Piles of Building Blocks
Over the years I’ve accumulated piles of building blocks. Like old Legos. Pieces of my life. Some dusty and forgotten. Some I wish I could forget. Others I want to treasure forever.
Maybe someday I’ll discover what God is making of all these building blocks. How will they eventually come together? I’ve never seen the blueprint, and I wonder whether I’ll ever see or enjoy the outcome.
Right now I feel off balance. It started with my Great Misadventure, when I broke my jaw and everything changed. The moment before I stumbled to the pavement I felt clear, focused, balanced and confident. Today I have no great expectations about what I’ll feel like or be able to do from one day to the next.
Instead, I focus on keeping my balance figuratively and literally. I go through my lists of small and large things I’m to do each day. They’re helping me recover a bit of ground. So I say small ‘yeses’ and ‘nos’ each day, with an unexpected big Yes or No thrown in to keep things interesting.
It’s easy to explain this feeling of imbalance by pointing to my broken jaw, my unpredictable heart, the weather, or whatever is frustrating me in any given moment. I know better. And I’m not sure how to say it.
From one perspective, I’ve never felt such freedom. I love being able to say Yes or No on my own terms. Not because I feel mean-spirited, but because I’ve made a promise to treat my body with respect and compassion, to love it as a gift from God, and to use it as a gift to others—without compromising my recovery or my sanity.
On the other hand, I don’t like feeling isolated when I’ve done the right thing by saying No, I can’t be at this or that event today or even next week. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m committed to saying Yes to other things that take time and won’t wait.
Isolation. Fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Not remembered. Especially now, after months of recovery and more months of recovery ahead. Plus unknown events that will greet me around the corner.
So how am I making peace with myself about all this? In some ways, I’m not. It’s like living with almost constant dissonance. Will I choose my health, or other things that make me feel good yet demand more time and energy than I have to give?
I wish I had a map or a blueprint. But I don’t, and probably never will. Maybe that’s because in the end, the blueprint will be the woman I become, for better and for worse.
I’m grateful this isn’t all up to me. I would never be able to sort myself out. I believe that in the end, each small and large piece will find its way into my heart and my life. Not because I’ll finally be given the blueprint, but because the blueprint is in the heart and hands of God.
Are you feeling off balance today? Thanks for listening and commenting if you’d like.
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 27 October 2016
Photo found at getsetorganized.com