Setting My Boundaries
Okay…sometimes it’s a bit more complicated than this.
Ready or not
Time creeps up
On closed doors
Never to be opened
And gnashing of
Teeth set on edge
Since my childhood
I review notes
From two years of
My life as the
Or so it seemed to
My parents who
In my shoes
Plus notes from
Part of the picture
Even though they
Didn’t ask to be part
Of this drama unfolding
According to my script
Bit by bit I clarified what I needed and wanted to do. My psychotherapist didn’t tell me what to do. She listened, asked questions, and sent me home to keep working on one of the most life-changing events of my life.
In an earlier post I included the letter I sent my parents, telling them not to call or write to me. I would call or write when I was ready. My letter was not well received. My father wrote back to me. Nothing in his long, single-spaced, typed “Dear Daughter” letter was encouraging. I decided to return, unopened, any further letters from him.
The planning phase for this meeting took one and a half years. During that time, Mother became the good parent who remembered us on holidays and birthdays. Seeing her determination to be the good parent, I gave up thinking this was about my father and me. It was about all three of us.
Also, through conversations with my three sisters, I learned who might sit beside me as a witness at a meeting with my parents. My husband David would be there. So would Sister #3, Diane, who lived in Texas.
Finally, I asked a trusted pastor friend who lived in Savannah to host the meeting. We would meet in a conference room at the church he served. He also agreed to stay in touch with my parents after the meeting.
All of this took time and multiple conversations.
As for the meeting itself, that’s another post. It took time to work through what I wanted to say, how I would say it, and what I wanted from each of my parents. Slowly, from May 1992 to November 1993, I clarified how to structure the meeting. I also clarified the roles David and Diane were to fill. In a nutshell: keep your mouths closed and listen!
Yes, the meeting itself was a bit of a drama. Stay tuned.
Thank you for your visits and encouragement! Sometimes it seems this meeting was the most important thing I ever did for myself–even more important than marrying D, though not nearly as much fun!
© Elouise Renich Fraser, 3 November 2021
Boundary image found at pinterest.com