Where and Who am I?
by Elouise
This morning I looked out our kitchen window just as a beautiful adult Flicker landed on one of our birdbaths. Stunning. Sure of himself. And most of all, grateful for a drink of water.
I sometimes wonder these days why I’m still alive. Not because I wish I were dead, but because it seems there’s nothing left for me in this life. Which, of course, I know is a Great Big Lie.
Weather. Politics. War. Famine. Floods. Typhoons. Hurricanes. Fires. Merciless Killings. Fear.
All of it, or even some of it by itself is More Than Enough. The value of one soul seems to have plunged to the bottom of the heap. And I wonder every day, Why am I still here?
No, I’m not sitting here doing nothing. There are people and programs needing all the help they can get. Still, fatigue comes on quickly. Especially with the hot summer we’ve had. But more than that is going on in me.
Today, if all goes well, I’ll enjoy a walk with D in our neighborhood. If all goes extremely well, I’ll see some birds I recognize, or have a short conversation with a neighbor also out for a walk.
Isn’t this enough? I don’t know. I wonder sometimes how, where and when we’re supposed to learn to be old people. Especially old people at home. By the time we take care of our aging bodies, or finish the bare necessities (laundry, cooking, a teeny tiny bit of cleaning), what have we accomplished?
One thing is clear: I love blogging. I don’t love all the changes WordPress has made. Still, while I have my little corner, I’m happy to be part of the human race with all its agony and ecstasy. Especially now.
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I wonder, what gets you through a tough day or a hard night?
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 16 September 2023
Photo taken by DAFraser, February 2015; Flicker in our holly tree enjoying free lunch
Telling the Truth 
AND WE ENJOY YOUR WRITING ELOUISE. THANK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN.
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What a kind comment! I’m grateful for your visits….and pray all is going as well as possible for you.
Elouise
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Dear Elouise,
When I think of what some other people accomplish, I can feel pretty sub-par. When I think of what some other people don’t accomplish, but could, I am perplexed. When I look back on a day when I have seen a Flicker, a fox, an indescribably beautiful sunrise or set, been with precious people for a little or long while, sat quietly outside or in, immersed in a good book – I feel FULL, and GRATEFUL, and in spite of whatever else is true (and there is a LOT that is pretty hideous out there, and close by), this day has been, for me, a good deposit in the Debbie Bank of Memories….
Even if a day is not full to overflowing in these ways, it is rare that any day is devoid of a critter, a cloud formation, a small child, a turn of phrase: something that catches my attention and asks, “Did you notice? Don’t miss it!” The fact is that I will never quite have finished, will always wonder if I have, indeed, done “enough” (according to me).
I am trying to learn/remember to entrust all my unfinished work to the One who makes it all count, in ways I may or may not even have considered or desired. As I do, I continue to keep an eye out for those Flickers, their tiny cousins, the Downies, and, as I used to do in the little kitchen above the Library at 6 Lancaster (now, often, from my car), I lift my eyes above the traffic to take in the spectacular show the Creator of the universe puts on at the end and beginning of each new day…and remember where “enough, more than enough” comes from.
Thank you for your reflections, which always take me deeper, Elouise. You and your writing are part of that “more than enough” provision of the Lord…
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You’re so welcome, Debbie. I have many memories of working with you…from the ground floor, up! Our lives have taken many strange turns, though each turn also included unexpected gifts. Some I would rather not think about, but overall I’m grateful for the life I was able to live at the seminary. These days I miss the chance to see you every Sunday (except on the TV feed) and pray you’re finding your way during this transitional time at the church.
Elouise
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Thank you for always sharing your heart, Elouise. So many of us can relate to what you share. We are having similar thoughts and emotions. You help us feel less confused, frustrated, and less alone. ❤️
You are still here because you have purpose…for many reasons…just one, is because of your help and wisdom to us here on WP. And, another…I know I cherish and appreciate your prayers.
Keep taking one day at a time…seeing the little joys, remembering the precious memories, lifting others up in prayer.
What gets me through…prayers I pray, prayers others pray for me, family, friends, music, writing, little Cooper, nature, and so many other things. When the nights (or even the days) feel dark, I rely on one or more of those things to help me hang on.
(((HUGS))) ❤️
PS…I put up a post last week…I shared three joyful things. I hope if you read them, they bring you a bit of joy. 🙂 BTW, my parents were told I wouldn’t live past a year…and yet EONS later, I am still here. 🙂
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Just reading this made me all teary. Thank you for your friendship and your prayers, plus your amazingly witty ways of holding your head high! 🙂 I love your list of things you count on when darkness tries to take over. Yes…I’ll read your post from last week. I think your last comment about how long you survived on this planet is wonderful! Definitely worth a big laugh. Feeling alone is such a ‘lonely’ (!) thing. I’m surprised at how often I’m feeling that way–especially since I’m not an extrovert by any measure! 🙂 Please know that I’ve been praying for you and will continue to do so. Blessings of peace and hilarity to you, Cooper, and your family!
Elouise
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Thank you, Elouise! I pray for blessings of peace and hilarity for you, too! 🙂 ❤️
I remember when a friend went in to have an MRI. (She battled several different kinds of cancer in her life.) She said while she was laying there, she started singing, aloud, the “old” hymns of her childhood. When the test was complete, the technician said, “Lady, I’ve never had anyone do THAT before.” We laughed. But she knew the singing and the words would calm her. 🙂 ❤️
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Dear Elouise I don’t know why WordPress make things difficult by changing all the time but I don’t get notifications from you. Anyway I just need to tell you that however old you get you will always be younger than me and one of my special bloggy friends.
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I’m horrified (that you no longer get notifications from me), and very happy to know that I will always be younger than you and all the rest (which I’m too embarrassed to include in this response)! Now…one reason for not getting notifications might be that I’m posting less often than I used to. It’s all about getting older and maybe wiser. I’m not sure. In any event, I’m so grateful for your presence from the beginning of my blogging days. And I’m beyond sad that I’ll not be able to visit Australia in the foreseeable future. Take care of yourself; you’re one of a kind.
Elouise
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I guess I’m still on the younger side of old—younger enough that I still don’t think of myself as old just yet—but my body has not begun to betray me, either. Your posts tell me to be open to that reality and to prepare, or, at least to make a stab at preparing, for its eventuality. And I am grateful. So perhaps that’s your work.
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Hi, Judy! Thanks so much for your comment. Yes, this getting ‘old’ bit comes in fits and starts. Often (for me) without advance notice. Ugh!!! I appreciate your comment at the end about ‘my work.’ I’m going to turn 80 next month and can hardly believe it….though my body keeps reminding me that I’d better believe it! 🙂
Elouise
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I just turned 76, so I’m close behind you. But so far, doing well physically. Better than my 72 year old husband. My biggest challenge is getting up off the floor after I sit down to play with the puppy. That’s certainly a blessing, but it does mean, too, that the reality hasn’t sunk in far.
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You are on my mind and in my prayers.
(((HUGS))) ❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you, dear Carolyn. Things have been a bit hectic in the last few weeks. I’m so grateful for your notes and your prayers. I never knew growing old would be so fraught with unknowns.
Elouise
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❤️❤️❤️
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