Telling the Truth

connecting the dots of my life

purple carpets

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purple carpet waves
soft lavender on cold ground
golden eyes twinkle

***

I’m just back from a morning walk through my neighborhood. Birdsong filling the air, lazy sounds on near-deserted streets, sun bright, cool air breezy, and several lovely carpets of crocus.

My eyes filled with tears, and I recalled one of my favorite college choir choral pieces. It seems fitting for this time of year and this time in world history. The words come from Isaiah’s vision of arid ground blossoming and flourishing in every possible way. Spoken not when things were going well, but when they were going downhill at breakneck speed.

I’m heartened by these words. Encouraged not to give up, but to keep my eyes and my heart focused on what matters most. And, like Isaiah, willing and able to stand before God and speak truth to corrupt power. Isaiah’s vision comes as a stark contrast to the corruption he spoke against and lived with day and night. It’s a promise to each of us who’s willing to listen, live through and with the hard times, do what we can and must, and keep our eyes on God’s larger picture. God has not forgotten us or rainbows.

Isaiah 35:1 (New International Version)

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
    the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
    it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy….

Praying you’ll have an encouraging, revitalizing Sabbath rest.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 25 February 2017
Photo found at mvg222.blogspot.com; taken at Longwood Gardens, Pennsylvania
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Arid

I dwell in Possibility —

Emilio Magistretti, il Duomo, General exterior view from the east, 1921.

~~Emilio Magistretti, il Duomo, General exterior view from the east, 1921.

Do you remember They shut me up in Prose – ? Here Emily proclaims the superiority of her fairer House. That would be Poetry, of course! Here’s her poem, followed by my comments.

I dwell in Possibility –
A fairer House than Prose –
More numerous of Windows –
Superior – for Doors –

Of Chambers as the Cedars –
Impregnable of Eye –
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky –

Of Visitors – the fairest –
For Occupation – This –
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise –

c. 1862

Emily Dickinson Poems, Edited by Brenda Hillman
Shambhala Pocket Classics, Shambhala 1995

Several things catch my eye immediately.

  1. This poem isn’t directly about Possibility and Impossibility. It’s about ‘the fairer House than Prose.’ That would be Poetry.
  2. Emily’s sequence of thought moves from the concrete to nature, and on to Paradise! Nothing small or narrow in her vision of Poetry.
  3. Within this House, Emily’s internal Chambers allow total privacy—‘Impregnable of Eye.’ Perhaps unnumbered Chambers of fragrant Cedar make sure no prying Eyes (like moths) intrude to eat or destroy their contents.
  4. Above this ‘fairer House than Prose’ lies no ordinary gambrel (a type of roof), but the Sky itself. Higher than high, spacious, deep, wide, unbounded.
  5. Emily doesn’t even bother with a formal front door, lock or key. Instead, this dwelling place is already filled with light, vistas and Visitors. Who are these ‘fairest’ Visitors?
  6. It seems Emily doesn’t need to go outside to practice her Occupation. Instead, she makes a simple gesture—“spreading wide my narrow Hands To gather Paradise.”

At first, Emily’s simple gesture irritated me. As though this Occupation (writing poetry) could be like falling off a cliff into magic land. But I don’t think that’s her meaning.

Emily says her Hands (perhaps literal, certainly figurative) are narrow, and must be spread wide to catch a bit of Paradise. There’s humility and expectation in this gesture. An acknowledgment that ‘something’ is out there waiting to be gathered. And so she spreads her narrow hands wide and receives an overflow of Paradise.

Emily also acknowledges her ‘fairest’ Visitors. Maybe they’re poets, or their inspiring poetry resides on the bookshelves of her fairer House than Prose. Perhaps they’re also birds, bees, butterflies, sunsets and sunrises. All creation great and small. No matter their identity, Emily welcomes them into her fairer House than Prose.

I suggest Emily herself is the ‘House’ in which she dwells. A House that’s both narrow (limited as any of our bodily houses are), and exceptionally open to what lies beyond her limited capacity to discern with her eyes.

And so she spreads wide her narrow Hands to gather Paradise into her cryptic, hesitant, enigmatic and captivating Poetry. And we are the happy recipients–now politely, of course, visiting her Poetry.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 23 February 2017
Image found at thewinedarksea.com

evensong

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no two alike
nature’s stately rhythms
offer evensong

***

stars and clouds emerge
against warm rays of a dying day
wind currents crisscross the heavens
swaying trees and fence genuflect
nature listens alert
dry grassy ground waits,
invites me into
the presence of my Maker

 © Elouise Renich Fraser, 22 February 2017
Photo found at Weather Underground – taken in Bayshore, New York
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Rhythmic

The latest glitz

<p><em>In its final show of the season, an aspen tree's leaves turn a unique shade of orange. Soon they will fall to the ground, and come spring, the cycle will start over anew.<br /> <br /> </em>| Exclusive Limited Edition of Two Hundred and Fifty |<em><br /> </em></p>

All that glitters…
All nature singing…
All creatures great and small…

Surrounded by such majesty, I struggle to keep the eyes of my heart focused on what matters most. The latest glitz if not glamor of hot-off-the-press politics and world affairs entices me. Not just now and then, but every second of every day.

