How am I feeling? | Dear Readers

by Elouise


Dear Readers,
As you may know, one week ago I fell and fractured my left jaw. I was on my way to get a haircut. I’ve been at a loss for words. Last night I wrote this before going to bed. It’s my answer to the question everyone asks me–and that I ask myself.

How am I feeling?

Tired. Weary. Sad. Old. Stuck. Not sure what to do or say next except that This Situation sucks! That it happened is still hard for me to accept. That I was unable to stop myself from falling is hard for me to accept. That something this awful could happen in a heartbeat is hard to accept. That I would be in a mess like this is beyond belief.

And yet. Here I am. If I wasn’t sure who I was before this, I’m positive I don’t know who I am now. Every time I sit down I want to fall asleep. Forget it ever happened. Yet it did. Every part of me knows it did. So what’s going on?

I really don’t know. It feels like I’m in a daze. Caught up in some kind of unfinished dream that just goes on and on—not for a huge length of time, but with things/episodes that don’t remind me of myself at all.

I wonder a lot about how much I’ve dodged the bad health and accidents bullet in my family. I’ve been proud of my health. Rightfully, given how much I’ve invested in it. And now we have this—that seems to turn me into an instant old lady who can’t take care of herself.

Right now I’m drifting off. Going to sleep. Is it the med I’m taking for my heart? I don’t think so. I think it’s a way of escaping the pain of this accident—physical as well as mental, emotional and spiritual.

So what to say or do next? I haven’t the slightest idea. It seems I’m marking time right now—waiting for some kind of solution to be found and administered.

Clueless. How to get on with life? One day at a time.

That’s all I can do right now. Whoever I am today, I don’t think I know her yet.

On Monday morning I’m reporting to the hospital for oral surgery. The fracture is complicated. My jaw can’t be put back together as it was. Step one: wire my jaws shut for 10 days. Step two: begin physical therapy to regain as much movement as possible. Step three: Deal with complications as and if they arise.

Right now I just want to let you know how grateful I am for your faithful reading and kind notes of encouragement. I’m not used to being ‘helpless,’ much less ‘hopeless.’

One really good thing about this post is that I wrote something. I can’t explain it. I just didn’t have words in me at all–until last night.


© Elouise Renich Fraser, 29 April 2016
Pooh quote and sketch from