Tell me if you can, if you dare–
by Elouise
When did it all begin?
When did I enter your supply chain?
When did I become a commodity, a disposable object
not for sale but for use on demand,
with or without pay?
When did I become your toy
to imagine as prey,
to stalk, hunt down,
toss around and torment
with or without warning?
When did I become candy for your eyes,
your imagination,
the desires of your heart?
When did it all begin?
Was it the moment I was born?
The moment you laid your eyes on me?
Then your rules, your hands, your cane,
your ruler, and wooden spoon paddle?
When did paddling become beating?
As though you could whip me into shape.
What did you see in me?
A human being created in God’s image?
Or just another rebellious, angry, willful little girl—
A challenge to your male authority.
A game, an object to be studied, touched, scolded,
played with, experimented with,
held close/held at bay, shamed, humiliated,
denied voice, dignity, will and privacy.
What were you thinking?
When did I become a projection of your stern will
and your lonely, terrified heart?
Not even a ghost of myself
No matter what I wore or didn’t wear
What I said or didn’t say
How I said it or didn’t say it
What I did or didn’t do
When did I become your enemy to be hunted down and subdued,
locked in the bar-less cage of your aching, demanding,
never-satisfied self?
Tell me if you can, if you dare—
When did it all begin?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 26 June 2014
Telling the Truth 
Thinking? Doesn’t sound to me like much of that was happening. Warped explosions seems a more apt description. More, a deep dark emotional side under little or no control. Truly frightening for a child, as well as for an adult (like your mother). Monstrous, scary, chilling.
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Thanks for this comment. I appreciate your response. One of the crazy things I still deal with is the reality that all of this felt “normal” even though it was not. Also crazy-making was his externally calm, ‘reasoned,’ controlled approach to his exercise of abusive power over me. It didn’t look monstrous, though it was clearly scary. One final thought: the honest responses of a few friends who heard even bits and pieces of my story (after I was an adult) were the first clues I had regarding how not normal my childhood and youth were. Thanks for your honest response. I still need to hear things like this….
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