I was just a beginner…
by Elouise
I was just a beginner when it happened. In a supposedly safe place. I had a title and stature within an academic community.
From my childhood I’d experienced worse. Regularly. In ways that raised deep shame and self-blame in me. Bad girl.
But this was different. I was an adult. A colleague among adults who were followers of Jesus Christ.
It happened in a crowded hallway between classes. Without a whisper of warning. Just walking to my next class, in conversation with an adult man.
He wasn’t a stranger and he wasn’t my father. He professed to be a supporter of women’s full humanity, and our right to fair and equal access to theological education as students and as professors.
Perhaps he wasn’t thinking? I could give a thousand questions you might have asked me. None would have erased the sudden chill and shame of feeling an uninvited hand patting me on my butt.
I switched my briefcase to my right hand, moved over slightly and kept walking through the hallway as though nothing had happened. Indeed, it never happened again. I maintained my distance, without giving up my friendly demeanor.
My friend touched my body in a way I wouldn’t dream of touching his. It wasn’t a hand on my arm, but my butt. I believed that any attempt to draw attention to this would have made things worse. I felt trapped.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not my big #MeToo story. I’ve already told that in earlier posts—not just about the Shopkeeper, but about my father’s attempts to subdue me, and my first employer’s determination to humiliate me as a young woman just out of high school.
So why tell it? After all, it happened in the blink of an eye.
I’m telling it because we need to attend to the daily impertinences and seemingly small ways in which women, girls, boys and men who aren’t considered manly are reminded of their place and who has power over them.
I’m also telling it because there are millions of everyday people aching to let someone know what happened or is now happening to them. Are we able and willing to listen from our hearts? Without offering solutions or trying to re-write the stories we hear?
Sometimes silence and listening without judgment are the best gifts we give each other. In fact, to listen well is to follow well. The way I imagine Jesus Christ following us and being there when we’re ready for help.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…. (from Psalm 23)
I’m grateful for the women, men, young people and even children who have listened to my story, and shared with me their own experiences. In some ways, this is the table God has set before me in the presence of my enemies—who are more like I am than I could ever guess.
Praying you have a wonderful Sabbath rest.
Elouise ♥
©Elouise Renich Fraser, 11 November 2017
Photo found at theanvilnewsletter.blogspot.com
Daily Prompt:Neophyte
I had a weird, disturbing experience in junior high school with a female teacher. I have never said this to anyone before.
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One tiny step at a time. Which always validates the experiences of others. For which I’m grateful. Thanks, Pam.
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So sorry to hear. It happens everyday, everywhere. Such a shame! I wish we could find a way to stop things like that.
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Thanks so much for your comment. This low-level harassment takes a huge toll on women and girls every day. I finally decided to fight fire with return fire. It took years to pull my courage together, but it was effective and empowering. An everyday tragedy. You’re so correct.
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I am glad you found the power to fight. Your power should inspire every victim.
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Thank you for telling. I think you are exactly right about how the patriarchy, embodied by this pos, works to keep us in line. Im very sorry it happened to you.
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Thanks for your comment. I found it more difficult to deal with these ‘small’ yet regular occurrences than with my large PTSD issues. These everyday ‘reminders’ seemed harmless by comparison, though they were not. They hooked me right into the shame and humiliation of my childhood and youth–at the hands of men. The toll is immense when we start adding up the number of people who run this gauntlet of harassment every day of the week, or risk being labeled as troublemakers, uncooperative employees, or women who don’t know how to ‘take a joke.’
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Thank you for telling this story. I have no words. Your courage inspires me.
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You’re welcome, Herminia. There are now many ‘big’ stories out there, for which I’m grateful. Nonetheless, I sometimes fear the seemingly small daily harassments will get overlooked or even laughed at–as though they weren’t ‘that important.’ They are, and figuring out how to deal with them in a healthy way that restores personal power can be a daunting task.
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I think the one good thing about the turns lately in society is that there is safety in numbers and women and even men are finding their voice to speak up and “tell”. I think it’s a good thing. Carrying guilt and shame for years causes more damage to the soul than anything, to set that huge burden down and find many are carrying their invisible burdens too. I think if it were a physical thing, there’d be a big endless mountain of burdens piled high to the sky. Feels good to walk a bit more upright without that weight 🙂 kudos E, any burden is still a burden and sharing is a gift to others in a way,, frees a soul up to share freely. Someday… Peace and love, K
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I missed responding earlier to this wonderful comment. Thanks so much for your observations. What we carry isn’t ‘harmless’ at all. And using our voices is (for me) the most difficult thing in the world–especially when I have to use it in person, not in writing. I heard an interesting discussion about millennial women–now come of age in a big way. They aren’t nearly as compelled to be ‘nice’ as I am (for example). Perhaps because there are more of them in the workplace? I don’t know. But I’m so grateful for their willingness to call people out, men or women, when they’re violating others. I love your idea of a ‘physical thing.’ Perhaps a new kind of post-war monument? 🙂
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I shake my head, not in disbelief, but in shame, or perhaps sadness or wonder, for my fellow men on this planet.
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Brian, Thank you for this comment. It’s comforting. I know there are good men who care about this. Thanks for being one of them.
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Really inspiring 👌
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Thank you, Amith.
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