Telling the Truth

connecting the dots of my life

Tag: Who am I?

July 31, 2017

My story from the inside out

I grew up in a church that wanted to know exactly when and where you were converted, and from what. The deeper the degradation, the more your story was valued. Unfortunately, I had no dramatic story. Sometimes I wondered whether I was a ‘real’ Christian.

In November 2013 I wrote the following brief piece to read at a church meeting. I read it this morning and teared up. A timely reminder of how God works in my life.

I don’t remember when I received Jesus into my life. I do, however, remember times when I was lost, and God came looking for me. One of these was a huge turning point in my life.

I was in my 40s. Outwardly I seemed to be following Jesus; inside, I was lost.

  • I was filled with shame and terrified that any day I would be exposed as a fraud, an imposter.
  • I was plagued by chronic anxiety about events at home and at work.
  • I was harshly judgmental toward myself and toward others.
  • I felt my life was out of control, yet I kept trying to make it work.

In my mid-40s, I learned about family matters over which I had no control. Secrets I’d been carrying inside me for years began to eat away at my gut. I fell into deep depression. At home I sat for hours doing nothing but staring out the window, or weeping uncontrollably. At night I frequently asked God to just take me while I was sleeping. I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I wanted to die.

I had always survived by being a good girl on the outside, and hiding what was on the inside. This took great effort. I had also become addicted to running my own life and thinking I could run everyone else’s too! But it wasn’t working; my body, my emotions and my spirit were in turmoil.

I believe God was trying to get my attention. And there was a price: I would have to come out of hiding and ask for help. I was terrified. What would people think of me? Fortunately, I was also desperate.

So I began attending a 12-step program to deal with some of my family matters. At my first meeting no one frowned, judged me, or expected me to perform. They weren’t shocked when I told them why I was there. They just welcomed me, smiled, listened, encouraged me, and said to keep coming back.

So I did. Slowly, I began to relax, join the rest of the human race, and trust that God was in this process.

Today I’m still a recovering human being and a grateful follower of Jesus Christ. Sometimes I still struggle with shame and anxiety, and try to control my life or change other people. I don’t, however, suffer from deep depression or pray that God will take me while I’m sleeping. I remind myself daily that I am God’s beloved daughter child, and that this is more than enough to bring God delight. When the time comes for my final home-going, my only hope will be to appear before God then as I do now: just as I am without one plea.

If you’re feeling lost or despondent today, God may be trying to get your attention.

Elouise ♥

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 July 2017

24 Comments
January 2, 2017

Interior space

Interior space
Unsettled body
Dreams bizarre
Young men
Novices
Uncertain
What to do next
I don’t know
Who to trust
Flying this plane
Murky fog
Lingers
Gives cover
The solace
Of not knowing
Slow drip
Of rain drizzles
Hazy unclear
What comes next
Is this the end
Or am I
Being born
Yet again?

No way I could capture this dream in prose. The sad overflow of a toss-and-turn night? No apologies. Glad to be awake and alive.

Maybe a weather front ambushed me. Or too much happiness yesterday. Whatever. The up-and-downness of recovery took a little dip. Trying to find my balance.

In my bizarre dream the little plane lurched out of the clouds without warning and landed on a beach in Florida. Sunny sky, gorgeous water rolling in, crowds of ice and snow refugees arriving, basking in the sun in the middle of winter. All a bit surreal.

Happy New Year, Day 2!

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 2 January 2017
Response to WordPress Daily Prompt: Interior

6 Comments
April 29, 2016

How am I feeling? | Dear Readers

winnie-the-pooh-quote-2

Dear Readers,
As you may know, one week ago I fell and fractured my left jaw. I was on my way to get a haircut. I’ve been at a loss for words. Last night I wrote this before going to bed. It’s my answer to the question everyone asks me–and that I ask myself. Read the rest of this entry »

22 Comments
December 1, 2015

Going to Seminary | Part 3

 

70's Elouise

Fuller Seminary Student ID Photo, Fall 1973

It’s fall term, 1973. I look calm and reasonably mature. Inside, I’m a boiling cauldron of fear and anxiety.

I don’t belong here!
I’m too old.
I’m the mother of two young children.
Don’t ask me why I decided to come to seminary.
I don’t have an answer.

I feel apologetic about taking up anyone’s time. Read the rest of this entry »

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November 18, 2015

Going to Seminary | Part 1

FTS, PaytonHall_Day_0021

The Garth — meeting place, lunch plaza, outdoor office, place to hang out. The Library gleams at the far end. Not much has changed in The Garth since 1973.

It’s late spring 1973. I’ll turn 30 this year. After 8 years of marriage and nearly 5 years of motherhood, including 4 years as a Faculty Wife, I don’t know who I am!

How do I know this? Because I have to send a personal essay with my application, and I don’t know how to answer all the questions.

Other people don’t have a problem knowing who I am:

  • D’s wife, Faculty Wife, part-time instructor of music and piano
  • Hostess, mother of cute son and cute daughter
  • Intelligent, laundress, caretaker, seamstress, cook, gardener, house cleaner and dish washer.
  • Also graduate of the Bible College, Diane’s sister, and preacher’s kid.

Even if I figure out who I am, I still have to write an essay about MY goals, including MY vision for MY life beyond seminary!

My goals are simple: Get through one day at a time without too much drama, heartache, disappointment or quarreling. Did I write this in my essay? No.

My vision for my life beyond seminary is even more difficult. The easy answer: Follow D wherever he goes!

Not very original, I know, but I’m clueless. Furthermore, I don’t feel fire in my bones about anything in particular beyond the needs of today. Is that so bad?

I got through the getting-to-know-you questions. They were easy. Something about my family, my church, my education up to then, my hobbies and things like that.

But then came the biggie: Why do I want to go to Seminary?

What I actually said was something like this:

  • I want to read and study, especially theology and the Bible.

True enough. It fit the pattern of my life so far.

What didn’t I say? It was also true. I thought it in my head, and I’m going to tell you right now what it was:

  • My Bible College degree isn’t accredited. If I ever want to do further study beyond seminary, a degree from an accredited seminary would validate all academic work I’d completed up to then.

Brilliant, true and pragmatic! Like I said, though, I didn’t write this in my application.

Another question was also difficult. They wanted to know about major growth in my life in the last several years. I wrote a harmless surface answer that didn’t communicate much substance at all. Nevertheless, it was true.

More interesting is what I didn’t write. Here it is:

  • I’ve grown in skills—the kind needed for being a mother, housewife and hostess.
  • I’ve also grown in practical knowledge–the kind needed to care for sick babies and young children, and how to make homemade yogurt, jam or bread. Or stretch dollars to last as long as possible.

Then there was the spiritual growth question. Yes, I’d grown there, too. Mainly in my ability to be a servant, not a leader. I don’t look down on being a servant. It just means I’m there to help you be the best person you can be. Often without attention to my own preferences or needs.

One other tough question: When did you become a Christian? I don’t know. I grew up being one. I can’t tell you when, where or how it happened. I can’t remember how I finessed that one.

It’s a good thing they didn’t ask me what books I’d read recently. Would they count Dr. Seuss books? Babar the Elephant books? The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Dr. Spock? Adelle Davis?

Is there a point to this rambling? Yes!

We have a twofold mismatch here that happily became a match. I wasn’t the kind of student they were looking for, and they didn’t have a clue how to deal with women who were entering the seminary.

When I entered seminary in fall 1973, there were 500 students total. Of these, 30 were women.

To be continued….

© Elouise Renich Fraser, 17 November 2015
Photo thanks to Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, California

6 Comments