Just look! I can hardly believe my eyes!
Can you believe he/she/they just said THAT?
Isn’t anyone in charge of this circus?

There’s nothing glitzy or glamorous about what calls out to me. Yet you’d think I’d just found gold in the latest news item—so eagerly do my eyes and emotions seek every precious crumb. Keeping score. Looking for salvation where there is none. Going to the same empty well hoping to find water.

I don’t want to be distracted by every precious crumb. Who needs crumbs when we need nourishing bread, clean water and digestible guidelines for living together and dying together?

Today I’m going to take a walk—yet again. And focus the eyes of my heart and my emotions on all nature singing and on great and small creatures I may meet along the way. What might they tell me about the news today?

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 20 February 2017
Photo found at natezeman.com – quaking aspen leaves
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Glitter

A personal letter

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~~Mom Elouise and Daughter, 1974, Altadena, California on a Sunday morning

Dear Blogging Friends,

I tried to put together a post for Sunday morning. Alas, it went nowhere except in circles! So I’m trying something totally different this week. A personal letter about personal stuff.

Today was our adult daughter’s last full day visiting us. Tomorrow she flies back to the West Coast. I’m teary, lethargic, achy, sad, and already lonely.

I’m also feeling the certainty of death these days. Nothing in particular. Just the awareness that every time I see our daughter it might be for the last time. So what do I want to say to her before she leaves?

I lay awake a bit last night thinking about this. Whatever I say, I don’t want to pretend I’m taking life for granted. As though neither of us is going to die just yet. I also don’t want to say simply, “I love you.” Even though I will and I do!

Here’s what I want her to know.

  • I want you to know how honored I am to be your mother, and how much I admire you as a woman. You’re a fighter. A brook-no-nonsense human being. An artist in every way, especially as a musician.
  • You’re an intelligent, gifted woman who knows how to engage others, and when to disengage. An astute political observer. A woman who knows how and when to get help. A survivor of trials and tribulations. A wise observer of human nature and of yourself. A faithful ally and friend.
  • I’m grateful you’re in my life. You’re a touchstone. Sensible and funny. Kind and clear. And you’re my daughter! I still don’t understand how you became the woman you are today. I do know it was “through many dangers, toils and snares….”
  • I gave you to God decades ago, knowing I would never have the answers to all the challenges you would meet. Instead, I pray for you regularly, that God’s grace that has kept you so far will lead you home. No matter whether you go first or I do.

One more thing. I feel old age coming on. Not like a flood, but with slow certainty, accompanied by a number of health issues that challenge me. I don’t want to give up. I want to be fully alive, and alert enough to enjoy my family and friends as long as I can.

Not so many years ago I was afraid to let my heart show to my family members. I was afraid to let them know how much I’ll miss them if they die before I die. Better to stay cool and calm than show my feelings. That way maybe the pain of loss won’t be so great. But that’s another topic.

Thanks for reading and listening with your hearts.
Elouise

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 18 February 2017
Photo credit: DAFraser, 1974, Altadena, California

fermented wine

pxby-white-flower-spring

life flows through her veins
fermented wine of past dreams
melts my eyes

***

This week was high-jacked. Not by force, but by my desire to spend time with our adult daughter. Her visit coincided with my husband’s determination to get rid of unnumbered books from our academic collection. Most stored on shelves in our large attic.

Deep in the attic, behind multiple shelves of books, he uncovered a mother lode. All belonging to our daughter. Boxes full of school papers, reports, works of a budding artist (she’s a graphic artist as well as a musician), stuffed animals, posters, programs, correspondence, and other memorabilia I’d saved for her.

This week she sat in our relatively small den surrounded by boxes, going through each item. Laughing, sighing, reminiscing, showing and telling, sorting and sifting for keepers. Of which there were an abundance. A paper trail that told the story of her life.

Unexpectedly, the paper trail confirmed the nature and content of our daughter’s character, and the trajectory of her life as an artistic type. Her life has had its ups and downs, and it wasn’t always clear how things would turn out. Or whether our parenting of her–especially mine as her mother–had helped, hindered, or encouraged her.

Thankfully, going through this treasure trove did more than confirm her nature, giftedness, determination and joyful creativity. It also gave me assurance I didn’t know I was looking for until I found it this week. I always wondered whether my mothering helped or hurt her.

I’m an expert on what I think I did wrong as her mother. I found out, though, that what I got 100% right was so simple I didn’t even know I was doing it. I kept boxes for each of our two children. Into each box I put anything I thought they might enjoy seeing when they were older. It was that simple!

