Am I addicted to blogging?
Sunday. Day of rest. Day of joy and delight. A full stop and break from my weekly routine so I can delight in God’s gift of Sabbath.
My biggest struggle this past Sunday was stopping. Deliberately laying aside my regular work routine. Some tasks are easy to let go until Monday: laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming. But not blogging. Forget about what I’m to enjoy or take delight in. I don’t yet know how to come to a full stop as a blogger.
What’s the problem? I think it’s fear. If I cut back on Sunday writing, posting, and visiting other bloggers, I’ll lose something, pay a price or wish I hadn’t done this.
What am I afraid of losing?
- Readers? Just because I don’t have anything ready to post early Monday morning?
- Or maybe I’ll lose my identity. As though I can’t stop for a relaxing breather (delight or no delight) without dropping off the face of the earth. Forgotten.
- Maybe I’m afraid that if I stop for Sabbath rest, I’ll lose control over my demons.
Unfortunately, the last point sounds likely.
For the last three weeks I’ve practiced intentional Sabbath rest. Yet my internal struggle remains. I’m still tempted to ‘pick up my bottle’ and calm my fears. How? By writing and posting new material.
Sometimes I’ve soothed my fear by writing and posting something. But is something better than nothing?
Maybe something can be worse than nothing. Addictive-like behavior such as writing and posting new material soothes me momentarily. For a few happy hours I feel useful and productive. My demons get thrown a little treat, and I put off coming to terms with them until next week.
And why would I do this? I’m proud of being reliable. That’s not necessarily bad. Yet I also notice that the more I post, the more the number of views and followers rises. Do I believe erratic numbers are a sign of weakness or ineffectiveness? Maybe it’s something else.
Finally, there a little voice that says I can make a Sunday exception for visiting other blogs. After all, I don’t want to be legalistic. Sunday is a great day to visit! We used to do that all the time when I was growing up.
I could make my mark that way. Visits to other blogs would remind people that I’m here and I’m interested in them. Which I am. But is that what Sabbath-day joy and delight mean for me right now? Maybe. Maybe not.
Visiting other blogs takes time and effort. It can feel frenetic. So many good posts out there, and so little time! I don’t want to think of what I’m missing. Do I have to miss all of it? I’m not yet sure.
Maybe there’s more of that good girl child in me than I thought. The one who keeps over-achieving so she can prove she’s worthy. Picking up that bottle called productivity. Even though it means pretending I have more than 24 hours a day. Which would be absurd.
Right now I’m working on coming to a full stop. I want to celebrate Sabbath rest one day a week. What could be easier? Or so I keep asking myself. Like I said above, I don’t have a clue how I would take delight in that day. I need to stop first.
Furthermore, say I do come to a full stop and my worst fears are realized. Does that mean I shouldn’t celebrate Sabbath rest? I don’t think so.
What do you think about all this? Have you learned to stop one day a week? Will this get easier? Does it ever become as natural as breathing in and breathing out?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 18 May 2015