persistent! 🙂
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❤ and (((HUGS)))
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Love and hugs right back to you, Carolyn! 🙂
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Love this, somedays I have good conversation with myself, some days not so good but mostly I speak the Word to myself and that helps keep me grounded. Aging during this pandemic has been one of those times lots of time is available. That has taken some getting use to and at times made me a little anxious. I want to be busy, active, like I use to be. What I have had to contend with is being ok with where I am now and knowing this will not get better because I cannot redo life. Aging brings the desire that I wish I had another life to life for Christ. But God in His grace reminds me to not dwell on what I wish for but be grateful for what I have had. The life He gave me I gave back to Him often so there are no regrets really. This was a great post, Thank you Elouise.
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You’re welcome, Betty. What a great comment. I never guessed that getting older would require so much heart work! Your line about being grateful for what you’ve already had in life is wonderful. I also identify with your desire to be busy and active, the way you used to be. Even so, from time to time I also relish the opportunity to rest and listen to the birds!
Elouise
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He accepts us and that’s foreign to us, His lavish love. We miss the mark and often expect more out of others as well. But He is perfect, and so is His love.
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Thank you, KS, for this comment. Your opening statement is so true! We’re wired for unacceptability (or so it seems). Which means ‘Just as I am’ doesn’t sound very lovable. Whether that’s us or those around us.
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Elouise, I’m dealing with the exact same thing when I think about talking to my parents about my trans children. I find myself caring that they will blame me for my children being trans. I’m afraid that saying I don’t care what they think will mean I don’t care about them. I’m afraid that’s what they will think. But, if I’m going to be all in on my love and acceptance for my children, I have to be able to distinguish between caring for my parents but not caring what they think. Whew! It’s hard. ~Natalie
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Indeed! I believe there comes a time when we must honor ourselves and our adult children more than we honor our adult parents. Your children’s decisions may not make sense to their grandparents, and they may well blame you for their choices. You know this isn’t the truth. Still, it won’t be easy to have this conversation. Do your children know you’re thinking about this? If they’re now adults, you might consider working with them on how this might happen.
When I had my own adult conversation with my parents about the way I was treated as a child and teenager, I worked with my psychotherapist. Every detail (when, where, who would be present, and exactly what I would say) was up to me. You might work with a trusted person (counsellor) to help you visualize what you want in such a meeting, including who would be there and why. Also: clarity about who is in charge of the meeting, where people will sit, who will talk (or not), when this will happen, etc.
As for caring about what your parents think, it’s probably inevitable (that you will). But it isn’t the major reason for the meeting, and you aren’t responsible for what they say or feel. I didn’t have the issue you have. Nonetheless, my own reason for meeting with my parents was just as important. This is for you as a parent, and for your adult children. Would you want them to be there? Just another question to ponder…. Plus this: Do your children know you’re thinking about this meeting?
Feel free to email me anytime. I can’t stress enough how important this will be for you (and David) and your children. You’re a wise and brave woman! Go for it!
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Funny, I just met with my therapist about this. Thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s helpful.
We decided I was under no obligation to talk to my parents about something so personal to my children. They have actually cut off their relationship with their grandparents. This is very sad, but it tells me how my children feel. I’m trying to stay connected with my parents and be all in for my kids. It feels like a tightrope walk, but I know if push came to shove, I’d opt for my children every time.
At this point, I need to hold the boundary on a time limit for my phone calls, which can last over two hours! Amazing since we don’t talk religion, politics, or my children, but my Mom is reluctant to get off the phone and always thinks of one more thing to tell me! LOL
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