by Elouise

At the Back of the North Wind Flying

From my journal on Sunday, at 4:15am:

Sleep has vanished. I’m restless, uncomfortable, still taking in the reality that I have 3 weeks (not 2!) to go yet with the wires. And that I’m nearly 10 pounds below my ‘normal’ 112 pounds.

All I can think about is food. Especially food I want to eat, but can’t. The kind that would help me gain weight. I’m also low in lean mass—muscle. My wonderful strength has vanished. I feel as though I’m going to blow away.

Foods I want to eat: fish, eggs, yogurt, ice cream, chili, roasted veggies. I want to chew, taste, smell, and enjoy texture!

So there it is—what keeps tormenting me. The soft/pureed foods cookbook is supposed to arrive today. I’m already fantasizing about what it will do for me.

Today is our daughter’s birthday. And here she is, helping me out for two weeks. An adult functioning so very well against tough odds as a musician who follows her heart, and works hard at her calling. Strong, beautiful, gifted, creative, kind, courageous, trustworthy, sensitive, empathic, a willing companion, faithful and honest, resourceful, intelligent, kindhearted and loyal. All this and more—inquisitive, funny, truthful and brave.

Today is also Your day. Sabbath rest. I want to rest today; find joy in small things; feel gratitude and hope; find direction and energy to care for this body You entrusted to me; find ways to support my health and wellbeing—and joy in this life You’ve allowed me to experience.

I’m feeling calmer now. Though sad, in a strange way. I think I’ll listen to some music and see if I can sleep a bit more. Rest. Accept. Surrender. Trust that You won’t drop me.


© Elouise Renich Fraser, 30 May 2016
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