Am I addicted to blogging?
by Elouise
Sunday. Day of rest. Day of joy and delight. A full stop and break from my weekly routine so I can delight in God’s gift of Sabbath.
My biggest struggle this past Sunday was stopping. Deliberately laying aside my regular work routine. Some tasks are easy to let go until Monday: laundry, grocery shopping, vacuuming. But not blogging. Forget about what I’m to enjoy or take delight in. I don’t yet know how to come to a full stop as a blogger.
What’s the problem? I think it’s fear. If I cut back on Sunday writing, posting, and visiting other bloggers, I’ll lose something, pay a price or wish I hadn’t done this.
What am I afraid of losing?
- Readers? Just because I don’t have anything ready to post early Monday morning?
- Or maybe I’ll lose my identity. As though I can’t stop for a relaxing breather (delight or no delight) without dropping off the face of the earth. Forgotten.
- Maybe I’m afraid that if I stop for Sabbath rest, I’ll lose control over my demons.
Unfortunately, the last point sounds likely.
For the last three weeks I’ve practiced intentional Sabbath rest. Yet my internal struggle remains. I’m still tempted to ‘pick up my bottle’ and calm my fears. How? By writing and posting new material.
Sometimes I’ve soothed my fear by writing and posting something. But is something better than nothing?
Maybe something can be worse than nothing. Addictive-like behavior such as writing and posting new material soothes me momentarily. For a few happy hours I feel useful and productive. My demons get thrown a little treat, and I put off coming to terms with them until next week.
And why would I do this? I’m proud of being reliable. That’s not necessarily bad. Yet I also notice that the more I post, the more the number of views and followers rises. Do I believe erratic numbers are a sign of weakness or ineffectiveness? Maybe it’s something else.
Finally, there a little voice that says I can make a Sunday exception for visiting other blogs. After all, I don’t want to be legalistic. Sunday is a great day to visit! We used to do that all the time when I was growing up.
I could make my mark that way. Visits to other blogs would remind people that I’m here and I’m interested in them. Which I am. But is that what Sabbath-day joy and delight mean for me right now? Maybe. Maybe not.
Visiting other blogs takes time and effort. It can feel frenetic. So many good posts out there, and so little time! I don’t want to think of what I’m missing. Do I have to miss all of it? I’m not yet sure.
Maybe there’s more of that good girl child in me than I thought. The one who keeps over-achieving so she can prove she’s worthy. Picking up that bottle called productivity. Even though it means pretending I have more than 24 hours a day. Which would be absurd.
Right now I’m working on coming to a full stop. I want to celebrate Sabbath rest one day a week. What could be easier? Or so I keep asking myself. Like I said above, I don’t have a clue how I would take delight in that day. I need to stop first.
Furthermore, say I do come to a full stop and my worst fears are realized. Does that mean I shouldn’t celebrate Sabbath rest? I don’t think so.
What do you think about all this? Have you learned to stop one day a week? Will this get easier? Does it ever become as natural as breathing in and breathing out?
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 18 May 2015
Image: heartcheckreality.blogspot.com
Telling the Truth 
Yes, it will get easier. The trick is to realise that all your affairs will carry on without you. You have the intention, and that is enough to set the ball rolling. You don’t need to keep shoving it up the hill.
Partly, this obsession with doing comes from defining our worth by our active activities. But – deep breath! – you know you are loved and beautiful and that you deserve a rest, to allow you to simply appreciate sincerely and give thanks. God will always, always love you totally, and demons only exist to the extent that we believe in them.
Love you!
XXXX 😀
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Thank you, Fran. Such kind and helpful words for me right now! I don’t have to “keep shoving it up the hill.” Precisely. It felt like shoving it up a mountain the first year or so. Whatever it will be now isn’t in my hands anyway.
Also, you’re so correct about how I’ve defined my worth. All my life. Hearing those words from you (or anyone else but myself) is like a balm for my soul.
Finally, demons thrive on lies–when we believe them. Ignoring them is the best thing I can do. Not by being silent, but by speaking truth. To which they, of course, are allergic!
Love and a big cross-Atlantic hug,
Elouise
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I’m on vacation right now, but I worked 3 and a half hours yesterday and will put in a few hours today. Partly, that’s because I had to take a day off to prepare for traveling. Partly, it’s because I know next Sunday’s coming (May 31) and I haven’t done anything toward the service or sermon. Partly, it’s because I struggle to let it go!
And, no, I really haven’t learned to take a real sabbath. Monday comes and it’s time to do it all again. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that for 14 years I was my own boss and master of my own time. Now, I’ve got to work for somebody else and keep up my image as a near “perfect” (ouch) pastor.
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Dear Pastor natamw,
Thank you so much for this response about your struggle. In all the time I was teaching, I never learned to take a real Sabbath. Your description of what happens from Sunday to Sunday reminds me of a merry-go-round, but it isn’t always merry. Your reflection on being self-employed in the past and your pastoral role now highlights the agony of your situation! Near ‘perfect.’ Yes, I think I know what you mean. It seems sometimes there’s an acceptable amount of ‘humanity’ a pastor is allowed to display to the congregation. Beyond that, it gets sticky really fast.
It’s so good to know I have comrades out there struggling with this, too. I wonder whether it’s more difficult for women than for men. I always felt (though I knew I ‘shouldn’t’) there was more to lose if I, as a woman, didn’t show up “near ‘perfect'” every day!
Blessings to you!
Elouise
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The question others ask me, and at moments when I can accept the wisdom, is this: “How do I define rest?”
In other words, how do I follow the principle without the petty human rules and traditions?
blessings!
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Hi, David. Thanks for your comment. I’m with you on not being legalistic about this. Whatever the answer is, it can’t be that! I don’t know what your definition of rest is (for yourself). I’m feeling challenged in a good way to redefine what it means for me, using God’s rest on the seventh day as a starter. What did God do? And how does that help me figure out what I might do? Or not do.
Elouise
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I have to take days to catch up with the blogs I enjoy. I feel the need to post, but if I miss a day or two of reading, then I have so much to catch up with. Maybe ‘visiting’ would be a good place to start.
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Hi, April. Thanks so much for your comment about visiting. I think you’re correct about the time investment in visiting. Once I’m behind on that, it’s difficult to catch up. Very helpful perspective!
Cheers!
Elouise
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