This week was a roller coaster. Highs and lows one after the other. Still, I wrote in my journal and will post some pieces later. The picture is messy. Not because it’s ugly, but because it isn’t logical or sensible.
In the midst of the ups and downs I’ve followed George MacDonald’s sonnets for May. Some keep drawing me back for another read. Not because they’re profound, but because they’re simple and speak to my heart and situation right now.
Here’s one I’ve read over and over the last few days. It comforts me during this extended, unexpected Sabbath rest.
My prayers, my God, flow from what I am not;
I think thy answers make me what I am.
Like weary waves thought follows upon thought.
But the still depth beneath is all thine own,
And there thou mov’st in paths to us unknown.
Out of strange strife thy peace is strangely wrought;
If the lion in us pray—thou answerest the lamb.
George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul
Augsburg Fortress Press 1994
I identify with every line, every word, every nuance. Especially the contrast between what I am not and what I am. Not because of myself, but because of the way God answers me. Not in kind, but in ways only a little lost lamb understands.
- I roar with indignation; God whispers with comfort.
- I get my back up; God rubs it gently.
- I complain about the puny food that’s set before me; God smiles and pours a glass of wine.
- I rage; God sings a lullaby.
- I blame God; God holds me closer.
Stubbornly (!), God keeps responding to the little lost lamb. Taming my anger, showing me who I am in God’s eyes. Reassuring me, like waves that keep washing up on the shore, that God is found in the depths of the ocean. Not in the wearying repetition of my human effort to make a mark on life.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 28 May 2016
Image found at cityviewchurch.com.au