Telling the Truth

connecting the dots of my life

Tag: Daughters

Dear Mother,

Skyline Memorial Gardens, Portland, Oregon

~~~~~Skyline Memorial Gardens, Portland, Oregon

I’m drifting

Tumbling through air

I reach for support

Search for you

But you elude me

Lost in sorrow and regret.

Are you lonely

without your Girls?

What can I offer

you now?

I’m not sure.

Maybe this will do

I want to write to you

Now and then

To tell you what’s happening

What I’m thinking about

What I’d like to ask you

Or say to you today

I don’t have a plan

I’m looking for

your heart so

mine can

rest.

Elouise

***

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 2 December 2014
Photo Credit: DAFraser, September 2014

Female Bodies and Sex Ed | Part 3 of 3

It’s 1960.  I’m 16 years old and I just graduated from high school.  I thought you’d like to see how I filled in the gaps between Daddy’s Sex Ed 101 and my graduation.

My Sex Ed 102 Learning Resources with Annotations by Me
*My parents’ everyday relationship with each other.  Mother seems to have no voice and no vote. Read the rest of this entry »

Female Bodies and Sex Ed | Part 2 of 3

It’s 1954.  We just finished breakfast, and are sitting around the dinner table.  Sister #4 is about one year old.  Mother is holding her at one end of the table.  Daddy is sitting at the ‘head’ of the table.  Sisters #2 and #3 and I are present.  We don’t know it, but Sex Ed 101 for Daughters is about to begin.   Read the rest of this entry »

Female Bodies and Sex Ed | Part 1 of 3

Am I ready?  Never.  But I want to begin somewhere.  So here goes.

Jesus, Mary and all other daughters of Eve
Female bodies were not celebrated in my family.  Too bad.  When I was a child and young teenager my female body was regularly ignored, observed, commented upon, shamed, ridiculed, Read the rest of this entry »

Shall We Dance?

Short answer:   No.   Nothing you say or do will change this family rule.  The other answer always freaked me out and embarrassed me.  No, because bodily contact between women and men when they dance and are not married to each other mimics sexual intercourse.  The first step down the path of moral destruction. Read the rest of this entry »

baptismal waters

baptismal waters
rise gently enfolding her
world-weary body

* * * * *

I’m standing in a windowless, high-ceiling concrete room
with a concrete floor, drainage holes and air vents.
A deep whirlpool tub stands in the middle
filled with warm steamy water.
The room faintly resembles a large sauna minus the wood.
Functional, not beautiful.

Mother is in hospice care after suffering a stroke weeks ago
and then developing pneumonia in the hospital.
Her ability to communicate with words is almost nonexistent.
Today she’s going to be given a bath.
I’m told she loves this, and that
Sister #4 and I are welcome to witness the event.

For the past hour caregivers have been preparing her–
removing her bedclothes, easing her onto huge soft towels,
rolling and shifting her inch by inch onto a padded bath trolley,
doing all they can to minimize pain and honor her body.
Finally, they slowly roll the trolley down the hall.

The hospice sauna room echoes with the sound of
feet, soft voices, and running water.
It takes a team to carry out this comforting
though strange and even unnerving ritual.
Mother is safely secured to the padded bath table and
then lowered slowly into the water.
Her eyes are wide open.

For a few moments she fixes her eyes on mine.
The table  descends bit by bit.
How does she feel?
What is she thinking?
At  first her eyes seem anxious.
Is she afraid?
The warm waters rise around her and the table stops descending.
Her face relaxes and she closes her eyes.

The team works gently, thoroughly, not in haste.
They focus on her, talk to her and handle her body with reverence.
My eyes brim with tears.
This woman who bathed me, my three sisters
and most of her grandbabies is being given a bath
by what appears to be a team of angels in celestial garments.

They finish their work and roll Mother back to her room.
Her bed has clean sheets.
Fresh bedclothes have been laid out.
Caregivers anoint her body with oil and lotion, turn her gently,
and comment on how clear and beautiful her skin is.
They finish clothing her, adjust the pillows to cradle her body,
pull up light covers and leave her to fall asleep.

* * *

Last Sunday I witnessed the immersion baptism of seven young people at my home church.  I couldn’t help recalling this tender, even sacramental immersion just days before Mother’s death, and decided to share it with you.

Haiku written 3 June 2014
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 3 June 2014

What’s in a Name?

Daddy, Mother, Elouise.  Until I started blogging, I was interested  mainly in the meaning of my name.  Now that I’m blogging I’m getting questions about the way I use other ‘names’: Daddy, my father, and Mother.  I’m also thinking again about my name.  Does it matter? Read the rest of this entry »

spring’s torrential rains

spring’s torrential rains
reshape the inner landscape
of my old-soul heart

 Where am I?
What’s going on?
I feel lost on my own home ground
or is it found? Read the rest of this entry »

The Air I Breathed | Part 3 of 3

Of all the things I listed in my initial observations about Part 1, one troubles me most–my inability to blame Daddy.  I’m used to blaming myself, or at least wondering whether I’m to blame for things that happen to or around me.  This seems to be one of my favorite default modes.  However, given the nature of the air I breathed back then, I’m surprised at my internal response: Read the rest of this entry »

The Air I Breathed | Part 2 of 3

For years I knew Daddy’s beatings and rules didn’t give the full story about how I was groomed to be a victim.  Yet I’ve never spoken publicly about the full story.  I didn’t have a clue how to talk about it safely.  Besides, who would believe my report?  Especially if they knew my father. Read the rest of this entry »