Given my personality, I erred on the side of putting in too much material instead of too little. Before dropping it in, I penciled on the back of each paper item our daughter’s name, age and a brief note about when or where the item originated.

Tears, laughter, memories, hoots and hollers of recognition — all that and more because of those old pieces of paper that capture in vivid detail our daughter’s personality, creativity, and musicality. She is a strikingly beautiful forest flower–grown up now as her own wild woman.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 17 February 2017
Photo found at Pixabay.com

Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Juicy

Great Expectations Greeting Card

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When our son and daughter were growing up, I salted away every decent piece of artwork they produced in any moment of their young lives. For future enjoyment, of course!

So last night our very adult daughter, here for the week, pulled the above magnificent work of art from a box. It was the front of a greeting card, probably dating back to 1st or 2nd grade. Huge, bright and cheery — as you can see for yourself.

When she opened it, she discovered the following message inside.

Dear Mother,

On this, your special day, please forgive me for the times I forget to say, “I love you.”

Love,

Only we’re not there yet. Daughter didn’t write this card. All she did was print her name at the end, and put together the cheery flower on the front of the card.

Daughter’s teacher, most likely a mother herself, had kindly printed this message in clear grade-school letters. Then she thoughtfully mimeographed (Xeroxed for those who don’t remember) the text on a full sheet of paper. One for each child in the class. With space at the bottom for each child to print his or her name. And paste this contrite plea on the inside page of the card. Brilliant!

I laughed until my belly ached. This beats all. Nothing like forgiveness in advance, and a special Mother’s Day card designed to serve in perpetuity any day at any time, just when needed. Most convenient.

Think about it. It’s like absolution in advance for every time you __________ (fill in your own blank)!

Just for today, this is my favorite Mother’s Day/Valentine’s Day/Thanksgiving Day/Christmas/Birthday card for this year and forever.

Hoping you have a happy Valentine’s Day, full of heartwarming moments and memories.

Elouise

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 14 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Expectation

I was born to it…

It suited and soothed me. Gave me a safe hideout from which to survey the world into which I was born female.

Quiet laughter and cautious smiles tempered by seriousness. Tamped down into double and triple-analyzed responses. Nagging worries hooked my joy. Kept it tightly tethered. No belly laughs.

It was safer that way. Not so prone to rash reactions that escalate into silliness. The bane of serious girls and women. I wanted to be taken seriously.

Long-faced and self-righteous? Not at all. Just thoughtful, cautious, keeping myself under control, on time, disciplined and orderly, not given to excessive emotions, behavior or dress. You know, the way women must be to survive. I’m not a troublemaker.

Serious colors became me, even when they didn’t. Neutrals stitched up loosely fit well without calling attention to me or to my body. Sidelines were comfortable spaces. Don’t call attention to yourself, Elouise. Take notes and file them.

Think about things – seriously. Especially when you feel emotions welling up against your will. Don’t laugh too hard, too long or too loudly. Squelch it. Sit on it. Swallow it. The same goes for anger. And tears.

That little girl in you who just wants to play today? Remind her there isn’t time—not until we’ve finished that list of Thing To Do Today. And thought Serious Thoughts. And written Serious Words.

I applaud seriousness. Seriously, I do. Some things aren’t funny or laughable.

At the same time, I applaud Life with Laughter and Joy. The kind that wells up from within unbidden, against all Serious Expectations. The kind that snatches me unawares and carries me away.

The way you light up my life……♥

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 13 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Seriousness

“Gloriously wasteful, . . .”

Valentine’s Week starts today, and our daughter arrives this evening for a visit from Oregon! What better way to begin than with this lovely sonnet and my personal take on it. Thank you George MacDonald, and Happy Valentine’s Week from my heart to each of yours!
Elouise

Elouise's avatarTelling the Truth

Do you fall in love with gorgeous sunsets and starry skies? Here’s a sonnet from George MacDonald that talks about this and more. I’ll comment at the end.

View original post 566 more words

Awareness of pain

Awareness of pain
Life-shaping yet elusive
Lodges deep
In bones and sinews
Erupts without warning
Bleeding over pages
Of my life
Softening my heart
Longing for tenderness
Squandered in the past
Foolishly given away
To dull my pain

***

I don’t live in this awareness every day. I wouldn’t survive if I did. I’m grateful for God’s grace every day of my life. Still, moments of grief arrive, often taking me by storm. They don’t destroy me. Instead, they soften and connect me not just to my pain, but to that of others.

I used to think these waves of emotional and spiritual pain would fade. They haven’t. In fact, the more willing I am to live with grief, the more I find myself grieving and growing.

This past week I listened to Beethoven’s Sonata 8 (“Pathetique) and found myself right where this poem is. In the middle of a teary eruption. The kind that fosters life, not death, when I’m willing to live through it.

You can listen to a brilliant performance by Daniel Barenboim here.

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 11 February 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Aware