Piles of Building Blocks
by Elouise
Over the years I’ve accumulated piles of building blocks. Like old Legos. Pieces of my life. Some dusty and forgotten. Some I wish I could forget. Others I want to treasure forever.
Maybe someday I’ll discover what God is making of all these building blocks. How will they eventually come together? I’ve never seen the blueprint, and I wonder whether I’ll ever see or enjoy the outcome.
Right now I feel off balance. It started with my Great Misadventure, when I broke my jaw and everything changed. The moment before I stumbled to the pavement I felt clear, focused, balanced and confident. Today I have no great expectations about what I’ll feel like or be able to do from one day to the next.
Instead, I focus on keeping my balance figuratively and literally. I go through my lists of small and large things I’m to do each day. They’re helping me recover a bit of ground. So I say small ‘yeses’ and ‘nos’ each day, with an unexpected big Yes or No thrown in to keep things interesting.
It’s easy to explain this feeling of imbalance by pointing to my broken jaw, my unpredictable heart, the weather, or whatever is frustrating me in any given moment. I know better. And I’m not sure how to say it.
From one perspective, I’ve never felt such freedom. I love being able to say Yes or No on my own terms. Not because I feel mean-spirited, but because I’ve made a promise to treat my body with respect and compassion, to love it as a gift from God, and to use it as a gift to others—without compromising my recovery or my sanity.
On the other hand, I don’t like feeling isolated when I’ve done the right thing by saying No, I can’t be at this or that event today or even next week. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m committed to saying Yes to other things that take time and won’t wait.
Isolation. Fear of being left behind. Forgotten. Not remembered. Especially now, after months of recovery and more months of recovery ahead. Plus unknown events that will greet me around the corner.
So how am I making peace with myself about all this? In some ways, I’m not. It’s like living with almost constant dissonance. Will I choose my health, or other things that make me feel good yet demand more time and energy than I have to give?
I wish I had a map or a blueprint. But I don’t, and probably never will. Maybe that’s because in the end, the blueprint will be the woman I become, for better and for worse.
I’m grateful this isn’t all up to me. I would never be able to sort myself out. I believe that in the end, each small and large piece will find its way into my heart and my life. Not because I’ll finally be given the blueprint, but because the blueprint is in the heart and hands of God.
Are you feeling off balance today? Thanks for listening and commenting if you’d like.
Elouise ♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 27 October 2016
Photo found at getsetorganized.com
Telling the Truth 
Geez Louise, I mean Elouise😊 yet another beautiful post. I know we are so apart in years but with each word you write, I hear my little voice within saying, yep, me too….I think you’d find many of us often feel this way for “whatever” reason or trigger sets us off on our journey of losing self to find self…but on the days we feel we’ve got it….man, that’s an awesome feeling…wish we could bottle it or so,etching for long shelf life keeping….always a mystery, those random moments of pure bliss….I’m just grateful that they do happen😀💕💜okay, now cake for the queen🎂💎💎💎☮💟ah, there it is👑
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Kim, You hit the nail on the head–“always a mystery, those random moments of pure bliss.” I’m so grateful when they come, and also tempted to try to hang onto them. But they’re mysteries! Not to be contained. I also find this is “a journey of losing self to find self.” That unselfconscious ‘us’ who comes out to play every now and then, and keeps her nose to the grindstone the rest of the time! Thanks for all the dancing emojis–like sugar plums!
Elouise 🙂
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…the blueprint is in the heart and hands of God.
What a wonderful awareness!
…Are you feeling off balance today?
Yes, today and every day. My balance has been poor for a long time. But it took a turn for the worse 10 months ago. I use a walker everywhere I go. Two nights ago I was in the heart of downtown Baltimore and lost control of the walker just as I was about to cross a street. I fell, bringing the walker with me, bumped my head on a sewer grate and lost my hearing aid down the storm sewer. But I got up, enjoyed a fine meal at the Inner Harbor celebrating a granddaughter’s 19th birthday. The next morning I felt fine and learned the hearing aid was insured. God does indeed take care of us.
The blueprint is indeed in the heart and hands of God.
This morning I read an ad for some medical malady, asking for donations. It said that two people die in the US each day from that malady. Is that a lot? I checked Google, found that 6,171 people die each day. Our day will come soon enough. Enjoy life as best you can. We are each in the heart and hands of God.
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Oh Waldo, it’s so great to hear from you! I’ve been thinking about you and Leta in the last several days. What an experience you had! Just when you think things are settling down…. Well, you have definitely lived to tell about it and to enjoy a great birthday meal with Granddaughter on top of everything else! Yes, our day will come soon enough–and life is to be enjoyed as best we can. Thanks for your encouraging note. God has an enormously large heart and strong hands–more than enough for each of us and all of us together.
Love and hugs,
Elouise
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You will see, and delight in the outcome. Of course. Believe what gives you the greatest joy, then x it by a thousand.
I find it odd that you feel a discomfort between the NO that makes you happiest, and the unhappiness that others will feel as a result.
Why not do what you want to do, and others will then be relaxed and happy that you are doing so? If it takes you twice as long, or you go a complicated road, so what? And if you decide to take the month off to meditate, then okay.
Hugs! xxx
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Fran, Thanks for this encouraging comment. When I say No, it often means I’m missing time with friends who have their own health battles. Being with them strengthens me and also drains energy I need for self-care. Nonetheless, I err on the side of saying more Nos than Yeses these days–and don’t feel guilty. Just sad and a little surprised that this makes me sad (not necessarily a bad thing). Ambivalent. Maybe that’s the word that sums it up?
Have a great weekend!
Elouise
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Ambivalence…yes, indeed, all the time, dear heart. xxx
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