What does it mean to be free?

by Elouise

I used to think leaving home would set me free
No more eyes watching my every move
No more beatings meant to break my resistance
No more unwelcome talks about how I needed to change
No more books or surreptitious hints about
how to be a good Christian daughter or woman

All I had to do was stay ‘pure,’ get married, and leave home–
preferably far from my parents and their attempts
to make me into the woman I could never be

Early in our marriage I went back to school. First seminary, and later university.  Before university, I traveled to Germany for five months of intensive German language study. I came home fluent. Even my dreams were auf Deutsch. Through all this, my husband, my children, and my piano held me together no matter where I was.

Sadly, this didn’t include staying connected to my sisters. A ‘small’ thing I thought didn’t matter.

Today, after Ruth’s recent death from congestive heart failure, plus Diane’s earlier death from ALS, I have one sister left on this earth. She’s my youngest sister, the one I scarcely knew when I married and left home. Thankfully, our lives crossed after I began teaching at the seminary in the 1980’s.

I used to think connections with my parents came first, though they were often painful. Today I know better. My relationship with each sister shaped me far more than my parents did, despite their efforts to turn me into a good girl/woman.

Diane and I found each other first, thanks to her willingness to talk with me about our childhood struggles with our parents. My youngest sister and I connected following the sudden death of her husband about ten years ago. I wish I could say that Sister #2 and I found each other before her death this past June. We talked on the phone from time to time and emailed each other about health issues. But we never felt fully at ease with each other.

Still, we were reaching out as adults. This went against everything our father tried to program in us. No talking or giggling with each other when the lights went out. No complaining to each other about family business. No secrets kept from our parents. Ever.

Instead, we were to smile, obey Daddy’s Rules for Good Girls, and show up every Sunday at church. Furthermore, if we had things to say to each other, we were to keep our parents in the “know” even after we’d married and moved far away from them and each other.

Thanks for listening, and for stopping by today.
Elouise♥

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 15 August 2023
Photo found at medium.com