winter then and now
by Elouise
Looking back just 1 1/2 years ago, I never would have guessed I would be so housebound, or that this would become my new normal.
Days dwindle down quickly, especially in winter. First light turns into fading light. The list of things I can reasonably accomplish grows shorter by the day. However, the amount of time I think I need to get through each day grows larger. For example: food prep and cooking, exercises, walking, doing my laundry, and endless weeding out of papers and other items I no longer need.
Still, I’m more as ease with my aging body than I was just one month ago. Today it’s way too cold to walk with D in the afternoon. Besides, there’s no way I can keep up with him. Our attic (remember the renovations?) has been my home away from home on most days. It’s quiet, with windows at each end, and plenty of space to get moving, or go through my exercises.
I cry more than I did a year ago. I’ve always been a weeper. However, it hasn’t been easy to weep at will when I feel pain or am discouraged. Yet if I don’t, it won’t help me accept present realities. In addition, though I’m content to post only as I’m able, I’m not thrilled with the constraints I now have.
Here’s an early haiku and poem about ‘frozen grief’. It seems I’m still learning to deal with this. Not just grief from my childhood, but the grief I’ve experienced at the hands, mouths and attitudes of people who wanted to change or take advantage of me.
winter sun
6 February 2014
winter sun pierces
my paralyzed heart waking
frozen grief at will
***
Buried deep, forgotten
Denied, minimized, ignored
Silenced, unexamined
Held at bay
‘It wasn’t that bad’
‘Others had it worse’
Ashamed of my own story
Just another privileged woman
Who doesn’t get it
Afraid to shine a light
On darkness that seems
To have overpowered me
You mean you’re this old and
You still haven’t gotten over it
Beyond it, done already?
Normal
We want normal
How much longer will this take?
Winter sun does its work
In the fullness of God’s time
Not one moment sooner
Thanks for stopping by today. Or tomorrow…
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 19 December 2022
Photo found at pinterest.com
Attic photos taken by DFraser and me in 2018
Inspiring, as usual Eloise. Know that your blog is reaching across the Coast and touching my heart. Sending warmth your way.
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Thank you heaps, Janet! We’re having a cold spell right now, so I’m wrapping your lovely words around me.
Elouise
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Understood.
Understanding.
Love.
Prayers.
(((HUGS)))
❤️🙏❄️🙏❤️
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Yes indeed. Thank you for your prayers, and for your understanding. I pray this week will bring you joy and comfort in buckets.
With lots of hugs,
Elouise
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🙂
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Winter sun does its work
In the fullness of God’s time
Not one moment sooner
Amen. God’s timing, my trust; lead to completion, wholeness…
Thank you, Elouise.
Christmas and beyond, blessings surprising and hoped for, for you, D, and your precious family.
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Thank you, Debbie. I miss being at church in person (of course!). However, I’m also grateful to be present in spirit as I sit with David in front of the TV to watch the services each Sunday. Confession: The biggest challenge is to keep our comments to ourselves, and our ears open! 🙂 I loved hearing the Found Wandering Christmas concert this past Sunday.
Praying you’ll find rest, and courage to say Yes and/or No as needed! 🙂
Elouise
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Such sweetness in the midst of your sorrow, makes me feel like weeping too. Oh, sister, if we could hold back time until we had everything understood… But maybe that’s the point. If we knew everything, what would be the value of faith?
Lots of love and hugs, and a Merry Christmas to you and all the family. (((xxxx)))
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Thank you, Fran, for your wise words. I find myself up one day, down the next. Sometimes I wonder whether I know myself at all. Your comment about the value of faith is timely. Blessings to you, dear sister, plus hugs and love.
Elouise
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Thank you so much! 😀 😀 xxx
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