Conversations that matter
by Elouise
On 21 April 2016, I broke my jaw and my wings were clipped. Not just by the broken jaw, but by a string of unanticipated health events that followed. Today it takes time to attend to my aging body.
So I often wonder what the meaning of my life is now. Why am I here? I know I’m going to die. So what about the meantime, in whatever time I have left on this earth? Is blogging it? I love blogging, but….
A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a friend and former colleague at the seminary. Would I be willing to interview a seminarian working on her MA degree? The answer was Yes! Of course! Big smiles and happiness! A high point in my life!
So this last week I spent time on the phone with her. Lots of time. We didn’t talk about the fine points of my life as a pastor (which I am not). Instead, we talked about the not-so-fine points of my life as a survivor of childhood abuse. Especially what it took in my late 40s to begin the long process of healing while I was professor and then dean at the seminary.
Why was this conversation a high point for me? Because it let me know I still have something to say. Especially, but not only to women and men preparing for ministry in churches, or for leadership in religious organizations.
Blogging about my experience has been and still is part of my healing. Yet nothing beats a one-on-one conversation, or a small group discussion in which I’m able to talk about what it took for me to begin healing.
We’re all dealt cards we didn’t ask for, even before the moment we’re born. Going into a professional position or a new job doesn’t magically make all that disappear. In fact, it often triggers it. Understanding how trauma shaped and still shapes us is worthy of our best efforts. Not alone, but together.
I don’t know how this will play out. Nonetheless, I’m hoping for more informal opportunities in which my personal and professional experiences come together in surprising ways.
Cheers!
Elouise♥
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 14 October 2018
Telling the Truth 
It does raise one’s spirit to know you can still make a difference in someones life.
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Yes! 😊🌹
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I love this because as of now I have a speech problem I attend therapy so when I speak it’s not for my health it’s because I really really want this to be heard and I expect you to listen. I also enjoyed this because everyone whether they are aware of it or not is interesting and influential in some way or another.
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Thanks so much for this comment, especially about how difficult it is for you to speak, and how much it means when you’re listened to. One of my sisters died of ALS. Communication with her was exceedingly difficult (she couldn’t talk at all in the last years of her life). Though I can only imagine what it’s like for you, I know how happy she was every time people were willing to take the time and effort to ‘hear’ her out! I also agree with your second comment, though to be honest, I grew up thinking I was a problem, not an interesting or influential person.
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You’re very welcome ❤ and you are always the most influential interesting inspiration to people in the most awkward of moments when you aren’t even trying to be. Just keep doing what you’re doing..you’re definitely an inspiration
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Thank you so much! I know what you say is true…and awkwardness in social settings is part of my DNA. You didn’t ask, but I’m praying that your conversations, no matter where or how they take place, will give hope to others struggling with their own unasked-for situations. We never know who’s right there in front of us, dying to be seen and heard.
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“So I often wonder what the meaning of my life is now. Why am I here?” And then you go on to say she didn’t want to talk about the fine points of a life as a pastor…….etc etc. Not every pastor wears a dog collar. Some wear overalls and worker’s boots. I have met two kinds of pastors (I don’t like that word actually ). The first kind goes to school, goes to college, goes to seminary then get a church. Probably hasn’t got a clue about life.The second kind left school, got a job, worked his/her guts out, didn’t feel that he/she was making a difference and then went to seminary/bible school and then got a church. Both might end up doing a good job , but I’m pretty sure I know which one I’d prefer.
So what’s in it for you now you are three score years and fifteen? Well, you had a pretty wretched up-bringing so you’re probably well qualified to listen to other people and maybe, just maybe help them learn to cope.
Best of luck. We who are old have to remember to keep an eye on the children.
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Well, since the assignment for the interview assumed students would be talking with pastors (most of them did), she and I were free to change the focus as appropriate. The main point was to talk about what it takes and means to a leader in a Christian institution–whether church or not.
The demographics of the seminary I served were decidedly NOT those you describe in the first example. Young, usually white males right out of college were a distinct minority during the 28 years I was at the seminary. Much more prevalent were working adults, some already retired, who wanted to do something that would make a difference in their churches and organizations. They were not rich. Many worked night shifts in order to survive, keep food on the table for their children, and pursue a seminary degree. Most were mature, wise and exceedingly persistent. Commencement was always a moment of sometimes disbelieving pride and tears before a packed-out house of families, friends, church members and colleagues.
Many were also, as you describe in your second example, already serving in churches. However, they too needed help. It’s no picnic to be a pastor of a church of any size or denomination.
The challenges and opportunities of teaching in an unusually diverse seminary were many. We lived and worked with age differences, racial and ethnic differences, inner city, suburban, and occasional rural differences, denominational differences, social class. You name it; we had it. Not just in the student body, but in our increasingly diverse faculty. It was the real world and it wasn’t the real world.
The hope many seminarians bring is that this educational experience will be heaven on earth. It isn’t! For many it’s hellish, full of pain, anguish, hard work and feedback they weren’t expecting.
As hard as my up-bringing was, I still had and have the so-called advantage of being white. This is huge. Not just where I now live, but across the USA. Yet it’s also a huge disadvantage given the isolation this brings in the form of housing patterns, church membership patterns, and the daily reality of white skin versus almost any other color of skin. And especially, in the Philadelphia area, black skin. It doesn’t matter what country you came from. If your skin isn’t white, you pay for it. White female privilege means I don’t even have to think about 1000 things others must think about daily.
You’re correct. As part of the older generation, we have the duty and privilege of paying forward what we’ve received. Not just because of or in spite of the color of our skin or our gender, but because someone invested in us. More times than we probably remember. Yes must keep an eye on the children, including young adults and even older adults we see from time to time. They and we need these connections. Without them, we’re already dead.
Thanks for your thought-provoking comment, John.
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Wishing you all the best. Take care!
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Thanks, Herminia! I’m not about to stop blogging. And I do long for something more…. 🙂
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That’s great. I don’t want you to stop blogging either. 🙂
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I sensed a happy undertone in this post Elouise; you appear quite content with yourself
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Yes, I think I’m finding ways to connect without all the exhaustion of past work-related or volunteer (no pay) efforts. 😊 Thanks for your happy comment, Brian. 💐
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congratulations on that opportunity to shine your light on another E, I’m sure she will remember you and your insights when a moment arises when she needs to glean some bright spot of light ❤
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Thank you Kim! It came out of the blue…and right on time for me. One on one conversations have played a large role in my life, especially, yet not only with women. 💜💕
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